Category Archives: Lone Wolf: Fire on the Water


When last we left our Lone Wolf, he was deciding whether to explore a nearby tower, or continue searching for a path through the surrounding forest. He's apparently a gregarious, curious little bugger, so we voted to head off to the tower:

Ah, the Knights of the White Mountain! I feel certain that's a metaphor for the powder they use in their secret rituals, involving mirrors, razor blades, and loud disco music. In fact, I bet that's why he's holding that broadsword "in front of his face". Either that or his fellow Knight is Moe and he's ever on guard for the dreaded two-finger eye poke.

If you recall, there were two Knights of the White Mountain in our carriage ride. We elected not to gut them after discovering we were poisoned, which apparently turned out to be a good decision. But here's our chance to rectify that if you think we were mistaken!

What'll it be, and why?

Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s tower?

In our last adventure, we were confronted with an angry six-man party of the local constabulary, and faced a decision about whether to fight manfully (wolfily?) on, or flee out the back door. Apparently discretion is the heart of valor, because we voted to fly! The question now is, what is the best way to run away. If only we could ask Sir Robin.

Now, this doesn't sound like a very interesting decision on which to vote. And it sounds like that because it's not. So I am going to pull rank and call it for Sparky the Wonder Horse. That's just how I roll as a country boy. That leads us to:

Another fascinating decision to make that both enhances our understanding of our character and promises non-stop fun! It's these seemingly innocuous, totally random choices that make these books so fun. Because there's nothing like a pointless decision that leads to your immediate and unavoidable death. Good times.

Again, this isn't a very interesting decision point so I assigned left to 1-4, right to 5-9, and used our Random Number chart. The gods have sent us "right".

Aha! An actual, non-random action to take! So now we must choose whether to enter the tower, or ignore it and search for a trail. Smoke's coming from the building so we know someone is there. However, since half the people we've met so far have tried to kill us, maybe that's a Bad Thing. On the other hand, our record of navigating wilderness isn't exactly stellar, as evidenced for the fact that somehow, while riding a horse, we managed to lose an entire road that had, for at least part of it, big huge road signs pointing the way to the next major town.

We definitely do not have the Kai Discipline of Tracking.

So what's your call, intrepid explorer, and why?

Fingering the Priest

When last we left our Lone Wolf, he had just discovered he was being poisoned and had rushed downstairs at the inn to decide who to blame for the attempted murder. We chose to finger the priest!

A black sword, he must be guilty! Because if there's one point fantasy and culture hammer home to us every day, it's that black things are evil. ::shakes head::

Regardless, we whip out our long, stiff spear and engage the enemy. We outclass him in combat by seven points (23 with the spear and mind blast versus 16), but he's healthier than us (23 versus 16). In round one of combat, we get a 4, resulting in 10 points of damage to him. Unfortunately the crafty bastard nicks us for 2 points of damage in return.

With our Lone Bloodlust fully aroused by the smell of blood, Bruce Lee style, we fly into a killing rage and land a devastating blow by rolling a 9, resulting in a teeth-rattling 18 points of damage to him! This guts him like a stuck pig, ending his treacherous life before he can hurt us again. Victory! We're now down to 14 END, however.

We were right! I think we've all learned two valuable lessons here, my friends. First, never start a land war in Asia. No, wait, wrong intellectual property.

First, never trust anyone with a tattoo. They're all evil.

And second, killing people pays even better than reckless gambling.

On second thought, maybe those aren't the lessons we should take from this encounter. Whatever, loot!

Moving on:

So here's our dilemma this week, folks. Do we take on six backwater provincial guards, secure both in the knowledge of our own rectitude in correctly eliminating an assassin bent on the domination of the bad guys, or do we respect their authoriteh Cartman style and flee the scene?

Put me in (the) Coach!

When last we left our Lone Wolf Cub, he was wild-eyed and frothy-mouthed, hanging out with the high rollers and using his Kai Discipline of Reckless Gambling. We had gotten our coach fare of 21 Gold Crowns, but that heady success was not enough for our lustful souls and we decided to let it ride, baby, let it ride!

So this morning I had another go at Carousel, and as luck would have it, I won eight times in a row, including one time nailing it right on the number. In short order, therefore, we hit our max of 40 gold Crowns won, giving us 47 overall, and I lost any chance I have of winning the lottery in real life since I blew all my luck in a Choose Your Own Adventure. Awesome.

Regardless, having cleared out their den of iniquity, we saunter out the door, coins jangling heavily in our jodhpurs (do Kai troopers wear jodhpurs?). Our choices hereafter are somewhat constrained, so I'll just put them up sequentially without comment:

Phew! That's a lot of traveling just to get inside a coach. But finally we are shaking the dust of that bandit-ridden fleabag of a town and we're continuing our quest once again. As directed, I randomly chose a number from our chart, getting a "5":

Sadly, there is no "Run the bridge, crashing through the gate, flinging curses and middle fingers at the toll taker as you blow through their puerile checkpoint" option, because that is totally what I would choose. Oh well. Luckily our inveterate gambling habit has paid off and we are redolent with ill-gotten gains, so we pass through without qualms.

Wow, I guess the motley collection of humanity you encounter on the subways of New York aren't that strange, after all.

An unfortunate accident, alas! I hope that means we run into Lemony Snicket. We'll see, as I got a "4", meaning we:

I'm not sure how much Hunting skill you really need here ... I mean, the food is lying right there on the plate, I wouldn't think stalking or hurling spears would be called for. But then, I guess that's why I'm not a Kai Master.

Poison! Either this place is next up on Gordon Ramsay's "Kitchen Nightmares" show or somebody's out to kill us!

Here's a closer view of our cast of cretins:

And so we are come to this, a gathering of suspects in the finest Kai Discipline of Agatha Christie-ism. It is now incumbent upon us to finger a suspect, folks, so put on your thinking caps!

After you vote, be sure to post a comment with who you fingered, and why.

Dollah dollah billz, y’all!

Like a giddy country girl shopping in the big city for the first time, our little Lone Wolf cub dithered long and hard at the checkout counter over which two items to add to his inventory as his reward for nabbing a would-be thief. The backpack was a no-brainer, since without it we can't carry anything else, but the second item was a matter of fierce internal debate. Rope or food, food or rope? I bet at the last minute it occurred to Kai that perhaps the rope was hemp, and if he got too hungry he could smoke it, thus causing him to stop caring.

Regardless, we bundle up our thirty feet of coiled heaven into our spiffy new backpack and head out.

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Time to shop!

When last we left our intrepid Lone Wolf, we were deciding whether to apprehend a young thief, let him go, or ignore the whole sordid affair. Ultimately we chose to report the little rascal:

I imagine later we'll find his severely beaten corpse in a side alley, with black-clad guard bootprints leading back to the store. Civic virtue FTW!

But hey, screw that kid, we get free stuff! We do not currently own a backpack, so if we choose anything but the Dagger, we'll have to also choose the Backpack so we have somewhere to put it. I mean, if you see some guy walking down the street holding a blankie and two bags of Big Macs, I think it's likely you would report that guy to the cops.

Also, we already have a dagger and a mace. If we choose the dagger or the quarterstaff, therefore, we'll have to dump one of those two weapons since you can only have two at one time. It would be nice if we could tie our existing dagger to the end of the quarterstaff with some of the rope, making our own Spear (which we have the Weaponskill for), but alas, this isn't quite that interactive.

For the Meals, keep in mind we can't use our Hunting Discipline since we're in civilized areas. I don't know when (or if) that restriction will be lifted, but for now, we're going hungry.

So the way I see it, we have no real choice except to pick the Backpack and one other item. However, since I know how much we gamers like to be ornery, I've left the poll open to TWO selections per person. Whichever two get the most votes is what we'll pick.

Make your case for what we should select in the comments. I love gearing up! Remember, choose two of the below options.

The Crypt of the Apocalypse! Or not.

In our last episode, our little Lone Wolf had cornered one of the rascally blackguards responsible for waylaying us and stealing our stuff. We re-acquired some of our long-lost coin and the all-important Seal, vital to completing our quest to bring aid to our benighted homeland. After a quick mental accounting, we decided to check out the big tomb in the middle of the square.

Gosh, that was enlightening. It's a good thing the author didn't waste our time with silly stuff like ravening liches or legions of undead skeleton warriors, and instead served up a juicy excerpt from a museum placard. Huzzah!

At this point I, as our tour guide on this little jaunt, had a decision to make. Does it make sense to wait a whole week just to decide which street to go down? I decided "NO" and thus turned to the expedient of a Random Dice Roller to provide us with direction when the choices are basically sort of random like this. Thus, the fates decided that we would head West down Tomb Street. Maybe we'll find more museum placards!

The Gods of Dice decide that we head south:

At last, something new! I don't know about you guys, but screw the dice -- we're going shopping!

Oh my, apparently thievery is a way of life in this charming little burg. I wonder if this minnow is related to the sharks who beat us up and stole our stuff?

On the other hand, maybe he's just a poor waif heavily put upon by this lawless environment, trying to make his way the best he can in a cold and cruel world.

So what'll it be, do we a) rat out the little fink, b) follow him outside and improve his moral education by graphically demonstrating how much it hurts to have your stuff stolen, or c) pretend nothing happened (which we're good enough at now to practically turn into a Kai Discipline)?

Curse of the Fisherthieves

When last we left our Lone Wolf, he was standing in a strange tavern, deciding whether or not to confront the dastardly fisherthieves who'd mugged him of all his worldly possessions. The alternative was to ignore them yukking it up at the table and instead chat up the local bartender. By a narrow five vote margin, we decided to go all Crazy Kai on the brigands:

I made a command decision that our last vote to confront these guys meant "see it through to the end", so out into the alley after them we go:

Huzzah! We have the absolutely vital Seal now, and our quest is not doomed to failure before even making it out of this flea-bitten crappy little town! Of course, given the history of the series, it's probable that the next time we turn right instead of left, we'll be crushed by a falling meteorite, but such is the hard-luck life of a Lone Wolf. You'll note that once again, our good fortune comes not because of anything we did, but simple dumb luck. We were too slow to follow them out of a door, and only got our Seal back because a fisherman -- clearly unused to moving about in wet conditions -- slipped on a water-logged rock. We really should mark us as having the "Kai Discipline of Dumb Luck (Both Good and Bad)".

Regardless, I've marked our ill-gotten booty on our character sheet:

We don't have our preferred Spear, but at least we're not totally helpless. We also don't have anything to eat, which, considering the fact that we're in the middle of a town where the Kai Hunting opportunities are likely to be minimal, could potentially be a problem. And finally, if we had a Backpack we could put stuff in it, if we had any stuff. Which we don't.

But we're alive, we have eight coins to rub together, and with the Seal we can at least in theory continue to pursue our Quest! Whatever that is, I've frankly forgotten. This is the same way I play video games -- point me at something to stab and I'm happy, meta-narrative be damned.

Thus, our decision is:

I did not include the first option because we don't have the Kai Discipline of Tracking. However, I cheated and looked at the result, and we're not exactly missing out on anything -- I would have thought you could track the other Fishermen to wreak havoc and holy revenge on their sorry hides, but alas, that's not in the cards.

So what'll it be, folks?

Nothing like a good drunken revelry

Previously on "Lone Wolf", we decided to fill ourselves with righteous fury and pursue the scurrilous dogs who so rudely treated us after our "rescue" at sea. And so we returned to the wharf, hoping to find their fishing galley (and, presumably, the villains themselves).

Huzzah, we've gotten some of our lost booty back! I hate it when my booty gets lost. Although, apparently in this town they have an entire street dedicated to it ...

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Alone in the world is Poor Little Kai

In our last episode, the Lone Wolf was floundering about in the open ocean, wracked by both the storm that destroyed his ship and his own indecision. Ultimately the gods (that's us) who rule his consciousness decided overwhelmingly to flag down the fishing boat on the horizon. And it turns out to be Sig Hansen from "Deadliest Catch"! OK, not really:

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