HeroMachine Character Portrait Creator

I probably ought to put Jimmy Olsen under the "Legion of Substitute Heroes" clause of the "Bad super costumes" by-laws considering the number of insane things he got involved with during the Golden Age of Superman, but I just can't pass this up.

Look, if you're so pathetically unknown as a super-powered individual (and have no reasonable hope of ever becoming famous) that you feel forced to write your entire name across your chest ... well, that's just sad. If you find yourself in that situation, do us all a favor and just hang up the tights before you embarrass yourself with a scene like:

"Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's ... " (squints) "I can't quite make out the name on the chest ... Elephant something? Eloping Llama? Oh, there's a sale at Macy's on another plane's banner, let's go there instead!"

(Image and character©1985, DC Comics Inc., "Who's Who" Volume III.)

Picture the scene, a hard-up comic book creator desperately seeking a new character for his struggling book. The deadline is looming, and his job is on the line -- he needs help, and quick! Frantic eyes dart around the room, hoping against hope for some sort of inspiration. Nothing on the book shelf, he's already done something with the clock, ditto for the calculator and calendar, no way "Staple Remover Guy" is going to work, there's my leftover bowl of Top Ramen ...

And BAM! Just like that, the day is saved! See, his name is Prince Ra-Man and he has mental powers. Get it? He messes with your noodle. Brilliant!

(Image and character ©1986, DC Comics, Inc., from "Who's Who: The Definitive Directory of the DC Universe", Number 18.)

(Edited to change a couple of words in the post and title, as Prince Ra-Man is actually a hero, not a villain. Apologies to him and the deceased soul of Merlin which lives in him.)

Memo to all super-powered individuals contemplating logos:

Painting a target over your heart makes you -- wait for it -- a target! And while Frank Miller's Dark Knight can get away with claiming the heavy Kevlar vest he wears is the reason for his bright yellow insignia (draw fire to the most protected area), you and I both know most modern super-heroes couldn't hide a sheet of paper beneath the skin-tight spandex of their costumes, much less body armor.

Looking specifically at Geo-Force's costume here, I have to worry particularly about the red line pointing down from the target insignia, as if to say "Hey, if my heart isn't a tempting enough target for your super ray beams of death, take a look at this fantastic alternative!"

First we had Whoopi Goldberg showing up as one of the cosmic powers, and now apparently Scarlett Johansson's lips have been turned into an android:

This is actually the Mad Thinker's "Awesome Android", but surely only the sultry Ms. Johanson's pouty mouth has the power to inspire someone to create a super-villain whose entire head is nothing but lips. I'm tempted to say this evil-doer "sucks", but that would be beneath me. I would, however, pay cash money to have him say "Kiss off!" as he pummels his enemy to smithereens.

(Image and character ©1985, Marvel Comics Group, "The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe", Volume 2, Number 7.)

Somehow I missed it, but in the mid-80's DC cleverly slipped a Gay Pride March into the background of one of their "Who's Who" books, and I think it's great:

I've grayed out the background characters so you can focus in on the brave warriors leading the charge for a comics-wide acceptance of their sexuality. From the very proud "Rainbow Raider" (need I say more about that name?), to the see-through red silk sleeves and striped stockings of "Red Bee", to the flowery jester-like cowl and low-slung floppy boots of "The Ray", and finally to the man-on-man flight of love of "Reactron" and "Reverse Flash", these fabulous men in spandex are finally willing to let it all hang out. It's long past time gay supers had the freedom to come out of the secret closet and fly proud. I salute you, one and all!

The only question I have regards what's going on down in the lower left. That's "Queen" from "The Royal Flush Gang" there in the front position. At first I assumed the character behind her (clearly getting into amorous position) was another female hero, to carry on the gay pride them by including lesbian members. But actually that's "Quicksilver", a male character. Apparently he got the memo that this was a Gay Pride event, and tried to dress like a girl in hopes of getting some time with "The Queen". I give him points for ingenuity, but he's got no chance, as clearly she's staring lustily at "Queen Bee" (not shown) on the other side of the cover. After all, no queen worth her salt would waste time with a commoner, especially considering he's straight and has a reputation for being "extremely speedy", if you know what I mean.

Professional pride prevents me from commenting on the fact that the artist's last name is "Colon". But come on, that's awesome.

(Characters and images ©1986, DC Comics, Inc.)