HeroMachine Character Portrait Creator

Action figure company executives struggle daily with the distressing fact that girls comprise 50% of the toy-buying public, but 100% of action figures are made for boys. How then is one to sell toys to that female market?

Well, if you worked for the Landmark Entertainment Group of the early Nineties, you introduced a female member of the Living Skeleton's Skeleton Legion for the Skeleton Warriors* (did we mention skeletons?!) for the chicks, with -- and you might want to hold on to your metaphorical hat here -- boobs for the boys. On a skeleton!

Because, you know, boobs mean girls when you're a boy. OK, or a grown up male as well, let's be honest. Also, just in case those gender stereotypes haven't sunk into their young brains yet, it's important to name the only female something shrewish, like "Shriek" because those girls just won't shut their yappers, amirightguys!?

The actual toy is even more hideous:

I am not sure what the absolute number is of babies needing to be suckled by the undead, but I bet the over-under is somewhere around zero. Still even if you have no flesh at all on your body, it's important to make sure you still have boobies, because otherwise how will you attract the amorous attention of all those male skeletons who ... well, who don't have any actual flesh either, so that's a little moot. Still, you know, boobies!

As you can see, my generation had no choice but to use up all the natural resources of the earth and leave you, our poor children, with horrific financial and environmental messes to clean up, because our toys destroyed our minds.

* I am not making this up. The main bad guy is Baron Dark, the Living Skeleton, and his minions are the Skeleton Legion, all of whom fall under the general brand of the Skeleton Warriors line. I'm telling you, money must have been falling out of the sky for people to get paid to come up with this stuff.