Monthly Archives: November 2011

Science Tank! WANT!

(From "Green Mask" number 6, 1940-ish.)

Borg vs. Death Star

Since both days start with a "T", my little pea brain got confused and did our RPG installment on Tuesday instead of Thursday, which means now we're doing our Poll Position today (Thursday) instead of its regularly scheduled Tuesday. Alliteration is hard, people.

Luckily we have a titanic cross-cultural Versus for your Thanksgiving (another "T", run!) consideration:

{democracy:209}

How shall we decide? Here are a few of my thoughts:

  • On its most basic level, this is a fight between a cube and a sphere. Cubes have eight pointy, dangerous corners that would jab right into you if you bumped into it, but a sphere can really bash your brains in if it hits you in the head. You can stack a cube but you can roll a ball. Rolling is more fun, therefore, advantage Empire.
  • Both of these vessels have exposed pipes and rigging, which is very untidy. So on the Martha Stewart presentation scale, both are the same. Let's get some smooth edges here, what are we, barbarians?! Draw.
  • The Borg consists of countless, virtually identical mindless cyborgs who are directed via a dispersed network of energy called "The Collective". The Empire consists of countless, literally identical clones who are directed via a dispersed network of energy called "The Force". Draw.
  • The Borg Tactical Cube is directed by a black-clad half-human half-machine woman. The Empire's Death Star is directed by a black-clad half-human half-machine man. Neither can act. Draw.
  • The Borg are relentless, merciless killers who trashed the entire Federation and countless other civilizations across the galaxy. The Empire got beaten by teddy bears and their Death Star exploded by a single small ship. Twice. Advantage: Borg.
  • Individual Borg soldiers often hit what they aim at. The only thing any Empire soldier ever hit was Alderaan, literally the size of a planet, and they needed the Death Star to do it. Advantage: Borg.
  • The Borg gave us Hugh, the huggable cyborg, who had feelings and emotions after snuggling with the Enterprise. The Empire gave us Darth Vader, who was an emo angsty tween before he became the baddest man in the whole downtown before converting back into a pasty-faced Emperor-killing emo father. Advantage: Empire -- no one hugs Darth Vader even after he kills the Emperor.

So it's pretty even. I'll have to throw it to the audience for more input and evaluation -- what say you, HeroMachine nation?

Why all their base are belong to us

(This one's a little more subtle than most -- look carefully to get the humor. From "Green Mask" number 6, 1940-ish.)

Set Masers to "Fashion Disaster"

If you missed the Eighties, and wondered what fashion was like back then, I think the super-hero Maser would agree it all comes down to one word: Headbands.

If you are a man and you find yourself running around in public wearing a headband, one of the following had better be true:

  • You are playing tennis Bjorn Borg or Jimmy Connors;
  • You are teaching an aerobics class;
  • You are a kung-fu master, hopefully appearing in your own comic book.

That's it, folks. And though my Maser mastery doesn't exactly top the charts, I'm pretty sure he doesn't qualify.

The rest of the outfit is boilerplate vintage super-hero, from the Captain America gloves and boots to the vaguely Alpha-Flight style bifurcated color leotards popular in the era. Aside from the headband, though, the two bits that really bug me are the "lazy M" logo and the underarm cape rope. As to the first, having the two logos pointing in different directions makes me think he's got one of those spinning hubcap things going on, where the letters twirl crazily as he dashes about.

Which is actually kind of awesome, if by awesome you mean horrible. What's next, curb-feelers?! No offense, Ambush Bug:

As for the underarm cape thong, can you say "chafing"? Seriously, I hope he has some serious shares in an aloe vera factory, because dude will need it. Especially since, let's be honest, he probably shaves his body all over, so he can stay smooth and shiny when he finally, mercifully, sheds that outfit. I bet he perms that hair, too.

On the other hand, down the road maybe he kept the costume but decided the "M" stood for "Metrosexual" instead, and he landed a bunch of lucrative endorsements. Which he'll need to treat the crippling case of "Burned Pit Syndrome" he's in for.

And how!

(From "The Green Mask" number 6, 1940-ish.)

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a Denton.

In our last episode, our post-Apocalyptic road warrior took shelter behind his massive V-8 (the car, not the drink, because that would not be very effective, now would it?) and was deciding whether to leap behind the wheel or dash into the store to join Long Jake and his damsel in distress. I don't know yet whether Long Jake is in a dress, though that would be a nice bit of symmetry.

Focus, people! We chose to run for our friends in the store, resulting in:

I actually use a printed-out and cut-to-size Random Number Chart from the rule book for this. I'm kickin' it old school. Thus I closed my eyes, twirled the chart, plunged my pen down and got ... an 8! A bona-fide non-sucky result. Added to our massive Stealth score of 2, that gives us a total of 10. Apparently we were able to hold the jingle bells on our harness silent for a few critical seconds. Meaning:

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"Say, by shouting …"

(From "The Green Mask" number 6, 1940-ish.)

Character Design Contest 77: Sporty!

Your design challenge for this week is to create character or characters based on something related to sports. It might be something funny like "Catcher in the Rye" which is an actual baseball catcher on a loaf of bread, or a big 40's style goon named "Pinch" (for pinch runner) or a soccer-themed villain named "Sweeper". Or you could take a page from Stan Lee's book and design characters based on sports team names. You could design a team based around chess pieces or poker cards, or built around transforming NASCAR vehicles, or ... really, just about anything, so long as it's in some way related to something sporty! Just, you know, try to come up with something better than Superpro:

The rules are the same as usual:

  • All entries must be in JPG or PNG form (BMPs are too big), posted to a publicly accessible website (like ImageShack, PhotoBucket, the UGO Forums, whatever);
  • Entries must be made as a comment or comments to this post, containing a link directly to the image and the character name;
  • The image cannot have been used in any previous HeroMachine character design contest;
  • Please name your files as [your name]-[character name].[file extension]. So DiCicatriz, for instance, would save his "Bayou Belle" character image as DiCicatriz-BayouBelle.png.
  • Please make the link go directly to the image (like this) and not to a hosting jump page (like this). If you see "preview" or "rotate" somewhere in the link you're probably doing it wrong.
  • All entries must be in by next Monday, when I'll choose a winner.

The person with the winning entry as selected by our expert panel (i.e. me) will win their choice of a) a portrait to go in HeroMachine 3, b) an item to go in HeroMachine 3, or c) a custom black and white "Sketch of the Day" style drawing (also by me).

Good luck, everyone!

Caption Contest 111 Winners!

Many thanks to everyone who entered Caption Contest 111, which reaffirmed my belief that massively violent panels make for the best captions:

We had a ton of great submissions, so without further ado, here are some of the ones that I thought were particularly funny:

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Sometimes you just need to see a guy getting hit in the face

(From "The Green Mask" number 6, 1940-ish.)