Monthly Archives: August 2011

Go ahead, I dare you not to giggle.

Being a super-hero isn't all rose petals and adoring reporters. I mean, sure, Batman gets to be a multi billionaire and Superman gets to be good looking and invulnerable, but the ranks of the spandex-clad adventurer are filled with those less fortunate. That brings us to this week's question:

The idea here is that you get great powers, but with some significant downsides. It's easy to be a looker, but when you have to wander around all day looking like a hideous monster, that's a whole 'nother thing. So let's examine each of them in turn.

• The Hulk: To a degree, this probably depends on which of the Rainbow Ravager iterations you get. Different variations have the Hulk body and strength with the regular personality in charge. Others have a mindless, savage beast around full time, others part time, still others on a time share with the Rainbow Lantern Corps ("Paging one Red Lantern for residence in one Red Hulk, party of one!"). But fundamentally, you're going to be spending a large chunk of time not in control of a body that's not yours. That sounds like a bummer.
• The Thing: Ben Grimm's rocky figure, on the other hand, is around full time. The downside is that you look like one of the Muppets had a love child with a box of Captain Crunch. People fear you, no one understands your pain, and all you get out of the deal is the power to knock down buildings. And hang out with the smartest guy in the universe. Wait, what's the downside again? Oh yeah, your primary wardrobe is a big blue diaper, that's what.
• Fin Fang Foom: I just have this here because saying "Fin Fang Foom!" makes me giggle. Every time.
• Blok: He's a bit obscure, but Blok is one of the characters from one of the twelve dozen Legion of Super Heroes teams. He looks like a big pile of mobile lava in blue shoulder pads. You also have only four fingers on each hand and no nose. Plus, no chicks -- every other member of your race is dead. So, yay! On the other hand, you (meaning the you reading this) would get to have your mind and personality in the far future with all the cool gadgets and tech and planets to explore. All in an invulnerable body! So you won't ever get a girlfriend or boyfriend, it's not like that's SO different from how it is no, is it?!
• Beast: The worst part of the Beast is having to be played by Kelsey Grammer. No, wait, the worst part is the need to never be more than a few seconds away from a bidet -- all that fur gets nasty quick, folks. No, wait, the worst part is the constant moaning and whining you have to endure when you're around the Beast about how crappy his life is. But in this scenario YOU are the Beast, and you're not a whiner are you? I mean, you have your full intelligence (granted, that's not saying much in some cases), you are in command of your personality, you can jump around like a crazed spider-monkey, and you've got all kinds of super senses. Plus, let's face it, the guys who make the Mach 3 razor would pay you out the wazoo to endorse their product and would probably provide you with a team of personal shavers to ensure you stay sleek and smooth as a bouncy baby bottom.

I'd probably go with either The Thing or Blok, because I have a thing for sci-fi toys. Given that the Legion galaxy is big enough so you could go somewhere that the Fateful Five wouldn't find you, while The Thing can only hang out in the easily targeted Baxter Building, I'd go far future.

But what about you, what would you choose?