Go ahead, I dare you not to giggle.
Being a super-hero isn't all rose petals and adoring reporters. I mean, sure, Batman gets to be a multi billionaire and Superman gets to be good looking and invulnerable, but the ranks of the spandex-clad adventurer are filled with those less fortunate. That brings us to this week's question:
The idea here is that you get great powers, but with some significant downsides. It's easy to be a looker, but when you have to wander around all day looking like a hideous monster, that's a whole 'nother thing. So let's examine each of them in turn.
- The Hulk: To a degree, this probably depends on which of the Rainbow Ravager iterations you get. Different variations have the Hulk body and strength with the regular personality in charge. Others have a mindless, savage beast around full time, others part time, still others on a time share with the Rainbow Lantern Corps ("Paging one Red Lantern for residence in one Red Hulk, party of one!"). But fundamentally, you're going to be spending a large chunk of time not in control of a body that's not yours. That sounds like a bummer.
- The Thing: Ben Grimm's rocky figure, on the other hand, is around full time. The downside is that you look like one of the Muppets had a love child with a box of Captain Crunch. People fear you, no one understands your pain, and all you get out of the deal is the power to knock down buildings. And hang out with the smartest guy in the universe. Wait, what's the downside again? Oh yeah, your primary wardrobe is a big blue diaper, that's what.
- Fin Fang Foom: I just have this here because saying "Fin Fang Foom!" makes me giggle. Every time.
- Blok: He's a bit obscure, but Blok is one of the characters from one of the twelve dozen Legion of Super Heroes teams. He looks like a big pile of mobile lava in blue shoulder pads. You also have only four fingers on each hand and no nose. Plus, no chicks -- every other member of your race is dead. So, yay! On the other hand, you (meaning the you reading this) would get to have your mind and personality in the far future with all the cool gadgets and tech and planets to explore. All in an invulnerable body! So you won't ever get a girlfriend or boyfriend, it's not like that's SO different from how it is no, is it?!
- Beast: The worst part of the Beast is having to be played by Kelsey Grammer. No, wait, the worst part is the need to never be more than a few seconds away from a bidet -- all that fur gets nasty quick, folks. No, wait, the worst part is the constant moaning and whining you have to endure when you're around the Beast about how crappy his life is. But in this scenario YOU are the Beast, and you're not a whiner are you? I mean, you have your full intelligence (granted, that's not saying much in some cases), you are in command of your personality, you can jump around like a crazed spider-monkey, and you've got all kinds of super senses. Plus, let's face it, the guys who make the Mach 3 razor would pay you out the wazoo to endorse their product and would probably provide you with a team of personal shavers to ensure you stay sleek and smooth as a bouncy baby bottom.
I'd probably go with either The Thing or Blok, because I have a thing for sci-fi toys. Given that the Legion galaxy is big enough so you could go somewhere that the Fateful Five wouldn't find you, while The Thing can only hang out in the easily targeted Baxter Building, I'd go far future.
But what about you, what would you choose?
Some writers don’t seem to get this, but the Thing stopped being so angsty a long time a go and has kind of gotten used to his life.
On top of that, he’s pretty much a celebrity in the MU.I’d take him every time.
Because I’m less familiar with the Legion, I almost thought Blok was a typo, and you were including The Blob, which would also have been an interesting pick. The gigantic fat, immovable fat guy. But maybe he’d still look too normal for this poll.
I almost want to pick the Beast, because he’s one of my favorite characters. But then I realized the actual worst thing about being the blue furry guy that Jeff seemed to miss: Having to spend all that time around Scott Summers. That’s going to kill fun pretty quickly.
I’m with TopHat. Ben Grimm hasn’t been all bitter, nor has he scared small children, in some time. If you don’t like the tighty-blueys, you could always change your costume style to something else. And despite Thing’s appearance, he’s managed to attract the attention of the ladies from time to time.
Y’know what I love about Fin Fang Foom? He wears pants. Look at that picture! It’s true? Why does he need to wear pants? I had no idea giant monster-dragon-thingies were so modest.
I’d go with Beast. He’s smart, strong, and agile. And yeah, Scott Summers is a PITA, but you could always just punch him in the face, think how good that would feel.
And hey, if you ever get lonely, just go looking for the nearest Furry convention 🙂
I pick Bloc because hopefully by the future there will be so many differences in species on Earth that it’ll be no big thing!
@Myro, don’t be hating on Cyclops. I’d wanna be around him just to try to pick up his leftovers. I mean, isn’t that what Wolverine does? Oh SNAP!
i was curious so i looked up what Blok looked like , here’s a link
http://www.majorspoilers.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/001Blok/Blok.jpg
Minor nitpick, Jeff.
The Thing isn’t always the everlovin’ blue-eyed freak we’ve all come to know. It may not be so common now, but many of the older comics have him shifting to human for a time, then back. Once, the human version used a ‘Thing’ costume to duplicate the ‘normal’ appearance and powers, and I believe that at one point he was shifting back and forth between the two forms at will – I want to say that was during/just after the Secret Wars storyline, but can’t recall for certain.
In either of those cases, the Thing is the best pick, hands-down…because while he may not be male model material, the human Benjamin Grimm has a fairly decent appearance. However, that caveat might disqualify him from your contest!
FIN FANG FOOM!!! I’ve loved that dragon’s preposterous name ever since I first heard it.
I’ve always wanted to come up with a football-style cheer for him, ending with something like, “Stand up! Sit down! FIN! FANG! FOOM!!!”
(Accepting contributions for rhymes & lyrics…heh, heh…….)
Dan (5): While Scott seems to be able to attract some fetching ladies, I still hold to my opinion that the reason Hank McCoy joined The Avengers was to get some time away from Cyclops’ anally-constrictive personality. And it worked so well, Wolverine’s followed suit.
I definitely would say beast, manly because in addition to being a brick, he has all the benefits of a monkey, and I just love monkeys.
I went with the Hulk. The premise of the question means that our personality and memories would be intact. Since, unlike ole Bruce, I don’t suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder my mind would be in charge of the Hulk body all the time. Yes, that is the explanation given for the variety of Hulk personalities and abilities. It may have been abandoned recently but I remember the series from the 80’s where it was explained. Bruce Banner as Sybil? You betcha.
Big and green is cool although a wardrobe change is in order. I would get rid of the purple pants. Green and black go very well together. The armored look from Planet Hulk wouldn’t be bad either.
Mike Smash!
FING FANG FOOM!
Has no genitals whatsoever.
Gotta go with Beast. Chicks dig the fur.
I’m never eating Cap’n Crunch again… Oh, who am I kidding! Eat the stuff right out of the box. Sometimes I forget to open it first.
Mmmm… gotta go with Beast because blue is my favorite color.
I went with The Hulk, if only because I’m already The Hulk, in a way. I have several genetic abnormalities (atavisms, high-functioning autism, etc.) that combine in such a way that when I get angry, I become an adrenaline-filled engine of unstoppable destruction…
Of course, when I’m not angry, I’m an incredible weakling. I mean, I swear I can almost feel my muscles atrophy due to their lack of use. And if I were to sustain enough wounds during my rage that I would have died under normal circumstances, well, I wouldn’t be alive for much longer after calming down.
@Myro, was it that Scott was anal retentive, or did Beast know that soon Storm would be taking over and get the whole team killed? And look who he went hung out with on the Avengers. Mr. Fashion Nightmare himself, Wonder Man. Plus, ol’ Hank came running right back when Scott formed X-Factor. Beast loves Cyclop’s junk.
Fin Fang Foom, the dragon in swimming trunks…does anybody else notice how much he looks like Spiro Agnew?
Dan (16): Okay, you got me on that one. Still, the point is that it would no longer be Hank dealing with Scott, it would be me. And to paraphrase the great Ferris Bueller, Scott’s sphincter is wound so tight, you could stick a lump of coal up his ass, and in two weeks, you’d have a diamond. I stand by my original answer, thank you.
Regards to the Thing and is ability to shift to human form, yes that was during, and just after the secret wars, during his short run series, I wanna say 30 issues or so. However during that time, he lost the ability to do it. I don’t remember the details, but to the best of my knowledge he can’t do it any more, and hasn’t since then.
And yeah, Cyclops has a big stick someplace.
@Myro & Gene, I’d still rather hang with Scott over Wolverine. Can you imagine what that dude’s room smells like? Plus, he’s always trying to take your women. Smelly little beer guzzling troll.
Dan (20): Okay, no argument there. I don’t see myself wanting to spend time with Wolverine either. Which I’d probably have to do if I was Beast. So, just furthering my argument.
I don’t want to hang around any of the X-Men. Scott’s a twat, Wolverine’s a twat who thinks he’s cool (In other words a massive twat), Jean Grey is dead on alternating days of the week, and the rest of them are just angsty buggers.
TopHat does have a point. I wouldn’t want to hang with any of the X-Men. Their house is always getting destroyed, people dying and coming back to life all the time, and you have to deal with Gambit and Wolverine blowing smoke rings in your face. And if Storm is half as annoying as Hallie Berry played her, I’d shoot myself.
In universe don’t the Fantastic Four get a lot of publicity as one of the more well known super hero groups? I mean you’d think they get both good publicity and bad, and after years of a lot of good publicity you’d think folks would come to know what Ben Grimm looks like, who he is, and stop being so terrified of him.
That said, I don’t really see much difference between Blok and the Thing appearance wise really. Both are stone beings, one orange and one grey. Maybe their powers are different, but either way you’re living stone. Guess that’s better than being a alien dragon, possibly being a nearly mindless brute, or being someone who could mutate yet again in appearance. So I’d probably go with either Blok or the Thing.
I would pick The Thing for a verity of reasons, one is that the X-Men have a pretty high mortality rate. As the beast your chances of croaking to sell more comics is really likely. Second Ben Grimm is pretty much pals with every hero in the Marvel U and loved by children and babies. and finally Fin Fang Foom may be a cool giant dragon but he can’t tool around in the Fantasticar or go for a hot night out with ultra babe Alicia Masters. Point match Mr Grimm.