Category Archives: Versus

Shamelessly, I present the following Poll Position holiday-themed Wolverine question, pushing the boundaries of how shamelessly I can exploit a popular character to further my own popularity:

Forthwith to the rolling in the muck!

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(Look at the size of that baby!)

With Halloween coming up, I thought it would be fun to explore what might come about if you were bitten by a radioactive shop attendant while wearing your favorite costume:

• Dracula: I tend to think vampires-as-super-heroes don't really work, partly because they already pretty much have the powers (invisibility, strength, polymorph, dematerialisation, etc.) and partly because they get all burnt up in the sun. Unless you're talking about "Twilight" vampires, in which case their only real powers are to a) sparkle in the sun and b) woo innocent virgins without ever defiling them. Which seems more like a super weakness to me, but whatever. I just have trouble getting past the "undead bloodsucking predator of humans" aspect of things, I suppose.
• Frankenstein: Lots of strength, very little in the brains department, unless you're going with the old-school original Mary Shelley version. In which case you're going to be spending a lot of time sulking in the Arctic, which isn't terribly appealing.
• Ghost: Since we're talking about a super-hero BASED on the costume, hopefully in this case you'd be able to change back and forth from ghost form to human. In which case the ability to walk through walls and turn mostly invisible would be pretty fun.
• Gorilla: Big, strong, hairy, smelly, loud, prone to fits of rage ... wait a minute, I think this might be what happened to me at some point! Can gorillas go bald?
• Hannah Montana: Just ... no.
• Neytiri (Avatar): I get that lots of people love the blue skinned people from "Avatar", I really do. And they're tall, strong, athletic, nimble, and can plug their tails into any local network connection for, like, awesome download speeds. They're just not for me.
• Pirate: What super powers would a pirate have? Probably you'd be built along the Daredevil type of model, with some sort of keen danger sense, lots of acrobatics, and of course awesome swashbuckling skills with a cutlass. This could be fun.
• The Situation: I don't actually watch "Jersey Shore", but the combination of killer orange tan, loud mouth, and prominent muscles with a Trump-sized ego surely must count as a super power already, no?
• Tinkerbell: Shrinking, flight, light-production, and ... um ... a sparkly glitter contrail wherever you go! Much better than what usually goes shooting out my ... well.
• Witch: The ability to work magic would be pretty cool. The green skin and wart, not so much. Hopefully I'd at least be a sexy witch, because I kill in high heels and a push-up bra.

I'd probably go with Ghost or Pirate, because they seem to have power sets that would be both applicable and fun in the real world.

What about you?

I freely admit that this might be the stupidest poll question I have asked yet. That's me, the overachiever. But with the whole "Clerical Contest" going on this week I wanted to do something with the idea of holy characters, and let's be honest -- Wolverine is a sure-fire vote-getter. That's me, vote whore. Put that all together and you get:

Let's put on our Smart Guy Tweed Coat With Elbow Pads and snort down some tobacco on our pipe while we dive into the deep theological and philosophical waters here, shall we?

• Thor: I know people love them some Wolverine, but let's get real -- Thor's a freaking GOD. He can fly around up in the sky and hurl lightning bolts at Logan till even the mutant healing bits are little more than tasty bacon. If he gets bored with that, he could land and pummel his pint-sized foe to death from a hundred yards away over and over again with Mjolnir. This isn't even close. And yes, I know Marvel is putting out a digital "Thor vs. Wolverine" mini-series, but those cynical bastards just want your money while I am a pure and noble purveyor of Truth. And vote whore.
• Hercules: A much better match-up than Thor, for the lack of lightning bolts if nothing else. At least Hercules can't fly, so this would be a good old-fashioned toe-to-toe slug-fest. And I actually think Logan could hold his own here. Yes, Marvel Hercules is incredibly strong, but he's not invulnerable, and I think Wolverine's speed and quickness would come into play here. Plus Herc just isn't savage, and that counts.
• Battle Pope: I admit, I don't know much about Battle Pope. I just like the name. But after reading the Wikipedia entry, I realize that his roommate is Jesus, and you don't mess with JC. So while Wolverine might take this guy down one-on-one, the Lord doesn't leave his warriors hanging.
• Spawn: I have discovered that I think of Wolverine as a D&D style troll, and that if you can just burn him badly enough, he can't recover. I know this is not canon, but there it is anyway. Plus the chains, the CHAINS, man! They're, like both holy AND demonic! Or something. Does Spawn really have to make sense, or is it enough that he has big claws and fangs and is brooding and totally kills people you guys! And did I mention the Hell?!
• All of the above: Wolverine can beat anybody!!1!!!

If you answered "All of the above", take a moment to wipe the spittle from your screen. I'll wait.

(Image ©2010, Marvel Entertainment Group.)

Done? Good, because you're wrong. Thor kicks his ass twelve ways to Asgard and back, just for funsies. I think he could probably beat Hercules if he put his mind to it, and Battle Pope would likely be a beat-down until the Big Guy stepped in. Spawn would probably also be a good fight, but in my head he has flame powers and would melt the little bastard. That is probably not even true but I'm not listening to you.

So the correct answer is HERCULES!

Now tell me why I am wrong and you are right, but for the love of Pete keep some Kleenex handy. Monitors ain't cheap.

We appear to be on a bit of Jack Kirby kick this week, so let's take the King's designs into real life, shall we?

Let's take a deeper look, shall we?

The Headgear

It's big. It's bulky. It won't fit through most doorways. How the heck are you supposed to move in this stuff? There are enormous horns, gigantic tuning forks, even one guy with an enormous video camera mounted to his noggin. Just maneuvering around the every day obstacles of life would be a hassle, assuming you don't live in the god-sized Asgard.

The Weight

Kirby armor is huge and bulky and must weigh several metric tons. I can't imagine getting out of a chair, even -- which apparently Maximus can't either, as he's still moribund. Come to think of it, all your furniture would have to be triply reinforced and made of adamantium just to keep your shiny metal butt from smashing into the floor. Let's not even think about how you de-suit go to the bathroom in under three hours.

The Controls

Kirby outfits have doo-dads everywhere. Hips, chest, nipples, crotch, all along the belt, the outer thighs, inside the armpits, you name it and there's a button or lever or switch or tape recorder or something you have to fiddle with. I'd be in a constant panic thinking that if I accidentally scratch where it itches I might set off a nuclear bomb or something.

The Name
I think this about says it all:

It sounds like I'm harshing on Jack Kirby -- and I am a little -- but it's the same goodhearted ribbing I give my friends, born of respect and admiration. The guy was a total stud. But if you spend any time at all looking through particularly his later works, like his run at Pacific Comics or the New Gods or the Inhumans or whatnot, a lot of these visual shortcuts start to jump out at you.

I have to say, I'd be curious to talk to the costume designers for the "Thor" movie to find out how they kept the Kirby horns on Loki from dragging the actor's head to the ground. Those helmets look incredibly heavy and awkward to me.

But at the end of the day, in the real world, I'd most hate the bewildering array of controls and doohickeys that festoon a classic Kirby outfit. I just know I'd fart and destroy downtown.

We've talked about making fantasy worlds real before, but this week I wanted to focus on the popular "Young Adult" series that seem to be all the rage. I'm leaving this one open for you to add your own responses, but I'm counting on you to use your discretion -- keep in mind this isn't "My favorite all time cartoon series", it's material that started as young adult printed fiction.

With that, let's take a look at the options so far!

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Let's face it, the ability to save people is big for super-heroes, but at the end of the day we all like blowing crap up. Which brings us to this week's Poll Position question:

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We tend to focus on the flashy side of the super-hero business, but there's no denying that secret identities are an integral part of the genre. Which brings us to this week's question:

Discussion to follow!

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In the spirit of last week's question, which generated some great ideas and discussion, once again we bring ourselves to wonder what happens if we're not who we think we are:

Discussion to follow! And since last week the suggestions were all actual good ideas and not inappropriate in any way, I've left it open this time as well for you to put in your own answers. Make them good though!

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Our Poll Position question this week may be late, but it's a doozy:

Discussion to follow! And you'll note I have made it possible for you to add your own possible answer here. If the past is any indication, this freedom will last for about an hour before someone submits something so egregiously out of order I have to close that part off. But we'll see.

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