Poll Position: Holy war

I freely admit that this might be the stupidest poll question I have asked yet. That's me, the overachiever. But with the whole "Clerical Contest" going on this week I wanted to do something with the idea of holy characters, and let's be honest -- Wolverine is a sure-fire vote-getter. That's me, vote whore. Put that all together and you get:


Let's put on our Smart Guy Tweed Coat With Elbow Pads and snort down some tobacco on our pipe while we dive into the deep theological and philosophical waters here, shall we?

  • Thor: I know people love them some Wolverine, but let's get real -- Thor's a freaking GOD. He can fly around up in the sky and hurl lightning bolts at Logan till even the mutant healing bits are little more than tasty bacon. If he gets bored with that, he could land and pummel his pint-sized foe to death from a hundred yards away over and over again with Mjolnir. This isn't even close. And yes, I know Marvel is putting out a digital "Thor vs. Wolverine" mini-series, but those cynical bastards just want your money while I am a pure and noble purveyor of Truth. And vote whore.
  • Hercules: A much better match-up than Thor, for the lack of lightning bolts if nothing else. At least Hercules can't fly, so this would be a good old-fashioned toe-to-toe slug-fest. And I actually think Logan could hold his own here. Yes, Marvel Hercules is incredibly strong, but he's not invulnerable, and I think Wolverine's speed and quickness would come into play here. Plus Herc just isn't savage, and that counts.
  • Battle Pope: I admit, I don't know much about Battle Pope. I just like the name. But after reading the Wikipedia entry, I realize that his roommate is Jesus, and you don't mess with JC. So while Wolverine might take this guy down one-on-one, the Lord doesn't leave his warriors hanging.
  • Spawn: I have discovered that I think of Wolverine as a D&D style troll, and that if you can just burn him badly enough, he can't recover. I know this is not canon, but there it is anyway. Plus the chains, the CHAINS, man! They're, like both holy AND demonic! Or something. Does Spawn really have to make sense, or is it enough that he has big claws and fangs and is brooding and totally kills people you guys! And did I mention the Hell?!
  • All of the above: Wolverine can beat anybody!!1!!!

If you answered "All of the above", take a moment to wipe the spittle from your screen. I'll wait.

(Image ©2010, Marvel Entertainment Group.)

Done? Good, because you're wrong. Thor kicks his ass twelve ways to Asgard and back, just for funsies. I think he could probably beat Hercules if he put his mind to it, and Battle Pope would likely be a beat-down until the Big Guy stepped in. Spawn would probably also be a good fight, but in my head he has flame powers and would melt the little bastard. That is probably not even true but I'm not listening to you.

So the correct answer is HERCULES!

Now tell me why I am wrong and you are right, but for the love of Pete keep some Kleenex handy. Monitors ain't cheap.

23 Responses to Poll Position: Holy war

  1. Anarchangel says:

    I actually agree with you (almost) completely on this one Jeff. Which I seem to do a lot. Apparently we think alike and for that reason at least one of us should be extremely worried. I’m not sure who though.

    Yes, there will undoubtedly be the fan-boys out there that would argue that dear old Logan could annihilate everyone but they’re wrong. Thor would win that little clash.

    Hercules, being a god and all, does stand a chance of winning too but, of all the choices here, he’s definitely the one Wolverine has the best chance of defeating.

    Good show old boy.

  2. X-stacy says:

    Oh, please, Herc is a god, while Spawn is just an angry Spider-man knock-off with chains and a cape instead of webbing and sticky fingers. And yes, some hellfire, but it doesn’t bother Wolverine much when Ghost Rider does it. Or any of the fire-themed mutants who’ve taken a shot, for that matter.

  3. Jeff Hebert says:

    This is me not listening to X-stacy. NAHNAHNAHNAHNAHNAHNAHNAH I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

  4. X-stacy says:

    With your internet connection, I’m not surprised!

  5. John says:

    I need to ask anyone who actually voted “Thor” to please step up and provide an explanation. Please note: that explanation should be more thoughtful than “Cuz Logan is teh awsumness!”

  6. Oquies says:

    Where is “None of the above”?

  7. kingmonkey says:

    Hercules could beat Logan for the simple reason that, as Omni-man might point out, he can fling the feral Canuck into space. Regeneration don’t mean spit if you suffocate, your body is either freeze-dried, or eventually drifts into a sun.

    I went with Spawn here, mostly because I don’t like Spawn.

    It’s like the Marvel vs. DC fiasco where Wolverine beat Lobo. Popularity shouldn’t be a super power.

  8. Kalkin says:

    Hercules is – divine or not – just a strong guy, he can’t fling a big hammer, command lightning or do mystical stuff with chains. That means Wolverine can use the same moves as against Hulk – except easier. A good claw poke in the eyes and he’s a blind strong guy that screams a lot. Few seconds later he’s all over the floor. Rest in pieces.

  9. Myro says:

    I gotta agree with John (5) on this one. Given that Wolverine’s son, Daken, who was pretending to be Wolverine in the Dark Avengers, lasted all of 3 seconds against Thor during Siege before he got much of the flesh blasted from his bones from a lightening strike. While Logan may have the edge over Daken in experience, I’m pretty sure that Adamantium makes for a nice conductor of electricity.
    I went for Battle Pope. I figure Wolverine could finish him off before Christ makes an appearance.

  10. MartianBlue says:

    Wolverine is one of my three favorites(2nd) along with Cap and Thor.
    With that said,
    1. Wolverine vs Thor : Winner Thor
    No contest, Thor would demolish Wolverine with ease. But let’s be fair, Thor would demolish most with ease.
    2. Wolverine vs Hercules : Winner Hercules
    A decent battle for sure, but Hercules is known for achieving the impossible. Tired, with many cuts, Hercules would stand victorious over a broken Wolverine.
    3. Wolverine vs Spawn : Winner Wolverine
    Not only does Wolverine have to contend with the man, but also his parasitic suit, and living cloak and chains, but Wolverine is up to the task. After a knock down drag out, both ready to collapse from exhaustion Spawn makes a fatal mistake, launching a chain, giving Wolverine his opening. A dodging slice of chain followed by a gut full of adamantium.
    4. Wolverine vs Battle Pope : Winner Wolverine
    I honestly don’t know who this guy is. All I can find is he’s a womanizing, alcoholic, with a bad attitude. Either way, it doesn’t really matter, Wolverine is a beast, plain and simple. Indestructible bones, healing factor, adamantium claws, agility, speed, special training, bla, bla, bla.

  11. Me, Myself & I says:

    1. Wolverine vs. Thor: I’ve got to say that, even though I really like Wolverine, I think Thor would defeat him easily. He just has to many tactical advantages that Wolverine can not counter not to mention raw godly might!

    2. Wolverine vs. Hercules: This would be a really tough one but I think Wolverine would have a chance. I recall correctly hercules was only a demigod. In other words, while he has a spark of the devine, he is still mortal. The fact is that he is a one trick pony.

    3. Wolverine vs. Spawn: I’m not as familiar with Spawn’s poer set but what I am familiar with I think that Wolverine might be able to pull it off. Once again, it’d be a really tough fight.

    4. Wolverine vs. Battle Pope: Battle who? Oh, him. Yah, I can’t see him being a problem for Wolverine. Battle Pope is going down!

  12. Bael says:

    Spawn is over rated. And he cuts up just fine. Somewhere, in a dusty box, I have the issue where he has to sew his entire face up by hand.

    If Heracles can kill the Lernean hydra, he can deal with Wolverine. He doesn’t even need a new trick. Take off the head, seal it up somewhere it doesn’t have room to grow a new body. And no, an adamantium skeleton doesn’t keep his head from coming off between the vertebra.

  13. EnderX says:

    @Bael – but what’ll prevent the body from growing a new head? Logan heals from flame wounds; the trick used with the original hydra’s replicating heads won’t prevent the neck from growing something new.

    Unless there’s a time limit involved, I’m going to say that Logan could take any of them except Thor, and that the Wolverine/Thor battle would end in a draw…or more properly, a stalemate. As noted above, Logan can’t really -win- against Thor, but without some kind of externally enforced time limit (either a legitimate ‘ten minutes in the ring’ variant or a person who must be saved/stopped before it’s too late), I don’t really see him -giving up- either. It’d be a battle of short (five minutes, tops) rounds with weeks or months between them, but all Thor can do is tear Logan apart. Given that the man once regrew from a single droplet of blood (albeit a droplet supercharged by some alien power source), I don’t think that’d quite be enough to -stop- Logan if he really had some reason to carry on with the fight.

  14. MScat says:

    I think of all the fights the best one to watch would be Thor and Wolverine. I mean these are two ppl that went toe to toe with HULK!!! Anyone who stands up to the hulk and walks away is one strong son of a Flagnarg! I dnt know how good the thunderbolts would be though…it all depends on acuracy.

    Spawn may have a chance…I mean the guy could just drop wolverine in hell for all eternity…let’s face it wolverine is just one cigar and impure thought of Jean Grey away from being there anyway.

    Herc has faced a lot of foes and he does have the strength…but he’s never met wolverine…i think even Herculese could not stand agains the ferocity of an angry wolverine.

    And as far as Battle Pope goes…I think even God would be like “Your on your own with this one” lol

  15. William A. Peterson says:

    Battle Pope, clearly!
    The JC that BP hangs out with is somewhat less impressive than Shaggy, from Scooby Doo, which is why he NEEDS Battle Pope in the first place!
    Also, I’m not a big fan of either Wolvie or Spawn, but even Spawn should be able to deal with the Canadian…

  16. MetallicaFan says:

    I think Thor vs. Wolverine would be interesting and possibly a decent fight. But, at the end of the day, wolverine would be a lightning rod.

    Unfortunately, I screwed up and accidentally hit none of the above because I somehow didn’t see Thor originally.

    On a side note: “So while Wolverine might take this guy down one-on-one, the Lord doesn’t leave his warriors hanging.” Martyrs, anyone?

  17. Danny Beaty says:

    Wolverine vs. da Bears? Da Bears!

  18. kingmonkey says:

    Then again, I now recall that Spawn is empowered by the most strongest stuff in any comic book universe: Todd MacFarlane’s ego! It’s even tougher than Alan Moore’s self-righteousness.

    Can even Wolvie cut through Todd’s ego? I think not.

  19. Hmm…not to be overly fanboyish but Spawn is the strongest guy on the list. He can control the powers of hell and light.
    He has been grafted gifts from lucifer and the holy ghost.
    Plus he has a FREAKIN DEMON SYMBIOTE!!! HOW F*CKING COOL IS THAT? And yes symbiotes like Venom’s. (Mcfarlen got booted from Marvel remember? Spawn is still 45% marvels)
    Though Hercules for some reason seems like he’d get his ass kicked. Battle pope is hilarious but Thor could easily beat the sh*t out of Wolverine. Spawn though…he could just open a pit to hell and thow wolvy in.

  20. OK, After seeing these comments some of you guys can’t be the brightest candel(wovly fanboys). HE is A MUTANT. NOT A GOD(s) NOT A BEING FROM HELL OR ASGARD. He would be pounded to dust by Spawn and Thor easy…and if I read battle pope right him to….Heck so would Herc!! He becomes a full God in Roman mythos. Wolvy is over blown beyond belief. He can die easy! Just shoot em with a rocket or cut his head off, tear his heart out after you shoot him in the head!!! Yeesh…

  21. spudercow2010 says:

    So, wait…Logan ISN’T “teh awsumness?” I’m not following this at all.

  22. McNinja says:

    Wolverine V. Thor: Winner – Thor, because he’s better in basically every way. Almost no contest.

    W v. Battle Pope: Winner – Wolverine, because I have no Idea who the Battle Pope is.

    W v. Spawn: Winner – SPAWN, because he is better than Wolverine, and probably Thor. For those who do not know, he can create weapons with his cape, his suit has chains that literally have a mind of their own, he can regenerate from any injury, and most recently, he was given the power on par with God (it is quite different in Spawns universe, you are just gonna have to Wikipedia that).

  23. TopHat says:

    Wolverine get’s casually obliterated by everybody listed. Thor and Herc can flick him into the sun, and Spawn and pulp Logan’s brain inside his skull, or soul-suck.