Poll Position: Vote-Whoring With Wolverine

Shamelessly, I present the following Poll Position holiday-themed Wolverine question, pushing the boundaries of how shamelessly I can exploit a popular character to further my own popularity:


Forthwith to the rolling in the muck!

  • Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein": Smart, strong, and utterly amoral. He's certainly got the personality profile to at least hang with Wolverine for a while, at least until the claws come out. I don't recall any of the grotesque pastiche of convict bodies used to give Frank physical form again were adamantium-proof, but then again, it's been a while since I read the book.
  • Hollywood's Frankenstein: Stronger and more relentless in some ways than the original, nonetheless I'd think the use of the abnormal (or "Abby Normal") brain would make this version of Frankenstein little more than the featured ingredient in a future mincemeat pie. On the other hand, this IS Hollywood, capable of performing such super-hero related feats as making Michael Keaton believable as Batman, so nothing is impossible.
  • Malevolent ghost: So the conundrum here is, how do you slice someone into bits with your shiny sharp claws when they're incorporeal? Conversely, how would the ghost in turn affect Logan? Perhaps a guest appearance by the Ghostbusters would make this readable, but I wouldn't hold my breath.
  • Wicked Witch: I like the idea of a magic-wielding sorceress type going against Wolverine. A non-physical opponent would be the most likely to give him trouble, possibly including the "Summon Monster IV" spell to bring in a rustmonster.
  • Hannah Montana: Admit it, you would buy this. I know I would -- I'm not proud.
  • Super pirate: I know there must be pirate-themed super characters out there (Psycho Pirate comes to mind, but that's not quite the same thing), but I can't think of any off-hand. Some sort of super saber, lots of acrobatics, a swashbuckling, devil-may-care attitude, those could go a long way to making for an interesting fight. Plus the scene where Wolverine slices a cannonball hurtling at him into ribbons before it can impact would be cool.
  • Fairy princess: More magic, with a different emphasis. I also like the idea of this itty-bitty Tinkerbell flitting around while Logan swings like a Yankees batter against Cliff Lee, looking both frustrated and lost.
  • Sinister ninja: Wolverine has battled ninjas before and come out just fine. No contest here.
  • Jedi: Now this I'd like to see. You get the pseudo-magic powers of a witch or fairy, with the cuts-anything light saber physical confrontation aspect.
  • Brick & Brick Layer: A perennial "couples" costume favorite, I admit I put it on the list just for the mental fantasy of Wolverine slicing this tired old idea to shreds, literally. Ah, joy.

I think the only real question here is, "Could you successfully sell any random pile of crap as long as it had Wolverine's name on it?" I won't know for sure until next week when the vote totals are in, but judging from the 1990s I am going to go with a tentative "yes".

Having said that, while I would like to see Wolverine crash a Hannah Montana concert and go to town, I think the honest answer here is that the Jedi vs. Wolverine matchup would be the most fun. I wonder what would happen when his adamantium claws met a light saber? I suppose it would depend on who was producing the movie, LucasFilms or Marvel. Either way, good times.

What are your thoughts on this pressing matter of national concern?

Just say no.

13 Responses to Poll Position: Vote-Whoring With Wolverine

  1. MartianBlue says:

    I know it’s not an option, but I would say a were-wolf. An animalistic battle for sure.

  2. Myro says:

    Miley, I hope you have health insurance. I’m not that proud either, Jeff.

  3. Brad says:

    What does it say about us that she’s winning above all else? I shudder to think of how disturbing the read would actually be.

  4. Nick Hentschel says:

    I’m surprised that you left Dracula and the Wolf-man off the list. Ol’ Drac would be particularly appropriate, since not only does he blend the feral/fangs and magical aspects, but Marvel has actually done a version of him!

    Out of the options that you mentioned, though, I’d go for Shelley’s Frankenstein: the character interaction would make for a much better story. The Wicked Witch takes second, and Tinkerbell would make for one, very amusing, panel only.

  5. Gero says:

    I agree with Nick, we need Dracula!

  6. William A. Peterson says:

    Well, admittedly, seeing Billy Ray AND his daughter getting the slice and dice treatment appeals, I have to go with the Jedi…
    Visually far more appealing!

  7. A Jedi would put up the best fight. I think Mary Shelley’s homunculus would be cunning, more likely to set traps that ultimately lead to a showdown at the Roof of the World.

    Still, I can picture Wolverine sitting on a felled tree, surrounded by what’s left of a forest, hunched over, arms resting on his knees, even heaving in exhaustion. On his shoulder is a fairy princess giggling.

  8. Nick Hentschel says:

    OOOO!!!!! I just thought up another one: Wolverine vs. the Blair Witch! Let’s throw *both* of these characters out of their element.

    (This would be particularly appropriate, since both BWP and “X-Men” hit the theaters at about the same time.)

  9. knight1192a says:

    Common, Jedi don’t need to be Marvelized (after all, Marvel did have the SW liscence in the ’80s) to be a match for Wolverine. The question there would be given the right Jedi could Woloverine be much of a challenge for a Jedi?

    The real sell is Hannah Montana. How many folks are tired of her already? Folks would buy that just to see her sliced and diced.

  10. Sean Murphy says:

    I think the Jedi could be really interesting. First off, I’ve never seen a light-saber *deflect* anything that was not energy. Second, adamantium can withstand anything short of a nuke, and even that is debatable. Logan’s claws and the Jedi’s light-saber would slide harmlessly through each other, and it would be up to the hyper-senses/para-senses and the agility of each opponent to dodge the other weapon. And what does happen when a laser passes through flesh, but leaves bones unaffected? The limb can’t be amputated, but it can be rendered near useless, for a while. (Logically, only half the arm would get sliced, the rest protected by being “behind” the adamantium bone.) The fight would turn into an acrobatic blur of claws and saber, and would look *really* cool in Matrix-style special effects.

    That said, it cracks me up that Hanna Montana is winning…

  11. Danny Beaty says:

    I would like to see Wolverine fight the 70’s version of Man-Thing.

  12. X-stacy says:

    The X-Men already fought Dracula, Nick. I even used to have a What If? based on it, in which Wolverine became the Lord of All Vampires.

    (It also featured the third or fourth time Wolverine killed Kitty Pryde in a What If? story. Clearly somebody had a fetish. But that’s neither here nor there.)

  13. MetallicaFan says:

    I went with Shelley’s Frankenstein, although admittedly Hannah Montana was a close second.