Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Iron Skull. The crazy eyes, the improbable origin, the dubious power set, it’s all so wonderfully bizarre that you can’t help but like him.

But this “super” version of his costume is just wretched:

Is that skull and crossbones insignia tattooed on his bare chest? Or is it one of those peel-and-stick magnetized decals like you see on business vehicles? It’s not helped any by the cape, which is either magnetized as well or just ties at his throat, since there’s no shirt to stitch it to. Completing the stunning ensemble are the blue swim trunks held up by the obnoxious red studded belt, and matching red studded fringe on top of his boots. I don’t know why the boots need a belt, maybe he has troublesome ankles.

In general, you should either go nude or go home, but running around mostly naked with a few super-hero bits tacked on looks terrible. It feels like somehow he rolled out of the shower and was only halfway dressed when The Call came in.

He was much better off when he just wore a suit and tie and tried to taunt his enemies into only firing at his head. Although apparently he took one too many slugs to the ol’ noggin and switched to this outfit instead. Pity.

(Image from “Stars and Stripes” number 5, 1941.)

In honor of our contest theme this week, I give you an Image Nineties costume for the creatively-named Brick. See if you can tell which one he is in this cover:

If you guessed the woman in the middle with the breasts hanging directly onto her collarbones and toothpicks for legs, you were wrong. Nor is he the Aquaman looking fellow with the sporty bandanna and perfectly round tear in his leotards.

No, Brick is the brick-colored figure in the background who has unfortunately had his entire abdomen ripped out and flung off-panel, jamming his stubby legs directly into his chest cavity. I chose this as a “bad costume”, though, because of the way the big h-shaped harness studs mimic the studs on his shoulders and arms. Are those artificial studs, or thin metal coverings for bumps that actually exist on his body? I don’t know about you, but I’d definitely rather he not take his clothes off to answer the question once and for all. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Also, I can’t tell if his feet bend at the toes or not. Those might be column-feet that he staggers around on like a sawed-off satyr, but it’s hard to tell. Given the treatment the other six feet on the cover receive, we may never know, but at least he didn’t get the Bozo the Clown shoes Half-Skull-Man has to deal with. It’s like Brick inherited the missing limb mass from the other three and just added it to his own in some kind of bizarre Image Universe Law of Conservation of Anatomy or something.

Being the intrepid reporter I am, however, I found another image that better shows his … well, I guess “outfit” has to work, even though it’s a stretch to call two twisted bits of metal that. Regardless:

Here we can see that yes, his feet do have a toe portion, though they’re largely subsumed by the giant tin cans mounting them like overly amorous R2 units. I’m still not sure why he needs studded metal suspenders if he doesn’t have an abdomen, but maybe the public exposure laws where he’s from are particularly aggressive.

My last word on this costume is to wonder why so many beefy brick guys wander around wearing metal armor, when metal walls and tanks and buildings are constantly getting torn up around them while their invulnerable skins stays perfectly intact. If they’re tougher than metal, why wear metal? And if they’re not, why are they bricks in the first place?

That’s me, folks, constantly on the cutting edge of thinking about comic book physics from twenty years ago. You’re welcome.

(Image and characters © Image Comics.)

I missed “Bad Costume Wednesday” yesterday, my apologies. Luckily the “X-Men” were on the job and managed to not only identify a bad costume for us, but to put the perp in chains as befits this violation of the fashion code:

The fact that they ruined the costume of one of the all-time great villains particularly galls me. Magneto is a bad-ass, but they turned him into a “good guy” by making him leader of the X-Men, and then slapped this Broadway-escapee bondage getup on him. Purple’s a very risky color for anyone to wear, but particularly for villains who stake their reputations on being stone-cold killers. When you add in the super long gloves — also purple — and the silly pink “M” on his chest, it’s just embarrassing.

With apologies and a hat-tip to Chris Sims of “Chris’ Invincible SuperBlog” fame (via his new digs at Comics Alliance), I would like to return to the wellspring of all things super-fashionable, the 1990s.

Take a look at “Forge” as he poses for an action-packed conversation:

I’ll let Chris take it away:

For a while there I couldn’t figure out if the most hilarious thing about this panel was the fact that he’s wearing Wonder Woman’s new jacket over a jacket over a turtleneck, or the his spread-legged Computer Usin’ Stance, but then I noticed the crown jewel: In order to show off his cybernetic leg, Forge has manufactured an individual pant leg out of spandex and belted it just above his knee.

That is fantastic.

Couldn’t agree more, big guy. Also, how hard is the air conditioning blowing in this place? That bandanna looks like it’s alive, whipping about in a mad fury. Apparently it’s enough of a hazard that it’s severed the head of the unfortunate sunglasses-wearing gentleman behind Forge’s shoulder. That takes some serious BTUs, folks.

Finally, I can’t wrap my head around that one strap running down his left side. It just ends at his crotch, which forces me to wonder what in the hell that buckle attaches to. I pray it’s actually free-floating, because if not … ouch. Does he have to think about baseball scores and math to make it unbuckle?

Super heroes often forget they’ve got their underwear on outside their pants, but they don’t usually forget the actual pants themselves. Which makes “The Unknown Soldier” really stand out:

I know in Australia they have a military uniform that involves shorts. I can understand that, because let’s face it, Australia is hot, folks. But I can’t think of a single country that dresses their soldiers in Speedos. Although if there is one, I bet it’s a banana republic, because then they could call their uniforms the banana hammocks.

Anyway, can you really blame this soldier for being unknown? He was probably all ready to stand proudly in front of the troops as the very model of a brave American WWII soldier, only to finally see the uniform in all its bare-legged, buttock-baring glory. Whereupon he immediately demanded a mask. And entry to the Witness Protection Program should he ever become Known.

(From “Our Flag Comics” number 3, 1941.)

I’m not sure this qualifies as a “Bad Super Costume”, but I think it does a nice job of illustrating some of the problems inherent in using spandex as a covering material, problems most artists just gloss over.

Oh, who am I kidding, the costume is fine but I just couldn’t resist posting this anyway for the sheer, unadulterated, nasty thrusting magnificence of the whole thing:

I think the flaps of the tunic fluttering back are a particularly nice touch, framing the … area of primary interest quite well. Why do I get the feeling that his battle cry is nothing more than a series of cackling grunts and heavy breathing?

Marvel has had some “interesting” costume models over the years, but had you told me they could combine the likes of the Shoney’s Big Boy:

With German lederhosen:

By way of a super-powered S&M fetish and a glowing, creepy, vaguely obscene mouth-hole in order to give us this:

I’d have said the only thing that’s a Living Monolith to is Bad Fashion. Youch!

(Image and character ©Marvel Comics.)

Jeff’s Super Hero Fashion Tip #32: If you don’t want to look like road kill, don’t wear helmets that make your head look like a steering wheel and a uniform with tire tread marks on it.

Example:

A lesser writer would say something like “If only his uniform were a mirage, ha ha!” but I would not stoop so low. But I would never take such a cheap joke, I prefer to keep it high-brow.

This guy looks like he should opening at the Mirage in Vegas, ha ha!

That’s me, Jeff Hebert, Classy Humorist.

(Image and character ©Marvel Comics.)

If ever an actual published comic book sounded like a truly bad “Champions” scenario, this is it:

Meanwhile the Beast’s lecture was interrupted by a super hero wannabe, the bumbling Frog Man. Angel and Iceman came to Beast’s side after the interruption and asked what Frog Man wanted. Frog Man told them he wasn’t there to cause any trouble but wanted to join the Defenders.

I can see the earnest, sweaty GM huddled behind his screen, eyes peering out anxiously as he describes that scenario to his players. He can tell they’re not really buying it — Frog Man? All these people just happen to show up at a lecture at the same time? Pull the other one! — so frantically he whips out his ace in the hole, the clincher he knows will bring his skeptical crew around to how awesome this campaign really is:

Hubert was excited to have his new powers and became the goofy menace known as the Walrus. He wanted to be the best mass destructionist in the world and started off by causing havoc at a Kwikkee Burger joint. His Uncle Humbert told the Walrus to head his way to Brooklyn University and destroy the world-famous Beast in combat. He wanted the Walrus to prove that he was the greatest product of modern science and the both of them would be famous.

With a trembling voice, he whips out the full color visual and announces “That’s right, gentlemen, your awesome foe leaps from the shadows and announces, ‘Beware the awesome menace of … The Walrus!’”

Cue gales of laughter.

I’m glad the artist included the completely random rainbow coloring on the chest “W”, as I don’t think the “special” helmet, socks-as-mitten-gloves, furry unitard, and webbed claw booties quite nail the concept on their own, especially given how wrongly named he is. Because if any big, hairy, “proud” character were going to grace the pages of the comics, let’s be honest — he’d be The Bear, not the Walrus. And if you don’t get that reference, good for you; stay sweet, kid.

(Image and character © Marvel Comics, Inc.)

For the first time in almost fifty years, Wonder Woman is getting a major makeover courtesy of J. Michael Straczynski:

And of course, it happens on Bad Costume Wednesday. Fate? I think so. Of the rationale behind the new costume, in aninterview with CBR’s Kiel Phegley, he explained:

Form follows function. She has to exist a great deal in an urban setting. So I wanted her to have an outfit that she can close up and pass more or less without notice, or open when she’s in a fight to reveal her full appearance. I wanted the outfit to express her own situation, in that she lives in two worlds, which is also in a way the trap in which she’s found herself.

I also wanted it functional. As so many female fans have said over the years, “How does she fight in that without all her parts popping out? Where does she keep stuff?” She can keep or shed the jacket, there are pockets, it’s tough and serious looking while still attractive. It’s a Wonder Woman designed for the 21st century. Not to get all “Project Runway” on this, but what woman wears the same outfit for 60 years without at least accessorizing?

They’re also retconning her origin, via the time-honored “Gods can do whatever the heck they want, including destroying and rewriting the timeline” hook. They’ve destroyed Paradise Island, leaving Diana the baby to be smuggled off the island and to gritty urban America to be raised. I suppose the Kents were busy.

I doubt I’ll be reading the book since so far I haven’t been able to find a comics shop here, but I’m not overwhelmed by this look. I immediately thought “Black Canary” when I saw it, or any one of a dozen X-Men or X-Factor female characters from the Nineties. It’s just kind of boring and Madonna-ish for me.

I also don’t really see Wonder Woman as a street-level, down-and-dirty, gritty urban fighter. She’s like Superman, someone who ought to be in the sky, duking it out with gods and aliens and giant monsters threatening whole cities, not drug pushers and gangbangers.

But hey, he’s JMS and he knows what he’s doing. Although, he did come up with the whole Spider-Man Mephisto concept allegedly, so …

Anyway, what do you think?

(Wonder Woman and image ©2010, DC Comics.)