Monthly Archives: March 2008

Another winner

Would you like your very own custom drawing by Jeff “Professional Illustrator” Hebert, only you don’t know how to get it? All you have to do is enter the “Create Your Own Caption Contest“, just like Dan did, who now has this illustration of one of his characters, “Miss Music”:

Miss Music

The description he gave me was:

If you’re up for it, you could do a picture of Tammi in her Miss Music costume. Nothing special – she dresses like a drum majorette with the short frilly skirt, cowgirl boots, that fancy top with ties from side to side, and the big furry hat with the feather sticking up.

I think it turned out pretty well, hopefully you all will like it too. And then you’ll get your butts over to Caption Contest 3 and enter yourself, so you can get your own drawing of whatever you like!

How do you like my new body?

To answer his question:

Bezial

I will now count the ways I like — no, make that love — his new body:

  1. Mange-ridden dreadlock ponytail flying the opposite way from his leap;
  2. Off-center tattoo (?) “X” on his face;
  3. Bizarre xylophone/washboard rock vest;
  4. Veins on the outside of his arms, which frankly doesn’t quite seem medically wise;
  5. Two words: Zeppelin cape;
  6. Vampire goth chick arms pasted into his armpits;
  7. Gigantic, rubber-band-bound thighs atop dainty ballerina feet;
  8. Ability to speak without opening lipless mouth;
  9. Three-lobed right kneecap;
  10. Black fishnet for one set of arms — apparently it wasn’t stretchy enough for the massive upper man-arms.

Yeah, I think that about covers it. I think I’ll use that line the next time I haul my disgusting body out to the local public pool and when the woman I’m speaking to recoils in horror, I’ll whip out this image and say, “Hey, it could be worse!”

(Image and characters ©1993, Marvel Comics, UK, Ltd., from “Battletide II”, No. 3.)

Caption Contest 3: Three heroes walk into a bar …

The winner of Caption Contest 2 was Dan Swanson!

Spitzer is a bird brain

And here is the comic book panel you’ll have to fill with witty repartee to get a shot at your very own custom drawing as well as all the glory that goes along with winning something on the Internet:

Three heroes walk into a bar …

Good luck! In your entry, please specify what person gets which line of dialog. For instance:

Green Lantern: I can’t believe how long that guy is taking in the bathroom, what’s the holdup?!
Six Pack 1: Why don’t you just whip up a green latrine, GL? And make it snappy, my pants are already halfway down, and I don’t know how much longer I can …
Six Pack 2: … ooops.

And as always, please try to follow the Sitcom Rule: Don’t write anything that wouldn’t pass a network censor. Yes, even the stupid ones.

The winning entry will receive a prize of one free custom black and white web illustration by yours truly, of pretty much whatever they want (within reason, so be reasonable Dan!). Here is the sketch I did for Hades, the winner of Caption Contest 1:

Hades

(Edited to rearrange the pictures and to remove the note about changing Dan’s entry, which I ended up changing back to the original.)

(Top image from “Coyote”, Vol. 1, No. 9, ©1984, Stephen Englehart.
Bottom image from “Hitman” #11, ©1997, DC Comics.)

Mashup 3: Ranker than baked sewage

This week’s “Random Monday Mashup”, featuring one panel only from each of ten randomly selected comic books, begins in a seedy London bar with a conversation between a bartender and a thrill-seeking young motorcycle salesman named Tommy:

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The sounds of wanking

As a special bonus OnomontoPOWia, I bring you the greatest sound effect panel of all time:

Captain America I command you to WANK

You may now stop reading super-hero comic books for all time, because no panel could ever be more awesome than this one. You have won the comics industry.

ETA: I didn’t post this on a Friday because it’s not one I discovered myself; it’s been highlighted on a number of sites for a long time. But as the commenter pointed out, “Captain America, I command you to WANK!” is in fact why I brought it here. It may be the greatest command ever given by a super-villain.

Ka-Ramba!

This is the 100th post on HeroMachine.com, and nothing can express my celebration like this onomontoPOWia:

Ka-Ramba

We’ve partied so hard, we’re bringing the building down with a mighty “Ka-Ramba!” Did I say ka-ramba? Aye, ka-ramba! Somewhere a Simpson is smiling, and I don’t mean OJ.

Thanks to everyone who’s taken part in the blog so far. I hope you’re all enjoying it, and please send a link to any friends who you think might get a kick out of bad super-hero costumes, creating an online application, making cool drawings, or other random bits of comic book fun.

Remix 1: Phobia

As I’ve browsed through the archives looking for bad super-hero costumes, I’ve come across a number of characters previously unknown to me whom I had accidentally duplicated in my role-playing past. It’s a bit jarring when it happens — you’re flipping through a comic and all of a sudden someone appears who you thought you’d invented ten years back. Only instead of a man it’s a woman, and instead of being a villain it’s a criminal, and their costume is just all wrong.

I thought I’d share a few of those, and going forward I might take a crack at re-imagining other established characters, sort of a HeroMachine “OtherWorlds” experiment. Here’s the first accidental homage.

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Cats, bats, and clones, oh my

OK, I know, he’s supposed to be a Batman rip-off, but seriously:

Cat-Man

Cat-Man? Were Flat-Man, Fat-Man, Gnat-Man, Spat-Man, Hat-Man, and Rat-Man all taken by some other comics company and thus unavailable? I suspect this guy stole a Golden Age Batman mask and dyed it orange, because those ears look awfully similar, but the logo — well now, the logo must be 100% his own creation. The big ol’ C with the smaller M in the middle (his initials, get it? get it?) are the real stroke of genius that make it clear that this guy is no ordinary knockoff! I can’t wait till the issue where we go to his secret lair, “The Litterbox”. Or would that be the “Cat House”? I guess not, since he’s based in New York and we all know how the government there frowns on that sort of thing.

(Image and character ©1985, DC Comics, Inc., “Who’s Who” volume 4.)

Caption Contest 2: Bird Brains

First, the winner of Contest Caption 1 was … Hades! There were a lot of really good entries, but for some reason this one made me actually laugh out loud. I know, I’m weird.

Steak n Shake

Hades, if you don’t get an email from me shortly, please get in touch so we can start on your drawing. Hopefully it’ll turn out well, and I’ll post it next Tuesday.

And now, here’s your challenge for the second contest, the winner of which will also receive a free black and white illustration:

Caption Contest 2

Like last time, please leave your entry in the comments below, with an indication of which dialog goes where. For instance:

Half-Brain Guy: You mindless twit!
Crow-Head Guy 1: ME, mindless!?
Crow-Head Guy 2: I think you should step over to this mirror, Gary …

I look forward to seeing what you all come up with this week, thanks for playing!

Mashup 2: Pompous, Preening Animals!

Each Monday I try to make a somewhat coherent story by taking one and only one panel from each of ten randomly-selected comic books. For this second edition, I’m going to introduce a couple of brief text transitions, hopefully that’s still within the spirit of the idea.

This week’s random bag of fun featured demons from the pit of Hell, a Native American super-hero adventurer, aliens from Venus, and a children’s book illustrator / freelance bounty hunter. Throw them all into a blender, mix with a couple of shots of Tequila, and you get the exciting adventures of an insane young man on the prowl for love in Sin City, Las Vegas!

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