A secret poorly kept

Despite being the Greatest Generation, the people of the 1940s were irredeemably stupid. At least, the ones in comic books were, because while Captain Marvel was the most popular super-hero in the world, no one ever suspected that he was also Billy Batson, an ace radio reporter and young boy despite scenes like this:

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Young Billy Batson is the only prisoner on a submarine, right behind two of the bad guys. Suddenly a blinding, booming stroke of lightning hits -- underwater, mind you -- and the World's Mightiest Mortal abruptly appears in young Billy's place.

And yet, no one figures out they are one and the same.

This room is, tops, ten feet by ten feet. After the flash there is no Billy Batson. Where did the young man go? Was he perchance whisked away with the speed of Mercury to another room, without opening the bulkhead or letting in water to the sealed submarine? Who cares, there's pie!

Billy had a bad habit of becoming Captain Marvel in situations where only a moron wouldn't notice they were the same guy. Perhaps the wisdom of Solomon let him know that pretty much everyone was a moron, because he did it a lot:

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He's upped the ante here by shouting his magic name and transforming in the same spot from one identity to another in a stroke of lightning right behind the police chief who is there to arrest him! They have got to wedge a "B" into his name somewhere for the "Balls of Ares", because that kid can flat out bring it.

Speaking of which, you might remember this gem from the other day:

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Billy has cunningly waited until he's being carried over the villain's shoulder to blast himself into his alter ego, because surely the criminal would never suspect that the boy who instants before was being toted along like a doughy mailbag is in any way related to the Big Red Cheese now weighing him down.

Secret identities have always been one of those things that make sense only if you don't think about them for more than two seconds, but at the beginning the abuses of the conceit were even more egregious than Clark Kent disappearing whenever Superman was around. They just out and out didn't give a crap back then -- Billy changed into Captain Marvel and people didn't notice and that's it, we're at war, buster, don't you go around questioning things!

It's a damn good thing the people populating comics weren't running the country, because we'd all be goose-stepping and riding around in ninja tanks about now if they were. Idiots.

(Images from "America's Greatest Comics", 1941-1942.)

Random Panel: How to answer philosophical questions, Batman style

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(Character and image © DC Comics, Inc.)

Friday Night Fights Finale!

Congratulations to our two finalists in the first HeroMachine Friday Night Fights Contest! Each of these gentlemen will receive a custom character illustration by yours truly, the winner's in color and the runner-up's in black and white. To have come this far means each of them created three great, winning characters in three different genres, which is no mean feat. Along the way they overcame some wonderfully illustrated opponents, and now at the last they meet head-to-head for the championship.

With no further ado, therefore, I give you your coincidentally Death-themed "Open" final round of this first iteration of Friday Night Fights:

Continue reading

Random Panel: Good advice from midget Nazis

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(From "America's Greatest Comics" number 1, 1941.)

Look away

You rarely get honesty in comic covers, which is what makes the look of horror on the face in this background so refreshing:

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I like how she's drawn inspiration from so many different sources for her ensemble. And by "drawn" I mean "stolen", and then "changed to make even worse".

For instance, she's somehow ripped off Captain Marvel's cape and slapped gigantic lapels onto it. I defy you to name one piece of clothing ever improved by adding lapels.

Michael Jackson had the idea for wearing only one, glittery, glove, and had Looker stopped there all might have been forgiven. But no. Not content with just swiping the concept, she took it up a notch by wearing just one boot. One pink boot. The other foot looks to be clad in nothing but a sock and a floppy powder-blue towel. Whatever else you want to say about the unfortunate Mr. Jackson, dude never went out in terry cloth.

At least Captain Marvel and Michael Jackson were well-dressed, A-List type guys. You can't blame an up and coming super-hero for borrowing inspiration from them, but frankly there's no excuse for raiding the D-List. And by D I mean Dazzler, who is going to be hard-pressed to keep her secret ID secret without her powder blue faux-eye-makeup mask. Even then, she's not going to be nearly as pissed as Sailor Moon will be upon discovering her hair bow is now bedecking the lone orange legging on this unpleasant tramp's jaunty hip.

Given this bizarre melange of magpie-like thievery and eye-bleeding color choices, you're hard pressed to pick out just one element as "the worst". Luckily Looker has thought of that, and helped us out by thoughtfully having gigantic white nipples sewn to her breasts. That kind of altruism will go far in your heroic career, Ms. Briggs.

Regardless, you have to admit this costume would certainly make you look. Granted, you'd be looking in horror, but you'd be looking. And as Paris Hilton has proven to our dismay, that's pretty much all it takes nowadays to be a "success".

Reader Kate was nice enough to send this suggestion in, and I thank her both for the idea and for summing up this travesty so perfectly: "It looks like an explosion in the Good'n'Plenty factory." I could've saved us all several hundred words by just pasting that sentence, but then that wouldn't really be in the "obnoxious excess" spirit of "Looker" -- or all of DC in the Eighties, for that matter -- now would it?

(Image and character ©1986, DC Comics, Inc. Many thanks again to reader Kate for the contribution!)

Random Panel: Shazam indeed

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(From "America's Best Comics" number 1, 1941.)

The Little Things

Hammerknight's put together an outstanding set of tips for this week about how important the "little things" are to making a really top-notch illustration. He's absolutely dead-on about this, folks. The whole point of creating a "fantastic" illustration is to draw the viewer's belief in to the point where they are convinced that you are depicting something real. Anything that jerks the viewer out of that created reality shatters the illusion. It's one of the (many) things that drives me nuts about Liefeld's art, they go through all this trouble to create these pulse-pounding worlds and at every turn, there's something so jarringly wrong you can't help but be drawn up short.

Anyway, hope you enjoy these as much as I did, they're quite excellent. Thanks HK! As always, just click on any image to see it in a much larger and more legible size.

Random Panel: Screw speed dating, go BULLET dating!

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(from "America's Best Comics" number 1, 1941.)

Character Contest 23 – Fables

The Greek Mythology contest went so well, I wanted to return to the idea of mining history once more. So your challenge for this week is to come up with the best character based on a fable. You might mine classic fables like those from Aesop (the Big Bad Wolf, Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Three Blind Mice, etc.) or Arabian fables like those from "1001 Arabian Nights" (Ali Baba and the Seven Thieves, Aladdin, Sinbad, etc.) or even American Folklore (Paul Bunyon and Babe the Big Blue Ox, Pecos Bill, John Henry, etc.).

And of course, the great comics series "Fables" is a pretty good resource, too.

The rules are the same as usual:

  1. No more than three submissions per person;
  2. All entries must be images saved to a publicly accessible web server (like ImageShack, the UGO forums, etc.);
  3. Submissions must be left as comments to this thread, containing a link to the image of the character(s).

The overall winner will receive either a portrait of themselves or any one item of their choosing for inclusion with HeroMachine 3. You've got one week, so good luck to everyone!

P.S. Don't forget, you can still vote in Round Three of Friday Night Fights, too!

P.P.S. Crap, I forgot to hit Publish! Sorry about the delay, folks. I'm an idiot.

Caption Contest 66 Winner!

Wow, there were some really funny entries for Caption Contest 66, thanks to everyone who took the time to make a submission! I think this is the longest Honorable Mention list I've ever had, but they were just that good.

Ultimately, of course, There Can Be Only One, and this week that One is first time winner Tim!

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It probably says more about my completely random and odd sense of humor than anything, but that makes me laugh every time. The ejection nozzle on that "gun" just screams "TOAST!" to me now whenever I see it. Plus I love the idea of that expression on that "woman" as she wades into battle, flinging lightly crisped bread products willy-nilly. It walks that fine line between head-scratching legitimate war-cry and completely inane blather that truly is the hallmark of the Image Nineties. Well done, Tim! He receives his choice of either his portrait or any item he likes to be included in the final HM3 version.

As I said, though, many other outstanding entries were submitted, so without further ado I present your Honorable Mentions for this week:

  • Blue Blazer: That’s for wiping snot on the side of my pool.
  • Gero: “It’s lucky this gun is so big, because I can’t see a damn thing!”
  • Dennis: “Does my butt look in this”
  • Danny Beaty: Keep your “Watchtower” and give Jehovah my regards!
  • haydnc95: ‘If you look real hard…You may notice I have a gun!’
  • nick: when life hands you ammo, buy a bigger gun.
  • Gene: “It IS the size of your gun that matters!!”
  • Aaron: Yes this is a gun…..and no I am not happy to see you.
  • Deadeas: “Hey! The frozen pizza’s done!”
  • Patrick: I have what kind of envy now?!
  • Loki: Now that’s what you call a bullet-bullet!
  • GreenBat: I’ll let these guns do the talking.
  • Jake: You should see my big gun.
  • D: That’s not a hairdryer! THIS…is a hairdryer!
  • Kountkill: “Who said you can’t weaponize an E-Z bake oven?”
  • PRiegel: “Good Lord! I DO have feet…and I shot one off!”

Thanks again to all who entered!