Category Archives: RPG Corner

You’re Going to Die V

If you’re just tuning in, our goal is to write our own Choose Your Own Adventure where every choice is twofold, with one leading to further adventure and the other to a gruesome death. Last week featured:

A. Continue honing your paper ball throwing skills.

As another wadded up paper ball bounces off the rim of the waste paper basket, you get the distinct feeling that someone is watching you. You shrug it off, however, and continue to crumple up your “important” meeting notes and show-off your skills to whomever is watching. Hopefully, it’s Angeline.

This time, the ball goes in! “Yes!” You shout while pumping your fist into the air, “200 points.”

“That’s the first one I’ve seen you sink,” Jimmy, the boss’s kid says.

Startled, you try to compose yourself. In your excitement, you had forgotten someone had been watching you. “Well,” you reply snarkily, “Maybe each basket is worth 200 points.”

“I’m telling my dad,” he retorts. Then runs off to your boss’s office.

Oh crap! This could ruin your day…well, more than your day. What if you got fired? What if you got fired! There’s always unemployment…

Do you…
A. Chase after Jimmy
or
B. Let Jimmy report you to his father?

We had five really fun entries, many thanks to Myro, Shookman, Gero, HerrD, and Renxin. I decided to go with The Shookman’s take, partly because I think it lends itself well to the supernatural twist I’m asking for. First, here’s how we would have died:

B – Let Jimmy report you to his father: So you were throwing some mildly important documents at a trash can to pass the time. Big deal, right? Screw that little devil spawn, you’re hungry again, and you would rather chase a burger with a soda than chase a brat with an attitude.

You sneak away to the kitchen, ready to eat something that will finally satisfy. You pop open the fridge. Sweet! Left over Chinese food! The note says, “PAUL’S. DO NOT EAT.” Ppphhhh, as if that ever stopped you any other time. Paul has a good taste in food, and if you don’t eat it, how are you going to make sure it doesn’t go to waste?

Following your half-assed logic, you start to chow down. You see Paul in the distance, who is clearly making his way towards you. Oh wow. He looks pissed. Well, no point in stopping now, right? You begin to shovel the food down as fast as possible, when you suddenly realize you’ve stopped breathing, which is odd, because Paul isn’t close enough to choke you yet. Panic sets in as you realize it’s the food, and the only person in the office certified to do CPR is… Paul.

He walks away, muttering how you deserve it, as you choke to death, alone, in the kitchen of the office. Just like your mom always said you would.

Your office adventure ends here.

Bummer! But goodness knows, I’ve wanted exactly that fate to befall a coworker before who helped himself to my lunch. And now, here’s the continuation of our adventure:

A – Chase after Jimmy: Oh, you’re going to tell daddy over my dead body! You spring into action, grabbing a handful of those cheap office pens, just in case you need to throw stuff at him. You begin to notice your age as you pant towards the brat, but you’ll be damned if that stops you! You whip a pen at him, missing completely (unless you were actually aiming at Sue with the lazy eye from accounting, but you know you weren’t).

He looks back to see if that was you, makes an obscene gesture, and picks up the pace. If you don’t do something soon, you’ll have to listen to your boss lecture you for 15 minutes about conducting yourself in the office! 15 friggin minutes!!! You take every pen in hand, and throw them with all your might. Nailed him!

He turns around again, probably to make some stupid remark, when he runs right past his dad’s office, and down a stairwell. You hear him make a large amount of shrieks and shrills, as any annoying child is prone to do when they’re making a big deal out of some broken bones. Oh wait, this is bad! Now he’s going to tell his dad you made him fall! Unless he broke his mouth. Can you break a mouth? You’re not sure, but you bet that kid just found out.

Do you:
A – Check on the poor boy with the possibly broken mouth?
B – Beat him to his dad, and make up a story about him screwing around?

Now it’s your turn, but with a twist: I want something “fantastical” to happen this week. You can introduce magic or spaceships or zombies or talking rabbits, but something not of this normal reality should appear in both your choices. With that in mind, write up the results of Choice A (“Check on the poor boy with the possibly broken mouth”) and Choice B (“Beat him to his dad, and make up a story about him screwing around?”), with one ending in death and the other presenting us with two options from which to choose.

I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

You’re Going to Die IV

If you’re just tuning in, our goal is to write our own Choose Your Own Adventure where every choice is twofold, with one leading to further adventure and the other to a gruesome death. Last week featured:

B: Shrug and continue eating:

Meh. Whoever this guy was, he didn’t have a great taste in tattoos, but he did have a GREAT TASTE. You finish the bag off, and lick you fingers. You scrumple up the Jack’s Links packet into a ball, and proceed to throw it into the waste paper bin on the other side of the office. It runs along the ridge of the paper bin twice before finally falling in. Hey, this is great! You think you’ve just invented the latest sport: waste paper golf. You’re surprised nobody has ever done this before. God, you’re an absolute genius. You’re about to scrumple all of your important legal documents into balls to continue your newfound sport, when Angeline walks into the room and sits in her cubicle. You know Angeline is like, really into you, because she was totally checking you out at the last Christmas shindig. Well, either you, or the tall, handsome guy standing next to you. Nah, it was definitely you.

You’re now conflicted. Do you:

A: Continue honing your paper ball throwing skills.

OR

B: Walk over to Angeline, and give her your best pick up line.

All five entries were very fun, and I encourage you to go take a look when you get the chance. But the official continuance comes to us by BenK22! But first, here’s what would have happened had we gone with trying to give Angeline a pick up line:

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You’re Going to Die III


This is one of my favorite things we have ever done on this blog. I love these stories and the tales of death in each and every option.

If you’re just tuning in, our goal is to write our own Choose Your Own Adventure where every choice is twofold, with one leading to further adventure and the other to a gruesome death. Last week featured:

It’s another boring day at your stupid office. You spent most of the morning catching up on all the Internet you missed while sleeping and now you’re behind. Your stomach is growling because the banana you bought had a weird brown lump on it. You know you should get back to work, but you also know that you’re hungry and don’t care about your job at all.
What do you do?

  • SEARCH FOR FOOD in the drawer that you haven’t used since you started here 2 years ago.
  • CHECK EMAIL to see if your boss sent any super-long emails you can read to pass the time.

We chose:

SEARCH FOR FOOD in the drawer that you haven’t used since you started here 2 years ago.
You open your desk drawer and, underneath a stack of sexual harassment zero-toleration handbooks and porn magazines, find a bag of beef jerky. The brand name is “Jack’s Links” …which doesn’t sound quite right, buy hey, beggars can’t be choosers and you need something to lay down on top of that scary-looking banana you ate earlier. You rip open the bag and dig in. Hey, this stuff isn’t half bad! Kind of an odd color for beef jerky, but it’s really quite delicious. You get through about two thirds of the bag when you pull out a piece that’s got a tattoo of a heart and anchor on it.


Do you:

A. Scream and run away in horror, or

B. Shrug and continue eating.

All of the entries were great, you should do yourself a favor and read through them if you haven’t already. But I’m going with borntobealoser’s suggestion, so here’s what would happen with each of the choices:

A: Scream and run away in horror:

“OH LAWD!” you scream, as your body bolts upright, and pieces of Jack’s Links fly in every direction. Before anybody can even ask you what’s wrong, you’re running around like a headless chicken. Just ahead of you is Jimmy, the boss’ annoying little brat. In your panic you randomly remember that it’s “bring your son to work day” here at the office. You decide that this piece of information isn’t very useful to you at a time like this, and continue your mad dash. Unfortunately, nobody told Jimmy that it wasn’t “bring your skateboard to work day”, and you end up putting your foot onto Jimmy’s discarded skateboard. Down the flight of stairs you fly, grinding down the hand railing. If you didn’t still have the taste of human in your mouth, this would be pretty cool. You end up in the main entrance to the building, and due to lack of control, you burst through the front doors. Out on the street, construction workers are laying down cement. “Huh, roadworks. I wish the boss had warned me, I’ve just had my car detailed.” you think to yourself as you continue speeding on Jimmy’s skateboard. Unable to stop, you speed past the barriers the workers have erected, and skid into the quick drying cement, and instantly become encased in rock. From the floor above, you can see that Jimmy has been filming the whole thing. It gets hard to breath, and in your dying breath, you sincerely hope he uploads the footage to Youtube. Your life, and adventure, end here.

B: Shrug and continue eating:

Meh. Whoever this guy was, he didn’t have a great taste in tattoos, but he did have a GREAT TASTE. You finish the bag off, and lick you fingers. You scrumple up the Jack’s Links packet into a ball, and proceed to throw it into the waste paper bin on the other side of the office. It runs along the ridge of the paper bin twice before finally falling in. Hey, this is great! You think you’ve just invented the latest sport: waste paper golf. You’re surprised nobody has ever done this before. God, you’re an absolute genius. You’re about to scrumple all of your important legal documents into balls to continue your newfound sport, when Angeline walks into the room and sits in her cubicle. You know Angeline is like, really into you, because she was totally checking you out at the last Christmas shindig. Well, either you, or the tall, handsome guy standing next to you. Nah, it was definitely you.

You’re now conflicted. Do you:

A: Continue honing your paper ball throwing skills.

OR

B: Walk over to Angeline, and give her your best pick up line.

Now it’s your turn! Write up the results of Choice A (paper ball throwing skills) and Choice B (try your pickup line on Angeline), with one ending in death and the other presenting us with two options from which to choose. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

You’re Going to Die II


Our self-written Choose Your Own Adventure, “You’re Going to Die”, advances through the perils of everyday life, my friends! Here’s what happend on our initial installment:

It’s another boring day at your stupid office. You spent most of the morning catching up on all the Internet you missed while sleeping and now you’re behind. Your stomach is growling because the banana you bought had a weird brown lump on it. You know you should get back to work, but you also know that you’re hungry and don’t care about your job at all.
What do you do?

  • SEARCH FOR FOOD in the drawer that you haven’t used since you started here 2 years ago.
  • CHECK EMAIL to see if your boss sent any super-long emails you can read to pass the time.

You were then challenged to come up with the results of each of those two actions. One had to end in death, and the other in something that would continue the adventure with two additional choices. All of the entries were fantastic, truly. I had a super hard time deciding which to go with, but ultimately I thought Imp had the best combination of writing, the “CYOA Spirit”, humor, and possibility for continuing adventure. So here’s what happened:

CHECK EMAIL to see if your boss sent any super-long emails you can read to pass the time.
At the top of your email list is the following missive:
“Due to repaving of the street bordering the company parking lot, all employees must make alternative parking arrangements this week. Park in the lot at your own risk – damages to vehicles may occur.” Holy crap! You just got your car detailed last weekend! You rush out to the parking lot and see a bunch of guys with jackhammers tearing up the street. Pebbles and rocks are flying all over the place, including into the parking lot. And your car will be right in the line of fire in seconds! You begin to run to your vehicle and are promptly run over and killed instantly by your boss, who’s moving her own car. Your office adventure is, sadly, over.

SEARCH FOR FOOD in the drawer that you haven’t used since you started here 2 years ago.
You open your desk drawer and, underneath a stack of sexual harassment zero-toleration handbooks and porn magazines, find a bag of beef jerky. The brand name is “Jack’s Links” …which doesn’t sound quite right, buy hey, beggars can’t be choosers and you need something to lay down on top of that scary-looking banana you ate earlier. You rip open the bag and dig in. Hey, this stuff isn’t half bad! Kind of an odd color for beef jerky, but it’s really quite delicious. You get through about two thirds of the bag when you pull out a piece that’s got a tattoo of a heart and anchor on it.


Do you:

A. Scream and run away in horror, or

B. Shrug and continue eating.

So here’s how it works, folks. In the comments below, write up each of the possible results. One (your choice) should end in death, while the other should produce a continuation with two possible choices at the end of it.

Have fun!

Wherein we all die, every week


I’m not feeling our last Choose Your Own Adventure outing, I don’t know why. Maybe after the glory of a stuffed bunny zombie apocalypse and a cool super-hero outing, I just need a break. So that’s what we’re going to do!

I’ve long wanted to do something writing-related here, and now we will. I’ll write up the start of an adventure. You write what happens next. I’ll pick the one I like best, and next week we’ll repeat — I’ll post my beginning, the next installment, and we’ll go again.

We’ve done something sort of similar before, but it petered out. My theory is that it was partly because of a voting component, so now I’m going all Kim Jong-il and just running the show. Ha!

So here goes (taken from College Humor, but we’ll end up in a place totally different, I’m sure):

It’s another boring day at your stupid office. You spent most of the morning catching up on all the Internet you missed while sleeping and now you’re behind. Your stomach is growling because the banana you bought had a weird brown lump on it. You know you should get back to work, but you also know that you’re hungry and don’t care about your job at all.
What do you do?

  • SEARCH FOR FOOD in the drawer that you haven’t used since you started here 2 years ago.
  • CHECK EMAIL to see if your boss sent any super-long emails you can read to pass the time.

Your job now is to write up the results of both of those actions in the comments below, one of which results in our death and the other which continues the adventure and presents us with two choices for going on. For instance, the College Humor folks have this as the result of “Search for food”, which would be the “continue” installment:

You open the mysterious drawer and are greeted with a cornucopia of disappointment!
What do you eat?

  • A BUNCH OF THUMBTACKS that definitely aren’t food and shouldn’t be treated as such.
  • ADDERALL PILLS that you bought off a high school kid who said his name was “Wolfgod.”

And this might be the deadly result of the other choice:

You pop open Outlook and sure enough, Dear Leader has sent out a company-wide message. “FORWARD THIS OR RISK DEATH!” it’s headlined, and recounts a storied history of people who sent it along to their friends and families to find prosperity, and those who didn’t who are now dead. Hogwash! Wasting time is great, but chain letters are a tool of Satan. You sneeringly hit “Delete”, upon which a short circuit in the keyboard fries your white-collared head to a cinder. Your office adventure is over.”

Next week I’ll go through all the comments and pick two — one I like best that continues the adventure and one that results in our untimely death. You can go for humorous, serious, or nonsensical. You can introduce vampires or super heroes or aliens or your mom. Knock yourself out, but keep them clean (PG-13 at most).

To recap, your job now is to write up the results of both choices in the opening paragraph above, one of which ends in death and the other of which continues the adventure by offering up two more choices.

Have fun!

A new adventure!

We bid a fond farewell to the stuffed-bunny-zombie and super-hero hijinks of the last few sessions, and embark today on a brand new adventure. This time, we’re going … ABOVE THE WAVES!

Above The Waves by Zachary Carango

Terror of the Skies
Even after decades, the dreaded pirate known only as Kurtz still terrorizes travelers on the southern sea. An unknown for most of his life, Kurtz exploded onto the scene when he turned to a life of murder. Using a modified military-grade aircraft, Kurtz has robbed and killed thousands. Though pirates have always been common, Kurtz’s daring and brutality sets him apart from the multitude. Unlike other bandits, who rely on sheer force of numbers, Kurtz flies only with a small band of devoted followers. Thanks to this limited membership, along with the fact that he only attacks at night, Kurtz has evaded capture. The world has chugged along despite his efforts, but Kurtz remains a very real threat. The blood he’s spilt could stain the very ocean, and more lives are claimed every month. Even as his death toll rises, many search for Kurtz. Whether for bounty, justice, or fame, these brave souls search for a true demon.

Your Background is your history up to the start of the adventure. Select one of the three choices below:

The Debtor – You have never shied from a challenge nor let an opportunity slip by. As a result of your drive, you have taken loans from some less than reputable characters. If you could only make one big score, those debts would disappear.

The Vendetta – Your pride has earned you some powerful enemies. Maybe once you have earned the respect of the world these grudges will be forgiven.

The Wanderer – You have drifted for most of your life. Only travel can soothe your restless heart. The world may be your oyster, but at the moment you haven’t a penny to your name.

Quick, simple, easy, just the way I was in high school. What could be better?!

The Final Thrusts

When last we left our alien-suited Cosmic Guardian, we were deciding whether to give our suit to Dale the Purple Mucus or to try and take out the planet-destroying Second Tower in Space ourselves. By a narrow three vote margin (!), we opted for the latter. And thus:

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Chip on our shoulder or Dale in our pants?

When last we left our Thrust of Justice (that sounds awful), we were deciding whether to follow Dale’s plan on attacking the super cockroach duplicate guy or not. We opted to go with it, and thus:

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Warehouse? There! There house!

When last we left our Cosmic Guardian, we were considering which of two targets to take, a warehouse with five life forms or a yacht in the harbor with just one. Feeling muy macho, we opted for the warehouse, hoping it’s five henchmen and not the Legion of Doom.

So, yeah, about that …

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Twenty five or Six Two Four. Or One. Five. Whatever.

The HeroMachine Justice Crusader and Teetotaler Society has chosen to forego the allure of the bottle and a hearty party with our slime-covered super buddy in favor of trying to actually fight crime. It’s an outrage! Or entirely appropriate, I can’t decide which.

Regardless, off we go into the wild blue yonder! If this was the mid-Eighties at Marvel we might be going into the wild Beyonder instead, which isn’t nearly as much fun. Unless you’re Spider-Man and come out of it with new duds.

Is it just me or am I particularly random today?

Ah yes, how well we all know the seductive allure of the temptation to fight evil. Can you blame us for giving in to that sweet, violence-filled calling? Sure you can! This is a blame-first society, get real, people.

Our choice is to take on a warehouse full of five foes or a just one. Now, profiling is wrong, but let’s do it anyway, because who’s going to stop us when we’re carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on our backs, and I don’t mean Dale the Drunken Slime Reporter. You might be tempted to think “Let’s start out slow and go for the singular guy”. I know you might be tempted to think that because it’s right there in the text of the poll. The only way you would NOT be tempted to think that is if you cannot read, in which case explain how you know what these words say! HA, busted, fake illiterate!

Where was I? Oh yes, the problem with thinking the singular target would be easier is that Godzilla also works alone. As does Galactus, Fin Fang Foom, Mr. Megapixel (the extra-dimensional Superman foe who magically causes chaos with his digital SLR camera), and a bevy of other high-powered, butt-kicking foes.

On the other hand, a group of bad guys in super hero comics are usually thugs. And since they’re in a warehouse in New York, odds are good they’re with the Mob, so they might actually offer better target practice. Nothing like beating up on henchmen to get the blood flowing.

Of course they could be Teamsters instead, in which case we’d be in for a whoopin’, alien super suit or no.

So what’ll it be, folks, safety (or death) in numbers, or a mano-a-mano … well, technically a duo mano-a-singular-mono … when did we start talking about mono? I didn’t kiss anyone, did you?! Look, just make a choice already, and tell us why in the comments!

(All text is ©2012 by Matt Youngmark and Chooseomatic Books from the excellent “Thrusts of Justice”, which you should totally go buy your own copy of since we’re only scratching the surface of the hilarity enshrined in these pages).