Monthly Archives: July 2008

Contest 14 Prize: Fortress

Jester and I completed his prize for winning Caption Contest 14! Here is the description he sent me:

He's about ten feet tall, and has a slightly broader chest and shoulders than the Heromachine image. The helmet he's wearing was surprisingly close to my initial vision of him, but it would be nice if you could shave off that... tower-looking thing on the top, remove the spikes and shorten the "tusks" coming off of his cheeks. Also, I'd like to change the spikes on the shoulderpads into studs, and get rid of the chain connecting them.

I'd like the insignia tweaked abit if possible; it would be really neat if you could make it look like the design was etched into his chestplate, rather than having a picture of a castle on his chest.

His right gauntlet is a little tricky... His giant ball-and-chain mace-thing is actually attached to it, and it contains a forearm-mounted mechanism that can "reel" the chain back in if his whirls the chain or tosses the ball. So his right gauntlet should be kind of bulky and mechanical, if you can kind of picture what I'm trying to describe.

As for his pose... It would be neat if he was sort of sideways to the veiwer, his shoulder thrown back as if he was going to swing foward and stab someone with the giant spikes on his sheild (which, coincidentally, is strapped on to his armored left arm). The "mace's" chain should kind of be dangling and twirling, as if he had just released the mechanism in his gauntlet, allowing the chain to drop. He should aslo be gripping a length of the chain, to keep the mace from hitting the floor. Her sould be glaring at the veiwer, his eyes (which are dark; ignore the white-eye look in the HM image) barely visible beyond the eye-holes in his helmet.

And here's the HeroMachine character he created as a guide:

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Finally, after the jump is the illustration we settled on as his prize.

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Random Panel: Wait, burgers don't have olives, so what's that on her head … ?

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Too much is worse than not enough

Good onomontoPOWia should be like a strong spice in a main course -- present, but not overpowering, punchy without being dominating. In other words, the complete opposite of this panel from "Silver Star":

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On one hand, you definitely get the sense of an overwhelming amount of noise, which may be what the team was going for. But it just ends up looking like visual word salad, conveying little impact at the expense of way too much real estate.

Random Panel: Maybe it's a Confederate female vampire Hitler

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Watchmen Trailer

The latest trailer for "Watchmen: The Movie" is up and it looks pretty awesome. I'm still dubious they can pull off a project this dense in a two-hour movie, but I'm more excited now that I've seen this.

Top Ten Super-Hero Movies

On the heels of the first half of this summer's remarkable super-hero movie spree, and in anticipation of seeing "Dark Knight" and "Hell Boy 2", I wanted to put my thoughts in order (literally) about what I consider my personal top ten super-hero films of all time. So without further ado, here goes:

  1. Iron Man: This is the only super-hero movie I can think of that I like better than any comic book issue featuring the character.
  2. Batman Begins: The definitive Batman film, dark, dangerous, engrossing, cool, and fun all rolled up into one.
  3. The Incredibles: Often overlooked because it wasn't a comic book first, but this is a great, great genre film, with characters you really care about, special effects that are completely cool, and a perfect mix of humor and action.
  4. Spider-Man 2: I like Doc Ock as a villain in this movie, and although it didn't have as hot a moment as that upside-down kiss from Spider-Man 1, the action sequences and overall story line more than make up for it.
  5. Superman, The Movie: Would've ranked higher if not for that horrible song in the middle when he's flying with Lois Lane.
  6. X2: X-Men United: I like sequels better because you don't waste a lot of time having to lay down background, and this movie fills that added breathing room with fantastic action and super-hero goodness. The opening sequence with Nightcrawler bamf-ing around the White House is awesome. Plus, Halle Barry finally gave up on the accent, which was a blessed relief.
  7. The Rocketeer: Two words: Jennifer Connelly. She couldn't save Hulk, but she was younger and hotter here. Plus I thought the whole "pulp" genre needed representation on the list.
  8. Mystery Men: The best super-hero comedy, hands down. Of course there are only, what, three names on the entire list of "super-hero comedies", but still.
  9. Superman II: Right up there with "Wrath of Khan" on the "Great Sequels" list, I love the sheer ass-kickery of this film. I'd have ranked this higher if it hadn't been for Superman giving up his powers for Margo freaking Kidder.
  10. Batman: A bit dated (like the Superman movies), but I feel it deserves a spot both because Michael Keaton was so surprisingly convincing as Batman, and because it's just good fun. It definitely loses points for age and for the obligatory "hero reveals secret identity to hot babe" scene, but I think you can honestly say if it weren't for "Batman", few of the other super-hero movies would have gotten made.

I'd love to hear your top ten in comments, or what you think of this list -- additions, deletions, oversights, outrages, etc. And I hope I'll have to clear out two of them to make room for "Dark Knight" and "Hell Boy 2"!

Random Panel: Offered without comment

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(Hat tip to "The Vault of Buncheness".)

Super Bimbos vs. Giant Intergalactic Space Sperm

If the concept of a "Shane and Sia The Barbi Twins 16-Month Swimsuit Comic Art Calendar" doesn't strike you as a terrible idea, then perhaps the installment for "March, 1996" will change your mind:

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I feel this qualifies as a "Bad super costume" because a) it's a "comic art" calendar, b) the artist, Peter Hsu, worked in the comics industry (granted, on "The Barbi Twins Adventures", but still), and c) they are being attacked by a Giant Intergalactic Space Sperm, which could only happen in either a comic book or a bad John Holmes movie.

Also, one of the twins (I can't tell if it's Shane or Sia, as if that really matters) is making a "Spider-Man Webslinging" hand, which clearly is a comic book reference. I don't specifically recall Spidey facing off against a Giant Intergalactic Space Sperm, but he did fight Galactus once or twice. I leave the rest to your imagination.

Having established that this image is a bona fide target for comic book investigation, I have to ask the following questions:

  1. If you feel confident your day will involve flying out of the atmosphere to battle Giant Intergalactic Space Sperm, why would you wear a bikini?
  2. Nine inch spike heels: fashion accessory of potential weapon?
  3. What the heck is that in the lower twin's hair? A mind-amplifying tiara (right, like there's a mind to amplify!)? Insanely oversized bunchie? Levering device to dig out the atomic wedgie that bikini bottom is giving her?
  4. What in the name of all that's holy is that bottom twin doing with her left hand there, and how will pulling something out from between her sister's leg help defend Earth against marauding Giant Intergalactic Space Sperm?

OK, I lied, I don't really want to know the answer to that last question.

Random Panel: Note to self, avoid the "Amazon Baked Beans" …

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Caption Contest 20: Pulp Edition

This week's Caption Contest is co-sponsored by "The EvilDM" (warning: some content not quite safe for work), Jeff Mejia, creator of the fantastic sword & sorcery / movie pulp adventure RPG system "Legends of Steel". He selected the following Conan panel as our jumping-off point this week. So after you come up with the funniest caption for it, thereby winning your own custom black and white illustration of whatever you like, head on over to Jeff's place and check out his great gaming commentary.

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As always, here's how the contest works. Put your best funny caption that would fill the word balloon in the comments below, up to a maximum of three entries. Keep it relatively clean (i.e. suitable for a prime-time broadcast TV sitcom, only funnier). And that's about it! Here's an example:

Maybe next time I'll just fill out the comment card, but that meal really sucked ...

Good luck everyone, make the Two Jeffs (and Robert E. Howard!) proud.