One shoe two shoe three shoe four

I’ve made this point before, but it bears repeating:

You can’t wear two pairs of shoes at the same time!

You would think such a fundamental rule of fashion (not to mention physics … or is it geometry? topography?) would be pretty easy to keep in mind, but you’d be wrong. The latest violation of this sacred trust I’ve come across is from Mike Grell’s “Shaman’s Tears”, and I think I can see why he’s crying:

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I’m going to overlook the leather open-chest vest and attached feathered g-string because — no, wait, there’s no way I can ignore that. He’s wearing a feathered leather g-string, people! Can you imagine him showing up at the local JLA recruiting drive?

Feather g-string guy: Hi, I’m here to apply!
Batman: Uh, I think maybe you’re looking for the “Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter” auditions in Ballroom G …

But that bit of exotic bondage play isn’t what brings me here today, my friends, oh no. I am instead here to bring attention to the footwear abomination the Shaman and his tears are sporting. Your eyes are not deceiving you, he’s actually wearing leather thigh boots — cinched at the knee, mind you — underneath white moccasins. First of all, you don’t wear white shoes until after Great Stag Hunt Day in the Sioux culture, but even more critically, you only ever wear one pair of freaking shoes at a time!

I love me some Mike Grell, don’t get me wrong, but this outfit makes me feel violated in about six different ways. Unless he’s standing on a flower-decked float blowing kisses to other dudes during some sort of Pride Parade, no one should ever wear this costume.

Mini tops

I’ve been working on the first batch of “Tops” for the Warrior Mini. Let me know what you think, other ones you want to see, etc. etc. Note that “camo” will be one of the “patterns” you can apply to anything. That won’t be totally satisfactory, as you won’t be able to color the camo pattern itself, but hopefully it’ll work out. If not I’ll add some variations of these that have integrated camo with color areas.

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Random Panel: When mixed metaphors go bad

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Multiple Mini headgears

I wanted to show briefly the kind of thing you’ll be able to do with multiple items in the same slot in the upcoming Warrior Mini (and eventually HM3):

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What you see are four separate Headgear items stacked and moved on top of each other. The tank-goggles on the helmet are separate from the WWII helmet are separate from the cool modern shades are separate from the mouth mask. I think this is going to make some really awesome effects possible. I was up late last night thinking of all the possibilities once you bring various Insignia into the mix, too — imagine building your own custom logo from basic shapes layered and sized, with pre-drawn icons to go with them. Or you could take a simple triangle logo shape and mask it to the helmet, to get a chevron effect on the headgear.

The more items I add to this thing in more slots the more excited I get to really explore the possibilities.

Caption Contest 33: That's one magical weenie

I happily present to you your challenge for this week’s Caption Contest. Come up with the best or funniest replacement dialog for this comic book panel and you’ll win your very own custom black and white illustration of whatever you like (within reason):

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The rules as always are simple: Keep it relatively clean (i.e. fit for braodcast television); no more than three entries per person; and all entries must go in the comments to this post.

Good luck everyone!

Caption Contest 32 Winner

For the first time in the history of the Caption Contest, we have a back-to-back winner, as Caption Contest 32 goes once again to Whit!

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I still haven’t gotten him his first prize illustration, so I guess I might as well be in to him for two of them! Congratulations to Whit and everyone else who entered. The honorable mentions were:

  • Yusuf Mumtaz: Long story short, this is what happens when you mix booze and super glue…
  • Fishpants: Let’s see ya track me on radar this year, NORAD!
  • Will: Well, I know a couple of drinking buddies who are going straight to the naughty list!

Keep an eye out for Caption Contest 33 and your chance to win your very own custom black and white illustration of whatever you like, every Tuesday at HeroMachine.com!

Random Panel: A review of Madonna's career

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Mini headgear preview

Today I finished putting all of the hand-held items in (23 if you’re keeping track at home), along with a couple of new hands (a front view of a clenched fist for holding staffs and such and one other one I can’t recall). Once that was done I moved on to Headgear. I’m doing these by drawing them all in one big file before converting them into program items, which makes it easier to produce previews of the items. Like this:

headgear-preview1.png

Let me know what you like, what you don’t, and what’s missing. One thing I’m looking forward to doing is combining these, so you could have the SWAT type mask with an army helmet on top, and cool sunglasses to finish it off. Should be fun.

Retroview: Great C-C-C-Caesar's S-S-Stutter!

There were three “Silver Age Classics” in last week’s Random Comic Stack, and reading back through the old issues was a real treat. Besides all the stuff I already knew, I was surprised to discover that everyone in the Fifties and Sixties stuttered. Everyone. It was always from an excess of emotion, and not even Superman was immune to it. Frankly, I blame Watergate, “Three’s Company”, and hippies (in that order) for desensitizing us to the point that no one gets stuttering-inducing fits of emotion in comics any more, which is a real shame when you get right down to it. You have to go to soap operas nowadays to get that level of real feeling, but I have high hopes that Frank Miller will soon have the Caped Crusader go all retro and say “I’m the G-G-Goddam B-B-Batman!”

Anyway, to prove the point, here are a few of the panels from just one of the super stuttering stories in the “Action Comics 252” reprint. This all takes place in the span of a mere eleven pages, people, and I am not even including all of the examples — there’s more. LOTS more. Know f-f-fear.

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action-comics-252-stutter3.jpgaction-comics-252-stutter4.jpg
action-comics-252-stutter5.jpgaction-comics-252-stutter6.jpg
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(The actual onomontoPOWia is supposed to just be RR, but of course the avalanche stutters.)

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I think that last one is my favorite. Either Clark’s an idiot and thinks the natural assumption when someone resists your grip is “That guy must be Superman!”, or Metallo is literally crushing everyone’s hand to pulp.

Besides the overwrought emotions, what really jumps out at me upon reading this issue is what a douche Superman is. Really. He flies in to find Metallo dead because he used fake Kryptonite — conveniently provided by Clark himself — to power his metal heart. And Superman’s only thought is “He brought it on himself” before proceeding to make two tasteless puns about the deceased. This sort of thing has been well documented elsewhere, so I won’t go on, but really, the Golden Age Superman was kind of a jerk.

The other main feature of these early books is just how implausible and slipshod the plotting is. Nothing really makes much sense if you think about it for more than two seconds, and there’s always some weird coincidence that diverts Superman just in time for the criminal to escape. I also love the cavalier way everyone treats uranium, the other power source for Metallo. It sits around in cans on shelves, the Professor who builds the artificial body just happens to have some laying around the lab, etc. etc. I am surprised no one glows in Metropolis.

Make that “I-I’m s-surprised that n-no one g-g-glows in Metroplis.” I wouldn’t want to not fit in, after all.

Random Panel: Daddy's grinding

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(Hat tip to Josh over at the Comics Curmudgeon, which you really ought to read all the time, it’s awesome.)