Hitting him would be a mercy

My latest theory is that Wonder Man’s costume is so bad, it infects the costumes of all the people around him too. We saw it with the West Coast Avengers, and we see it again in this dubiously-named villain called “Hit Maker”:

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This guy looks like Sinestro and Colossus somehow got busy and had a bizarre hip-hop bastard child with poor fashion sense. And believe me, this is one DC-Marvel crossover that should have died aborning in the editorial offices, because it’s one of the worst outfits I’ve ever seen. From the big gold bling ring bar on his right hand to the inexplicable armor that only covers the arms and legs (corporate motto: “Why cover the vitals when you can save a limb!”), it’s all just wrong wrong wrong.

And then there are the reverse-C clamp things on his thighs. I am trying really hard to imagine a more useless accoutrement, but am coming up blank. What’s the point of armor that only covers a four inch high strip on the back of your thighs, leaving the front open? I mean sure, if it were festooned with pouches or something I could see it, but as is, it’s just bizarre.

The worst part of the whole thing, though, is the giant metal yellow “H” and “M” shoulder pads. Seriously, what the heck were they thinking with this? Did he see Wonder Man’s giant W and M costume and think “I have GOT to have that”? Does he have some sort of memory problem and constantly forgets his name, needing the mnemonic trick of his initials constantly on his body to remind him?

I bet Beast is glowering like that because the artist in charge wanted to continue the “Initials On Their Bodies” motif by shaving a ginormous “B” in his chest fur. Sadly, even that would be a better look than this orange-skinned no-long-term-memory MC Hammer wannabe sports. “Hit Maker” and his costume are definitely one hit that should never have been made.

(Characters and image copyright Marvel Comics, Inc.)

HM3: Yet more polearmage

Mark has updated the ItemRightPolearms set with another group of items (including some favorites from 2.5) and a few tweaks to existing ones. Check it out when you get a chance, and thanks once again to Mark!

Random Panel: Great moments in boring comics

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(From “Bulletman” number 1, 1941.)

Character Contest 18: Duos

The history of comics is replete with duos, two characters linked by name and concept as a single unit, like Hawk and Dove:

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(Characters and image ©DC Comics, Inc.)

Or Cloak and Dagger:

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(Characters and image ©Marvel Entertainment Group.)

That’s your challenge for this week: Come up with two characters who are tied together through their names, like the examples above. You can use any pairing you like, and it’s certainly possible (and permissible) for multiple people to use the same pairing of words (War and Peace, I imagine, will be popular for instance). The usual contest rules apply with an extra one at the end:

  • You have one week, starting today and ending next Tuesday.
  • All entries must be left as links to an image or images in the comments to this post, and all images must be 100% HeroMachine-generated (any version).
  • No more than three total entries (pairings in this case) per person.

The winner will get to choose either any item he or she wants, or their caricature, put into HeroMachine 3 for all to see and love.

Good luck everyone, I look forward to seeing what you come up with!

If you don’t know how to do a screen capture, and for some reason are not happy with or can’t use the “Save as JPG/PNG” button in HeroMachine 3, Hammerknight put together a how-to for you.

Caption Contest 62 Winner!

I am happy to give you the winning entry for Caption Contest 62 via the one and only Frankie!

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I liked how the phrase matched up with Superman’s happy expression, and the thought it provoked over whether the red tighties ARE his underwear, and if so, why they’re not clean, and how. Because, eeewww.

There were other great entries, though, including our esteemed Honorable Mentions!

  • Gero: If a train leaves Boston going 135mph and another leaves Bangor going…oh SCREW IT!!
  • Tim: Test of strength in 3…2…1
  • TopHat: “What are these train tracks doing out he- Oh crap”
  • Anarchangel: “Open wide. Here comes the choo choo train. Nom nom nom.”
  • Lawrence: Hmmm, are these bear tracks or deer tracks? Uh oh!
  • Nancy: “I think you can, I think you can…”
  • Bixlord: Six Flags can suck it, this is a way better Superman ride.
  • Mad V: GET IN MY BELLY!!!

Great job everyone! Frankie will win his choice of either a caricature of his face (or someone else he chooses) or any item he likes to be included in HeroMachine 3. Congratulations, and thanks to everyone who entered!

HM3: Girl stuff

With thanks to Demented the Clown for the gentle nudge and the painful (in a good way) face-plant of idiocy I subsequently administered to myself for not thinking of it before, I just posted the “TopsZombie” set to the HeroMachine 3 Alpha. This should be of particular interest because it includes the Zombie Female tops like the cheerleader outfit, the fitted jackets, etc. so you can hopefully get a somewhat better female figure assembled a bit more easily.

Note that I was able to squeeze this in because it only took like thirty minutes. All I had to do was rename stuff and update the previews, so it was quick. The down side is that I don’t have time to do the tops up in the “new” style of removing the sleeves as separate elements, so for some of these you’re stuck with the arms in the regular down position.

This is just a quick and dirty stop-gap measure to get you something nicer than what we have, without implying that it’s the optimal or final resolution.

Anyway, hope you get some use out of it until we can get the real female template up and itemized. In the meantime, back to the Mini grind, which hopefully should be done soon.

Random Panel: Great moments in pre-Craigslist deviance

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(From ComicallyVintage.Tumblr.com.)

Poll Position: To kill and replace

We have a bit of a grim Poll Position question this week, but I think it could lead to some interesting discussion:

{democracy:103}

The choices are a bit more limited than usual on these, but I did that deliberately. Each of the choices is not just a costumed adventurer, but a living symbol to one large group or another. They represent something primal in the Marvel Universe that is more than just “Ooo, I want those powers!” That’s why I didn’t include Iron Man, for instance — Tony Stark is basically just a guy flying a suit, there’s nothing about him or his super-hero identity that represents a vital interest to society (or the mythos) at large. Anyone could be in the suit, although obviously some people would be a lot more heroic than others.

Anyway, here goes.

  • Captain America: Cap’s a great hero because he represents more than just “strong guy”. He’s a leader of men, a living embodiment of that ever-changing, yet ever-constant “American Spirit” at its best. Like any group of humans, America has done some pretty reprehensible things in the past, but Cap is the pure distillation of only the best this country has to offer. Living up to that kind of legacy would be really, really hard. Yes, Marvel killed him off recently, but let’s be honest — that was just a stunt, we all knew he was coming back ASAP. And this question is about what you, personally, trying to replace him. Yes, you’d have the same serum and powers and the same basic training, but would you be able to replace his moral and symbolic presence as well? That’s a damn tall order to fill.
  • Hulk: Killing off Banner and the Hulk is an attractive option on the one hand, because of the carnage the creature is capable of creating. But like Cap, The Hulk is about something both metaphysical and all-too-physical, that unreasoning, base, rageful part of who we as humans are. He’s the will that cannot be subdued, the strength that cannot be denied, the urge to survive and win that exists far below and beyond the intellectual. That kind of wild independence is, I think, why the military and the government have mostly been his opponents, because in many ways he represents the opposite of ordered and civilized violence, an anathema to that kind of spirit. Taking on that kind of monster, having to constantly live in fear of your own anger, that’s a heavy burden to carry. I don’t know if I would be willing to sacrifice that. Would you?
  • Professor Xavier: Xavier is to the mutant community of the Marvel Universe what Cap is to the humans, a leader and a symbol and an active defender all at once. His loss would be monumental, far out of proportion to his power set. Replacing him would require tremendous courage, leadership, vision, and greatness of heart. Yes, you’d have his mutant abilities, but it’s his fundamental goodness that made Xavier great.
  • Thor: To be a god … that’s quite a challenge. Thor has become the leader of an entire nation of gods, shouldering the responsibility for not only their lives but those of their mortal followers as well. Would you be able to overcome your human frailties and foibles to be a literal god?

Those are some big shoes to fill no matter which way you go. I honestly don’t think I have the moral fiber to replace a Steve Rogers or Charles Xavier, they’re just too big, too important to their followers, too vital to what it means to be a part of the Marvel Universe. I’d feel like I could never possibly fill their shoes, and would be constantly reprimanding myself.

Thor tempts me because I am not Asgardian, and don’t feel the same responsibility to those people as I would to regular humans (or mutants). But, the prospect of having to battle other gods is daunting. And I don’t think I have the ability to handle the responsibility that goes with being a deity. That’s just too much for me to handle.

So I am left with Hulk. At least there, the sacrifice Banner would be making is equaled by the sacrifice I would be making by taking on the burden of the beast. I’d feel like I was actually doing something good, that I was paying a price for the “powers” I’d be given. Plus, the power to stop something from going out of control entirely in my hands. I might not be up to controlling my anger, but it’s something at least I can understand. It’s not entirely beyond my normal experience, so I can see myself being able to do it.

What about you, which would you choose?

Random Panel: Great moments in nicknames

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(From “Bulletman” number 1, 1941.)

Random Panel: The high school geek mantra. Preach it!

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(From ComicallyVintage.tumblr.com.)