Fingering the Priest

When last we left our Lone Wolf, he had just discovered he was being poisoned and had rushed downstairs at the inn to decide who to blame for the attempted murder. We chose to finger the priest!

A black sword, he must be guilty! Because if there's one point fantasy and culture hammer home to us every day, it's that black things are evil. ::shakes head::

Regardless, we whip out our long, stiff spear and engage the enemy. We outclass him in combat by seven points (23 with the spear and mind blast versus 16), but he's healthier than us (23 versus 16). In round one of combat, we get a 4, resulting in 10 points of damage to him. Unfortunately the crafty bastard nicks us for 2 points of damage in return.

With our Lone Bloodlust fully aroused by the smell of blood, Bruce Lee style, we fly into a killing rage and land a devastating blow by rolling a 9, resulting in a teeth-rattling 18 points of damage to him! This guts him like a stuck pig, ending his treacherous life before he can hurt us again. Victory! We're now down to 14 END, however.

We were right! I think we've all learned two valuable lessons here, my friends. First, never start a land war in Asia. No, wait, wrong intellectual property.

First, never trust anyone with a tattoo. They're all evil.

And second, killing people pays even better than reckless gambling.

On second thought, maybe those aren't the lessons we should take from this encounter. Whatever, loot!

Moving on:

So here's our dilemma this week, folks. Do we take on six backwater provincial guards, secure both in the knowledge of our own rectitude in correctly eliminating an assassin bent on the domination of the bad guys, or do we respect their authoriteh Cartman style and flee the scene?

[polldaddy poll="5345738"]

And his time to installing asbestos floors.

(From "Fantastic Comics" number 12, 1940.)

In the land of bad haircuts, bad costumes are even worse

In a scene with three haircuts this bad, you know a costume has to be pretty darn epic to stand out as the worst. Luckily, Supergirl delivers:

Either out of envy for Superman's super mullet or sympathy for Lex Luthor's hair fleeing from his gnarly scalp like rats deserting a sinking ship, Supergirl has accompanied her heavy metal album cover costume with a set of thrasher hair right out of a "White Snake" video. Maybe she's hoping it will prove so distracting that no one will notice how her outfit is.

Get ready to have your hopes dashed on that score, my friend!

I cannot imagine how applying gigantic metal spikes to your upper arms could help you in a fight, even if you weren't super strong or invulnerable. Assuming you can keep your cape from hanging up on them (or flat out getting cut to shreds), what kind of bizarre WWF hold do you have to get someone in for those things to even come into play, much less be effective?

Although, maybe that's why her hair is so ragged. Maybe she's flying around at super speeds, long blonde tresses wafting about, when suddenly SNIKT! The blades devastate that do like a "Slap Chop" gone rogue.

Setting that aside, just look at the aesthetics of this costume, starting with the strange muscle-shirt tunic. I imagine her flying in front of the criminal du jour, pronouncing "Check it out! I got two tickets to the gun show!" Then grunting as she flexes over and over.

What really throws me, though, aside from the bizarre haircut and useless metal spikes are the boots. If your footwear is so badly designed that you need two wide-ass metal bands to hold them up, then you have some bad footwear. It's a bizarre effect. She looks like some drug-addled refugee from a bad Eighties hair band, not a powerful super-heroine bent on saving the world.

Although, maybe this iteration of Supergirl had a secret identity as a hairdresser, and in fact she's in a towering rage because a) her arm blades have diced up her boots and hair and sleeves, and b) at least two crimes against coiffure are being committed in this room.

I'm sure someone will come along to tell us how this was really a master plan by DC to show how silly the excesses of the Nineties anti-hero fashion conventions were, but don't let them fool you -- this just flat-out sucks.

(Image and characters ©DC Comics. Thanks to X-Stacy for pointing this travesty out to us.)

Worst. Super villain plan. Ever.

(From "Fantastic Comics" number 12, 1940.)

Poll Position: Batman vs … Batman?

Since Batman wins every poll, I thought I would turn the tables on you and make you choose one Batman over another! Ha!

{democracy:194}

Note that for now I am leaving on the option to enter your own answers, as I'm sure there are some iconic versions I have missed. I'll close that if the answers get stupid enough, though.

And now, to the Batdebate!

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Crack detective work, Texas Ranger style

(From "Fantastic Comics" number 12, 1940.)

Caption Contest 104

With hearty thanks once again to Glenn3's "Say What? Pictures", your challenge this week is to come up with the best replacement dialog for this comics panel:

The best entry (as judged by yours truly) wins the author's choice of either any item they like or any portrait to be included in HeroMachine 3′s final release, or a custom black and white “Sketch of the Day” style illustration (you pick the subject, I draw it however I like).

All entries must be left as a comment (or comments) to this post. Keep ‘em clean (appropriate for a late-night broadcast TV show), but most importantly, keep ‘em funny!

This week we have a cap of no more than five (5) entries per person, so make 'em your best!

Character Contest 69 Winners!

We had an overwhelming response to Character Contest 69. I sincerely appreciate your willingness to share your creations with everyone. Even if you're not one of the Finalists below, I hope you don't let that discourage you -- the entries were uniformly great, so you should take pride in what you've accomplished. Really, thank you very, very much!

As usual, I'll now post all the submissions I thought were especially noteworthy for one reason or another, and then announce the overall winner at the end. I tried to pick ones that looked like actual individuals to me, faces that seemed as if I could run into them on the street. Well, if that street were in a super-heroic, demon-infested, magical sci-fi universe, that is.

Almost all of these are clickable to see at a larger size.

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Don’t think you’re safe, floors …

(From "Fantastic Comics" number 12, 1940.)

Super-heroes should not play World of Warcraft

(From "Fantastic Comics" number 15, 1941.)