When last we left our intrepid Lone Wolf, he was galloping away on the dying Prince’s magnificent horse, and we had to decide which way he’d go. Reflecting the trend of the upcoming US midterm elections, we decided to veer right:
You have ridden about a mile when you are knocked from your horse by an arrow grazing your forehead. You lose 3 ENDURANCE points.
As you pull yourself to your feet, you see a patrol of Drakkarim emerge from the woods on either side of the road. You have been ambushed and must evade them as quickly as possible by going into the forest.
Turn to 154.
Notice how I am not making any comment about the results of veering to the right. That’s on account of how mature I am.
You are dizzy from your wound and you stumble through the trees like a blind man.
Suddenly you fall forward as if the ground had been snatched from beneath your feet. You have fallen head first into a hunting pit. As you look up, you can see four Drakkarim levelling their bows at you, evil sneers spreading simultaneously across their ugly faces.
As the world darkens, the last thing you feel are the black shafts of their arrows deep in your chest. You have failed in your mission.
Holy cow! I confess, I totally did not see that coming. I feel a little cheated; simply by turning in one random direction over another, we’re dead, with no chance at all to do anything. Maybe the authors are making some kind of point about the randomness of fate, how sometimes the littlest things can bring you down, how we’re all mortal and MY LITTLE LONE WOLF CUB IS DEAD, WAAAAAAAHHH!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!
Ahem. So much for maturity.
So our quest to save the Realms dies a lonely death at the bottom of a pit, doing a curious impression of a hedgehog. An ignoble end to a fine young man, who will be sorely missed. Or not, since presumably everyone was used to his running off at the drop of a hat by now.
What should we do next, folks? If you like, I could go back and turn left at that intersection instead and see what happens (although that’s cheating, let’s be honest, we all did it when reading these books originally). Or, I have another “Fighting Fantasy” adventure — “Deathtrap Dungeon” — loaded on my iPhone, of all things, and we could work our way through that if you prefer. It has the exciting feature of shaking the phone to roll dice, resulting in the longest and most pointless “dice rolling” animation you have ever imagined. Sadly, I cannot share that particular aspect of the experience with you, so each time you’d have to walk into the nearest closet and stare at a blank wall while badgers gnaw at your liver so we can all have the same feeling at the same time as waiting for that stupid feature to complete.
Or we can make like Lone Wolf and run away, never to return! Let me know what you think.