HeroMachine Character Portrait Creator

I used to feel bad that most super-villains were humans, but I was delighted to find that the Coneheads, too, have their problems:

Apparently Beldar went to seed after his movie bombed and he took up a life of crime. Pity.

Actually this is an image of DC’s “Brain Storm”, but I think the Coneheads connection is closer to the truth. Take this sentence from his character write-up: “Discovering at last that his brother was not dead, but merely teleported to France accidentally by Brain Storm’s own power … ”

And when asked where he’s from, what does Beldar the Conehead famously answer? That’s right, “We are from France.” I rest my case.

(Image and character @1985 DC Comics, Inc., “Who’s Who”, volume III.)

Everyone in the creative business hopes to leave a legacy for the future, some mark on their craft that will resonate through the ages long after the originator has died.

In the case of Image Comics, part of that proud legacy is spit.

I call it a “phlegming”, a long strand of saliva visible in the widely gaping mouth of the character. While today you see it everywhere, it reached salivary perfection with the fine stable of Rob Liefeld clones at Image Comics, as in this cover from “Pitt” (motto: “So much awesomeness we needed two Ts!”) number two:

As you can see, when you’re a young man you have only one phlegming, because your adolescent body is just not sufficiently developed enough. But eat all your breakfast and work hard every day, and soon you’ll grow into an eight foot tall Hulk/Wolverine rip-off with six, seven or even more phlegmings of your own!

Notice, however that supporting that many phlegmings at once is not easy. Just look at how many new and innovative neck muscles not present in regular humans are required to generate so much viscous spittle. And the jaw control required to form it into strings instead of flinging it about as droplets results in massive growth of your teeth and gums. Practically your whole face gets devoted to supporting the creation and maintenance of phlegmings, but I think we can all agree it’s well worth the effor.

On a more positive note, given the size of his enormous melon, I think that young man definitely has what it takes to be a top-notch super-hero one day, supporting his own set of phlegmings and other mucous-related products.

(Image and character © 1993, Dale Keown.)

A new year has dawned, and it’s a good time to reflect on what has passed, what may be yet to come, and to take a few precious moments to mock super-hero costumes that don’t know when they, too, should just let their theme slip quietly into that good night:

Clock King found a niche and by gum he’s going to fill it. I get the feeling he found clock-patterned spandex on sale at Wal-Mart and just couldn’t say no. This is the kind of guy who wallpapers his entire house with the exact same print, and then gets throw pillows to match. Other, lesser villains with a time theme might have stopped at just an hourglass insignia, or maybe some arrows on the gloves, but we’re talking about chronological royalty here!

I assume the glass faceplate is opaque on the outside and transparent from the inside so he can see, but what about when the time is 9:15 or 3:45 and the hands are covering his eyes? And don’t think for a minute that a guy with this kind of theme mania is going to have a non-functional clock on his kisser! I don’t even want to think about how he sets the time for the clock in his belt …

Image and character are ©1985, DC Comics, Inc., “Who’s Who”, Volume V.