HeroMachine Character Portrait Creator

First we had Whoopi Goldberg showing up as one of the cosmic powers, and now apparently Scarlett Johansson’s lips have been turned into an android:

This is actually the Mad Thinker’s “Awesome Android”, but surely only the sultry Ms. Johanson’s pouty mouth has the power to inspire someone to create a super-villain whose entire head is nothing but lips. I’m tempted to say this evil-doer “sucks”, but that would be beneath me. I would, however, pay cash money to have him say “Kiss off!” as he pummels his enemy to smithereens.

(Image and character ©1985, Marvel Comics Group, “The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe”, Volume 2, Number 7.)

Somehow I missed it, but in the mid-80’s DC cleverly slipped a Gay Pride March into the background of one of their “Who’s Who” books, and I think it’s great:

I’ve grayed out the background characters so you can focus in on the brave warriors leading the charge for a comics-wide acceptance of their sexuality. From the very proud “Rainbow Raider” (need I say more about that name?), to the see-through red silk sleeves and striped stockings of “Red Bee”, to the flowery jester-like cowl and low-slung floppy boots of “The Ray”, and finally to the man-on-man flight of love of “Reactron” and “Reverse Flash”, these fabulous men in spandex are finally willing to let it all hang out. It’s long past time gay supers had the freedom to come out of the secret closet and fly proud. I salute you, one and all!

The only question I have regards what’s going on down in the lower left. That’s “Queen” from “The Royal Flush Gang” there in the front position. At first I assumed the character behind her (clearly getting into amorous position) was another female hero, to carry on the gay pride them by including lesbian members. But actually that’s “Quicksilver”, a male character. Apparently he got the memo that this was a Gay Pride event, and tried to dress like a girl in hopes of getting some time with “The Queen”. I give him points for ingenuity, but he’s got no chance, as clearly she’s staring lustily at “Queen Bee” (not shown) on the other side of the cover. After all, no queen worth her salt would waste time with a commoner, especially considering he’s straight and has a reputation for being “extremely speedy”, if you know what I mean.

Professional pride prevents me from commenting on the fact that the artist’s last name is “Colon”. But come on, that’s awesome.

(Characters and images ©1986, DC Comics, Inc.)

I suppose if you’re going to name your super-hero self after a cheap and fruity wine beverage, you ought not to be surprised if your costume also looks cheap and fruity, as if you’ve just staggered out of “your” alleyway after a long drunken night of homelessness:

Perhaps Marvel intended this character as a “What If Batman Became a Wino” sort of thing, but I can’t imagine Bruce Wayne sporting a nifty pencil-thin mustache like that no matter how debased he became. Or maybe this is actually Bruce and Selina “Catwoman” Kyle’s love-child, I don’t know.

Whatever the case may be, you’d have to be pretty hopped up on MD 20/20 to combine black thigh-boots with a plunging, chest-hair-exposing collar like that. The creepy demon face logo and angry manicured nails complete the image of the angry wino looking to get back a little of what’s his. Or at least another bottle of cheap hooch, whichever’s easiest.

(Mad-dog character and image ©1985, Marvel Comics Group, “The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe”™, Vol. 2, No. 7.)