HeroMachine Character Portrait Creator

I bet that during the early Nineties the Marvel execs were sitting around wondering how they could possibly whore out the Wolverine brand any more than they already were. “After all,” I can imagine Tom DeFalco (Editor in Chief at the time) saying, “Shazam has like nine different family members, Superman had a freaking super-horse at one point, and Batman has The Goddam Bat-Mite! We can’t let the fact that Wolverine has no definite history stop us here, people, think, think!”

And that’s when inspiration hit like a big magic thunderbolt out of the sky — if Wolverine can’t have past family members show up to anchor yet more spin-offs, why not give him a relative from the future!

Thus, Rancor:

Since this is a “Bad Super-Costume” post, I feel obligated to point out that as bad as Wolverine’s actual hair is, it looks even worse on a woman. Seriously, it looks like we’ve caught a big raven attempting to mate with the back of her skull. Worse, she’s attempting to shove her hand into that troll-doll’s rectum, and that’s not only bad costuming but bad hygiene as well.

Here’s a close-up of Rancor from the pages of “Guardians of the Galaxy” number 30:

Clearly the extended Wolverine clan has picked up another mutation somewhere along the line that attaches the back of the tongue to the inside of the chin. I can’t think how that’s a positive adaptation, but maybe in the future everyone has extremely shallow mouth cavities, and only those with their tongues re-arranged can actually eat. She certainly seems to be enjoying the green ichor she just wrenched from the gullet of her ill-fated informant, so maybe there’s something to that.

I also don’t recall Wolverine having pointed ears. He must have mated with someone from ElfQuest, or possibly he and Night Crawler got busy when no one was looking. That would certainly explain the massive blue fur on this woman’s eyes and eyebrows. “But Jeff,” I hear you complain, “Wolverine and Night Crawler were both dudes, they couldn’t have a baby!” To which I can only reply, “Superman had a super-horse, get off Marvel’s back, they’ve got a lot of ground to make up here.”

As I said, I understand the desire to squeeze every last possible drop out of a high-value property like Wolverine, but apparently there were no more magic lightning bolts left after settling on “female Wolverine from the future” to deal with the costume. Same hair, same colors, same claws, same penchant for violence, only now with boobies.

Well played, Tom DeFalco-led Marvel. Well played.