Rob Liefeld does everything bigger and badder, from muscles to jaws to crazy-high projecting mask bits to sound effects. For instance, you can tell that this SPLOOSH onomontoPOWia is so loud it changed both Cable’s and Wolverine’s left feet into right feet!

That’s some louditude, boys and girls.

Furthermore, I hope you’ll note that in classic Liefeld fashion he has rejected the tired, patriarchal color norms, replacing the expected blue of the tons of water falling on these two (from a big water tower in a warehouse, because we all know how important it is to keep your crates well moistened) with a sickly green. The only thing better than fresh water that quenches your thirst is puke green algae water that slaps your feet on backwards!

I’ve commented before on the odd habit of putting superheroes in costumes that make it look like they’re getting eaten, but I have to confess I never thought someone would design a mask that appears to be a starfish humping a guy’s face. It’s possible, of course, that the haberdasher simply sewed Sunfire’s top lip to his headgear, but I think I’m gonna stick with the man-eating echinoderm. Judge for yourself:

Note that in none of these images can you see Sunfire’s upper lip. In fact, the only way to account for the way this looks is to assume that Rob Liefeld doesn’t know anatomy from anemone jokemeister Wolverine got a little crazy with the superglue. Regardless, here’s how I like to reimagine the dialog in these panels. “Hey guys, I think this starfish bit off my nose! No, really I am freaking telling you my nose is gone!! Hey you over there, is that my nose on those lines under your feet, assuming that’s your foot I mean? Ah to heck with it, there’s no space in this mask for my nose anyway, just let it go.”

I included the bottom left image because I couldn’t figure out how all the various pieces of this sea-borne abomination actually would fit together. But after seeing it from behind, I realized that Liefeld doesn’t know either, so I stopped worry and learned to love the suck.

I really wanted to grant the benefit of the doubt here and assume that Liefeld was just having an off day when he designed and/or drew this. But the entire issue is rife with the same kind of massive head-wingery. Don’t any of these people ever have to go through a frigging door?

You can’t see it in this image, but Wolverine also has amazingly long pointy bits coming off of his boots. Apparently he doesn’t go sideways through doors either.

Stryfe, being a big-time villain leader of a whole group, naturally has more resources than your lowly X-Factor type of teen mutant, so he’s able to not just have tall sharp prongs coming off the top of his helmet, but the bottoms as well. Plus some extraneous antenna spikes on his shoulders and arms, just for good measure. I bet most of his criminal takings go right back to the carpentry guild, constantly repairing door frames he smashes on his way through. Sadly, all of his power and resources were not enough to save him from having his lip eaten by his mask as well.

Warlock makes up for the fact that he doesn’t wear clothes by naturally extending his cybernetic head shafts to impossible lengths. Because even though you can draw them long normally, sometimes you need even more!

Dragoness is the only one in the clear on this, because she already has to make sure she has room overhead for her wings.

At least Cannonball’s aviator goggles hang down. Of course, given the fact that his whole schtick is flying at incredibly high speeds, how practical is that, really? “Don’t worry, I’ll save you — urrrk, gaaaack!” and Cannonball dies, strangled by his own intemperate headwear, a fate we wouldn’t wish on anyone besides the guy that drew all of this on days when we’re feeling cranky.

(All images from the same single issue — yes, all of that packed into just one comic book! “The New Mutants”, Vol. 1, No. 94, ©1990 Marvel Entertainment Group, Inc. Louise Simonson, writer; Rob Liefeld, penciller; Hilary Barta, inker; Joe Rosen, letterer; Brad Vancata, colorist.)

The Mighty God King has spoken (perhaps in consultation with Rex the Wonder Dog, perhaps not, he’s not saying) and has chosen Evil Midnight Lurker as the winner of Caption Contest 26!

The other entries that made me personally laugh out loud were:

• John D: Wait!! i’m not part of the seafood platter!
• Frankie: And here I thought blowing up a barrel of fish would be easier than shooting them.
• Jev: This is not my beautiful vault, these are not my beautiful coins!
• Syzyx: Water off a duck’s back? Sure. But the fish still hurt.
• God of Plague: One more cruise like this and I’m gonna be Screwed McDuck.

Thanks to everyone who entered, and to the Mighty God King for guest-judging. Evil Midnight Lurker and I will start working on his or her custom black and white illustration asap — for your own chance to win, take a shot at “Caption Contest 27: Crack is WHAKT!” going on now!

The Mighty God King is deciding now on the winner of Caption Contest 26, but while we tremble in fear awaiting his selection we can go ahead with Caption Contest 27. In keeping with Rob Liefeld Week, I challenge you to come up with the funniest possible dialog to put in the balloon of the following Rob Liefeld Panel:

You can tell it’s a Rob Liefeld Panel because a) there are no feet present, b) everyone’s mouth is at an anatomically impossible angle and c) there’s no background. What will differentiate it this time around, however, is that you are going to make it at least have funny dialog. As always, here are the Three Laws of Funny Captioning:

1. A maximum of three submissions per person.
2. Entries should be made in the comments to this post.
3. Keep it clean, appropriate for a prime-time network sitcom broadcast only, you know, funny.

The winner will receive a free custom black and white illustration by yours truly of whatever they like (within reason), so get that Funny Cap on and get busy!

Just as a note, everything I post this week (except for the Improv Comic yesterday and the caption contest winner from last week) will be related in some way to Rob Liefeld. You may leave your feet at the door.