Beware the Soggy Pantload!

A bad costume is always more satisfying when it adorns an equally bad character, which is why I am so thankful we have Captain V, who apparently ran out of creative juices after coming up with "Captain" and then the letter "V". Or maybe he couldn't spell "Victory". That seems pretty likely when you consider his origin:

That's right, our intrepid hero is a ... puppeteer. Who gets his powers by playing the piano. Which he has in a dedicated room that he calls -- and I am not making this up, it's right there in the caption -- "The Organ Cellar". As if among his old "Popular Science" issues and the furnace he keeps a stash of kidneys and spleens. Clearly, naming things is not this guy's forté.

So we know he's bad with names and has a fondness for playing with his organ, but what else -- oh, and puppets, you mustn't forget he's a ferocious puppeteer -- what else can he do? Let's find out!

Take a moment to read that again, and see if it makes more sense the second time around. I bet it doesn't, because I'm on read-through number twelve and I still can't make head or tails of it. "A family of cunning twisted thoughts"? Wha-hunh? "Quietly now, not a word to meet for the first time, Stogie." If this were a decade later, I'd think this was a Japanese paragraph translated -- poorly -- by some barely literate kid at the comics office for an American audience. In any event, you can see why I think they just couldn't spell Victory given their obviously tenuous grasp of English in the first place.

But even worse than the dialog is the outfit. I bet they had to put the "V" on his chest that big because he couldn't remember it otherwise. "Hark, evildoers, it is I, Captain ... um ... dammit, why is my name only on the label in the back?!" I wonder, if enough of these "Big Letters On My Chest" guys got together, could they spell something, like fans at a football game?

If they do, Captain V will be able to host the tailgate party thanks to his big striped cape, freshly unwrapped from the nearest barber shop pole and ready to serve as a makeshift tablecloth, if they end up eating Italian. Talk about saving the day!

Finally, I'd be arrested if I left this entry without mentioning his briefs. Which, let's be honest, look like a diaper. A full diaper. A full, sagging, patriotic diaper. Along with his broken left hand, the left foot which has been surgically grafted to his right leg, his half-sized cranium, huge shoulders, and awkward proportions, I have to think that at some point we will discover that Captain V is, in fact, a marionette himself.

Which will be when we start hunting for forks to stick in our eyes, sadly a few issues too late as we will never, ever get the image of a red, white, and blue saggy pantload on a twisted puppet out of our minds, no matter how hard we scrub our eyeballs with soap.

You're welcome.

(All images from "All Top Comics" number 1, 1944. Note that after this, they seem to have gone with cartoon animals in that book, which I think we can all agree was a great editorial decision.)

13 Responses to Beware the Soggy Pantload!

  1. spidercow2010 says:

    Well, could you post all the “Big Letters On My Chest” guys and we could have a contest to spell the funniest thing with their chests?

  2. Bael says:

    Well, they were early adopters of the whole “tobacco is bad” thing, so there is that.

  3. coyote says:

    ok seems no one wants to comment on the what about the hand between his legs ?

  4. Mr.Vampire says:

    For me the term organ cellar brings to mind a mad scientists cold storage room full of body parts in jars.
    “Quick Igor, fetch me a spleen from the organ cellar.”

  5. Worf says:

    I think that caption is telling the reader to be quiet…that he or she will be amazingly stupefied and won’t be able to utter a word as they meet, for the first time, Stogie, the father (and you thought Captain V had a problem with naming…) and his daughter named Cherdot (What the F????). To top it all off, after “meeting” these two we’re supposed to look up… (and raise our hands and cry out loud “WHY??? WHYYYYYYY????”) oh, and wait patiently as they…. (Look in horror as Captain V makes self-pleasuring gestures in the middle of his jump?????)

  6. Worf says:

    Oh wait… I just re-re-re-re-read it and I think I got it wrong… we’re not supposed to look up… Stogie has TWO children… Cherdot AND Upsweep.

    It’s official, whomever created this comic CANNOT under any circumstance have children (or at the very least can’t be allowed to have ANY input in the naming process).

  7. kingmonkey says:

    I, too, gain powers when I play with my organ.

  8. Niall Mor says:

    OK, since we’re talking about pants and what goes in them, here’s a question I’ve wondered about since I’ve started reading superhero comics. Is there a name for that underwear/loincloth thing that the hero wears on the outside of his pants that seems to be standard equipment for so many of the old school cape and tights superhero guys? Superman and Batman have one. Spidey doesn’t. What’s it called? Inquiring minds want to know! 🙂

  9. X-stacy says:

    I don’t think it’s Cherdot, Worf, I think it’s Cheroot–another word for a cigar. Not that this is much of an improvement.

  10. kingmonkey says:

    Cheroot would go along with the guy’s name being Stogie.

    Is that child abuse?

  11. Rendu says:

    @Niall Mor: I believe the proper name for that bit of costuming is “trunks”, as in “swimming trunks”.

  12. Kount Kill says:

    Hey, how come no one has mentioned the Princess Leia hair buns he has on his head? I guess he thought those would distract from the soggy pantload, but appearantly he was mistaken.
    Oh, and BTW kiddies, if a puppeteer ever offers to take you down and show you his Organ cellar, politely decline and call the police the first chance you get.

  13. Amy says:

    For me the term organ cellar brings to mind a mad scientists cold storage room full of body parts in jars.
    “Quick Igor, fetch me a spleen from the organ cellar.”