Yearly Archives: 2008

Rancorrible

I bet that during the early Nineties the Marvel execs were sitting around wondering how they could possibly whore out the Wolverine brand any more than they already were. "After all," I can imagine Tom DeFalco (Editor in Chief at the time) saying, "Shazam has like nine different family members, Superman had a freaking super-horse at one point, and Batman has The Goddam Bat-Mite! We can't let the fact that Wolverine has no definite history stop us here, people, think, think!"

And that's when inspiration hit like a big magic thunderbolt out of the sky -- if Wolverine can't have past family members show up to anchor yet more spin-offs, why not give him a relative from the future!

Thus, Rancor:

bad-rancor.jpg

Since this is a "Bad Super-Costume" post, I feel obligated to point out that as bad as Wolverine's actual hair is, it looks even worse on a woman. Seriously, it looks like we've caught a big raven attempting to mate with the back of her skull. Worse, she's attempting to shove her hand into that troll-doll's rectum, and that's not only bad costuming but bad hygiene as well.

Here's a close-up of Rancor from the pages of "Guardians of the Galaxy" number 30:

bad-rancor2.jpg

Clearly the extended Wolverine clan has picked up another mutation somewhere along the line that attaches the back of the tongue to the inside of the chin. I can't think how that's a positive adaptation, but maybe in the future everyone has extremely shallow mouth cavities, and only those with their tongues re-arranged can actually eat. She certainly seems to be enjoying the green ichor she just wrenched from the gullet of her ill-fated informant, so maybe there's something to that.

I also don't recall Wolverine having pointed ears. He must have mated with someone from ElfQuest, or possibly he and Night Crawler got busy when no one was looking. That would certainly explain the massive blue fur on this woman's eyes and eyebrows. "But Jeff," I hear you complain, "Wolverine and Night Crawler were both dudes, they couldn't have a baby!" To which I can only reply, "Superman had a super-horse, get off Marvel's back, they've got a lot of ground to make up here."

As I said, I understand the desire to squeeze every last possible drop out of a high-value property like Wolverine, but apparently there were no more magic lightning bolts left after settling on "female Wolverine from the future" to deal with the costume. Same hair, same colors, same claws, same penchant for violence, only now with boobies.

Well played, Tom DeFalco-led Marvel. Well played.

Caption Contest 28 Winner

The winner of Caption Contest 28 is Loki!

contest28-winner.jpg

I only saw two other Honorable Mention entries:

DJ:

1.(BG)ME WANT CANDY NOW!
2.(Head)I AM NOT A PEZ DISPENSER!

I like this one because I can see it happening in an actual comic book. Plus, comparing him to a Pez Dispenser really makes me want to see what comes out when you squeeze him.

Frankie:

Big guy: “Stay back! Don’t come any closer. I’m not afraid to use this!”
Head guy: “Um…Bang!? Bang!?? I don’t know.”

And this one I like because it makes me think about how ridiculous all of these shape-changing stretch-guys are, and wonder why they don't get into situations like Frankie describes more often.

I was late posting the winner due to my NYC trip, so Caption Contest 29: Shiver me nips! is going on now, with your chance to win your very own custom black and white illustration just like Loki!

Random Panel: That's a hell of a way to describe Angeline Jolie

legion-42-surrogate-mother.jpg

Caption Contest 29: Shiver me nips!

Come up with the funniest replacement dialog for this comic book panel and win your very own custom black and white illustration of whatever you like from professional comic book illustrator Jeff Hebert!

caption29.jpg

Leave your entry or entries (no more than three) in the comments below before Tuesday, September 23 for your chance to win. Try to keep it clean if you can, which may not be all that easy given what he's wearing over those man-boobs.

Good luck to everyone!

Random Panel: Great moments in awkward threats

legion-42-hold-your-tongue.jpg

META: Out of town again

I'm headed to New York City to meet with the UGO guys and talk about HeroMachine stuff in a couple of hours. This means I might be a bit late deciding the contest winner for this week on Tuesday, although I'll try to schedule a new caption image to publish while I'm away.

Hopefully I'll have some program-related news to relay when I return on Wednesday.

Comic Book ads

While making my way through the Great Random Comic Book Pile, I've been struck a number of times by the ads that fill these things. Often these inserts take the form of a comic book, and sometimes (like when reading Rob Liefeld) seeing good art can be a refreshing change of pace.

But it's always a bit strange to see characters you're used to knowing in a super-hero context suddenly step a bit out of their usual role to endorse a product and talk directly to you. I can just barely swallow Spider-Man using Hostess Twinkies to capture The Vulture (which is more than I can say for the Twinkies themselves), but sometimes it goes a bit too far, like in this Silver Surfer-themed ad:

groo-76-silver-surfer-ad.jpg

See, he's a surfer, so they have him endorsing a jet ski because both usually are found on water, see, only in this case he's taking it into space just like when he's Heralding for Galactus! Which makes you wonder why the kid on the back is wearing a life jacket, of course, and oooh look something shiny! Ads like these are like staring into the sun, you have to look quick and then look away before they blind you.

My biggest question, though, isn't what good a foam-filled nylon vest is going to do to Little Bobby when Galactus comes looking for his errant herald, it's what in the hell the winner of the contest is going to do with 1,000 Silver Surfer watches. Is the assumption here that once you win a jet ski, you'll have thousands of people wanting to be your friend, and by giving each of them a watch you can tell who's loyal and who's to be eliminated before the planet gets eaten? Or do they honestly think that your average comic-book-reading kid has a thousand friends to his name? If so, they've clearly misunderstood their target audience.

I also can't wait to see the scene at the local beach/water park/lake resort when Happy Harvey the Jet Ski Winner shows up on his personal water craft emblazoned with a giant Silver Surfer logo. I'd estimate the TTCWI (Time To Complete Watery Immersion) at under 3.5 seconds as the local aqua-bullies pummel him mercilessly before taking his Crocs and throwing him in the drink.

Random Panel: Oooo, choose me, choose me!

legion-42-buttbrain.jpg

Poll Position: Voting for an Evil Overlord

This week's poll position is:

{democracy:47}

Discussion after the jump.

Continue reading

Random Panel: If you're talking to a green guy, you ALREADY have brain damage pal

legion-42-braindamage.jpg