Poll Position: Evil Batman

Concluding our month-long "What If?" tribute, I bring you a scenario so unsettling, I may not be able to sleep tonight:


Rampaging muscle-bound Hulks and sinister Kryptonians are a walk in the park next to this one, folks, so let's take it below the fold and not scare the kids.

See, the thing about Batman is that he's all twisted. His mind travels down dark and winding passages, and you never know where he's going to pop up or what he's going to do when he gets there. I seriously can't imagine anyone I'd rather have as an enemy less. I think if he decided to turn his hand to evil and take over the world, he'd be almost impossible to stop. You can't beat him with straight-up brawn, because he's too slippery for that -- you'd never get close enough. That made the list of possible opponents very tricky to come up with, but I'll run down my thoughts on them one at a time.

  • Dr. Doom: As has been discussed before, I think Doom is one of the few who can match Bruce Wayne both in terms of ruthlessness and financial resources. Unfortunately, I think Doom would eventually get hung by his own arrogance, something Batman is quite adept at manipulating. I don't think he's clever enough to match wits with the Caped Crusader.
  • Green Arrow: I include GA on the list mostly for his familiarity with Batman. They worked together for years, and I think that gives him some insight to how Bruce's mind works. He's also a detective, which I think would be key because I would guess that a) uncovering the plot and b) figuring out how to find Batman to bring him down in the first place would take some sleuthing.
  • Guy Gardner: Frankly I just want Batman to have a chance to kick Gardner's ass. Again.
  • Hellboy: He won the last poll, so he deserves another entry. Plus, I think that his completely bull-headed, charge-straight-ahead and don't confuse me with details approach might actually be effective against the myriad schemes he'd be facing. Sometimes brute force and a refusal to get caught up in bullshit is exactly what you need.
  • Lex Luthor: Like Doom, Lex has the financial backing to challenge Wayne in the toy department. However, I think he has all the same liabilities of Doom with no real compensating strengths. I spit on myself for including him on this list -- as penance I shall shave my head. Oh wait, too late!
  • Ozymandias: From Watchmen, for those of you not in the know. He's the smartest man on the planet, and -- clearly -- is ruthless enough to get the job done. I think he'd be an excellent opponent for Bruce Wayne. However, I also think he'd end up just taking over the world himself even if he won, only in a way we'd never even realize. Sort of an out of the frying pan and into the fire kind of thing.
  • Punisher: I tend to think Frank wouldn't stand a chance, but then again, a sufficient quantity of firepower has a certain quality all its own.
  • Reed Richards: I put him on this list because he's the only one I can say for sure is definitely smarter than Bruce. I just don't know if that would be enough.
  • Superman: Batman's beaten him before but, come on, he's freaking Superman. You can hardly go wrong with the Man of Steel for any job other than Kryptonite Janitor.
  • Wolverine: Logan has the physical prowess to take Batman down, and I think he has the toughness and determination to fight through the various obstacles that would be thrown in his way. More relentless than the Punisher, more lethal than Hellboy, less principled than Superman, I think he'd have a real shot at it.

Batman's just so ... bad-ass. At so many things. That's the thing about Batman, if you bring strength he brings smarts. If you bring smart he brings clever. If you bring clever, he beats your head in with a car battery. It's his mastery of misdirection, the fine art of jiu jitsu, of directing your enemy's strength against him that makes Bruce so deadly. But, if I were the one in charge of choosing someone to do the job of taking down an Evil Batman, I supposed I'd have to go with ... Ozymandias. Let's get real, he basically IS Evil Batman in the Watchmen world, and look what a bang-up job he did at it. But I bet I'd end up regretting it.

Who would you choose?

9 Responses to Poll Position: Evil Batman

  1. TheNate says:

    If Batman goes evil, does the Joker go good? Because given the implicit moral code of fiction, that’d give the Joker the edge he needs to reverse his losing streak.

  2. Jeff Hebert says:

    No goodie two shoes Joker! Good Joker is bad Joker.

  3. DJ says:

    I have to agree with you Jeff. When I read the question that is the FIRST name that jumped out to me. He would beat Batman but it would be a close fight.

  4. The Icedaemon says:

    While Ozymandias is the best match for the Bat, I’d think that Doom stands a real chance. He might be less intelligent, but his cunning is considerable and his raw power is enough to make sure that he would win when they finally go toe-to-toe. Well, unless the Bat is crazy prepared (which he, granted, will be) and the Latverian is caught off guard (which he should not be).

  5. Bael says:

    The key to this is subtlety and preparation. What makes Batman so formidable is his skills at extensive planning for any foe or situation. If Batman went bad, or was bad from the start, most of this list will have no idea it happened until their own personal execution plan goes into effect, and then it is too late. Even if they survive a couple attempts, they still have no idea of their enemy. Doom may figure it out, but is simply too arrogant to survive against a foe as intelligent and as ruthless as himself. Reed Richards might figure it out by raw intellect,but is probably not devious enough to overcome Batman. Hellboy is a good dark horse candidate. His group has unusual resources, so he may be able to identify the new villain in town, and stay below Batman’s radar long enough to act. He also has a knack for just walking through other people’s best laid plans and leaving nothing but wreckage behind. Ozymandias is probably the best bet. Batman’s match physically and mentally, and the only one on the list who mighy beat him at the long game.

  6. Cavalier says:

    ‘Ozy’ was my first choice as well, but I feel a bit like I’m disrespecting Doom. He stands as one of my favorites. Doom posesses amazing planning ability, has the toys and armor for toe-to-toe, and the mystical trump card. Unfortunatly, his plans don’t have the depth to survive a setback (since he’s a villian) so I give the nod to Ozymandias.

  7. tristan says:

    it would have to be mr fantastic hes smarter than bruce and he has powers he could easily build something to take him down. flaw hes not ruthless

  8. The Flash anyone??? Lets keep it simple, we randomly recruit the flash… emphasis on random so bruce doesnt know he’s coming… But really what is Bruce going to do to the fastest man ever?

    Does bruce have any traps that can spring before the flash runs through them, any doors that could close quick enough… I think not.

    I think a punch from the flash going however fast he runs should be enough theoretically to take batman out, if not permanently for a good period of time.

    Flash takes this one in the blink of an eye.

    Either him or Mr. Terrific the 3rd smartest man in the universe, and he’s got more skills than Mr. Fantastic in my personal opinion

  9. johnathon says:

    superman or x-men r good but who is the best of them to ……………….superman dude superman is the boom and you all know that x-men has nothing on superman if i was x-men and i had to fit superman i would kill myself before he got close to me well this all im going to write to day bye people and thank you for putting this website.