HeroMachine Character Portrait Creator

Courtesy of Brian Hughes at "Again With the Comics", I present Patton Oswalt's take on a very special Batman Christmas story to get you in the holiday spirit. Merry Christmas!

"BATMAN SMELLS"
Written by: Patton Oswalt
Drawn by: Bob Fingerman
Story scanned from Bizarro World collection, ©2005, DC Comics.

Hey pal! What's that big glowing butterknife for ... ?

On Christmas Eve, I thought it would be a good time for us comic book nerds to all talk about our favorite nerdy Christmas presents ever. I'll go first, but I really look forward to hearing some of your fondest Christmas gift memories.

Most of my super-hero memories involved laboriously tracking through the Sears Catalog (this was before the Internet, see, we actually used paper and the telephone for ordering things!), marking every Star Wars action figure I wanted. I considered myself Santa's little helper, apparently, figuring surely he got some kind of volume discount. Plus I knew Santa didn't really know squat about which figures were best, so he might need a hand picking the choicer ones.

I did the same thing with the MEGO 8" tall fully articulated and clothed super-hero action figures. Those things were awesome. Unlike the Star Wars figures, which couldn't move at the wrists or elbows or knees or ankles, these guys had joints where you needed them. And their outfits were actual sewn cloth, not molded plastic.

The highlight of Christmas morning for me was seeing which, if any, of the figures whose pages numbers and prices I'd written in a neat list for Santa showed up under the tree. Generally I'd lose at least one piece before the day was over, but that was all right; toys were to be played with, darn it, not kept in a box forever!

I still remember the Green Arrow figure, whose hat, boots, bow, quiver, and arrows all disappeared in fairly rapid fashion. Without his gear, he's just a guy, so I decided I'd retcon him. I used Scotch tape for new, form-fitting boots over his stockings, which gave him a neat banded look. But the beard was so clearly Green Arrow, it had to go. So I heated up the electric stove, held a butter knife to it till it got really hot, and proceeded to do my best Barber of Seville imitation.

Unfortunately, eight-year-old Jeff was unaware of the finer points of shaving techniques, and used the serrated edge of the knife to remove the offending whiskers. As a result, The Green Scar Face too to the streets of my home town to fight crime. I thought the contrast between the horribly ravaged, black-edged melted face gouges and the shiny boots was particularly piquant.

What are some of your favorite geeky Christmas memories?

And I hope you spend the holiday either surrounded by beloved family and friends, or gloriously alone and untroubled by crappy family and friends! Either way, so long as YOU are happy, I am happy.

Thanks for following along on the blog this year and for sharing your thoughts and creativity with everyone. Happy Holidays and/or Merry Christmas!