Hitting him would be a mercy

My latest theory is that Wonder Man's costume is so bad, it infects the costumes of all the people around him too. We saw it with the West Coast Avengers, and we see it again in this dubiously-named villain called "Hit Maker":

hit-maker

This guy looks like Sinestro and Colossus somehow got busy and had a bizarre hip-hop bastard child with poor fashion sense. And believe me, this is one DC-Marvel crossover that should have died aborning in the editorial offices, because it's one of the worst outfits I've ever seen. From the big gold bling ring bar on his right hand to the inexplicable armor that only covers the arms and legs (corporate motto: "Why cover the vitals when you can save a limb!"), it's all just wrong wrong wrong.

And then there are the reverse-C clamp things on his thighs. I am trying really hard to imagine a more useless accoutrement, but am coming up blank. What's the point of armor that only covers a four inch high strip on the back of your thighs, leaving the front open? I mean sure, if it were festooned with pouches or something I could see it, but as is, it's just bizarre.

The worst part of the whole thing, though, is the giant metal yellow "H" and "M" shoulder pads. Seriously, what the heck were they thinking with this? Did he see Wonder Man's giant W and M costume and think "I have GOT to have that"? Does he have some sort of memory problem and constantly forgets his name, needing the mnemonic trick of his initials constantly on his body to remind him?

I bet Beast is glowering like that because the artist in charge wanted to continue the "Initials On Their Bodies" motif by shaving a ginormous "B" in his chest fur. Sadly, even that would be a better look than this orange-skinned no-long-term-memory MC Hammer wannabe sports. "Hit Maker" and his costume are definitely one hit that should never have been made.

(Characters and image copyright Marvel Comics, Inc.)

23 Responses to Hitting him would be a mercy

  1. … and is it me or does Beast look a lot like blue Wolverine. Beast needs to get a better agent.

  2. Y’know, I remember flipping through this issue at my local comic shop years ago and thought it WAS an MC Hammer meets Justin Hammer remix. Beast did not make drop a cent on it though. Maybe if there would’ve been a two panel Punisher cameo of him sniping that awful excuse for a cyber costume off at the end of the story… maybe.

    Good thing he was replaced by Malibu/Marvel’s Hardcase.

  3. My eyes! They burn! They burn!

  4. whats with the smaller H wedged in his chest? And the studs on his elbows?

  5. HM are my initials. I am ashamed.

  6. It’s a warning, Jeff. A warning from beyond the barriers of comic-book reality. The giant initial shoulderpads don’t stand for his identity…they indicate the poor program (HeroMachine, of course) that was tormented into coming up with this costuming monstrosity…

    …and now I think I’m going to try recreating that effect, just to see if it’s possible.

  7. The HM stands for “Hug Me”. The smaller H could be an addition like “Hug Me Hard”. Or “Hurry, Hug Me!” Or “Hug Me, Honey.” Or “Hug Monster Here”.

  8. As you can tell by my previous post, he puts the “hug” in “thug”.

  9. It could be Hold me Hank, thereby also explaining the Beast’s obvious disgust.

  10. Dan Gonzalez

    Beast was never so glad that he runs around nekkid.

  11. 1993… yeah, that about explains it.

  12. Wow, Jeff; I can’t believe you didn’t include the H seeming grafted onto his chest in your discription! I mean, how is that thing even staying ON?

  13. Can we add the villain’s name to as part of the horrible costume as well? I mean, come on, “Hit Maker”?! Who does this guy think he is? Phil Spector?

  14. @Gero: My theory is that his manly macho chest hair is prehensile, like Medusa from The Inhumans. Which would be pure distilled awesome.

  15. Anybody else noticing that Beast there is suffering from Youngbloods disease?

  16. Please say that he had a one-of comic appearance, and was never mentioned again.

  17. Also, there’s an N where his belt buck should be.

  18. @Tophat: Yah, I took anatomy back in high school, and I don’t remember ever seeing most of those neck muscles he’s sporting…

  19. @ Gero: Actually, ‘Youngbloods disease’ is phrase used by the comic-reviewer Linkara. It is oten used to describe when a character is drawn with no pupils in their eyes,something which was common in Rob Liefelds ‘Youngbloods’.

  20. Ah, I thought it referred to all the strange anitomical symtoms of the Youngbloods in general, not just their eyes…

  21. LOL I have this issue somewhere. Yes the costume is horrible but as I stated the last time you brought one of these up: All the one shot characters they had in the annual books were horrible and so were thier costumes.

  22. Mabye he’s a pimp. I mean the name, mustasche, and outfit all kind of point in that direction…

  23. that is also one powerfull sunburn! ouch!