Herr D's CFLs

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    Herr D

    Please, sir; I want some MORE!

    More time, more energy, more . . . HEROMACHINE! Because of freakish storms in the No Va / DC area, I was webless from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. So I completely missed the pop quiz about Teddy. When I saw it, I restrained myself from making a teddy out of Teddys (cue chorus of ‘awwww’ from guys who love Victoria’s Secret) and several other ideas that would have taken longer to formulate than I usually have on Saturdays. But I couldn’t help but make this panel:

    Sometimes messages to ambassadors, hurried and last-minute, DO prevent wars, like the following.


    I noticed no one went much smaller, just bigger. Pity I didn’t have time to enter.
    This next one didn’t make it to finalist. I imagine it was too much story and not enough cool in the pic.


    Of course, three laughs in one panel may be a record for me. Did you notice all three? 1. The story. 2. The ‘travel mug with no-tip base mounted on halter’ fake unicorn to befuddle passersby. Warm ale only pls. 3. Druic had dentured his fake unicorn, because a unicorn would NEVER have bad teeth. It bit his hat–when Druic notices it, he’s going to ‘invent the new design’ that we’re used to…


    Herr D

    It’s time for another folk song ending pic.
    “The Battle of New Orleans” as a folk song probably doesn’t have many more-uh-instances of poetic license-than most other folk songs. . . [prepares to duck into a muse’s skirts from angry mob of history buffs.] If you haven’t heard it, THIS one is famous and easy to find. The last verse in particular. I took part in an extensive discussion of it in fourth grade. That idiom, with sufficient license always struck me as hilarious. Yeeeeees, I know this pic is probably impossible for reasons related to munitions, anatomy, ballistics, geography AND general history, but I waited three decades to do it. So now I deserve YOUR patience.


    The uniforms were also a problem. What research I could do led me to conflicting answers as to what they would look like. To make matters worse, the captions on the pix available keep saying that the uniforms depicted are the wrong ones. I have two things on my side: war makes records and behaviors less consistent, and the ability to crop heavily. Which is not working consistently. Photobucket is giving me problems.


    love the accent Laugh


    Herr D

    Thank you–I am relieved to report no one has besieged me with reasons that panel is impossible. I guess mentioning most of them myself first did it.

    I submitted this panel for the pop quiz on being funny. It was a finalist, but it could only have beat out visual puns and physics references if the judge was a lot more into rpg mechanics.


    Speaking for myself, I don’t think I’d mind if, in REAL life, I could solve all problems so easily–even if it was sort of like the good guys could cheat. I’ve seen too much of the real world to believe that justice or fairness is well-distributed. I can see why it would be tempting to believe in trial by challenge. Anyone who was more in the right could automatically win? If I had to go delusional, I might pick that one. Then I could keep my head in the sand till it was time to be cured, and believe all was actually right with the world. At least I’d be one of the serene, sedate, and sedentary psychotics.


    Herr D

    This is the national hero page.
    Finalist: my wife thought this was too goofy to win — well, she was right. Gutesmaschine wasn’t even made as well–I ran out of time. You never know how the funnybone will strike.
    I figure the .12DM was for the lantern wick.

    Miss Panama was my favorite — well, she WAS the most fun for ME to look at. [ducks reflexively]
    I didn’t flesh out exactly what the ‘iron footathon’ was, I just knew it involved a big hammer.

    The Prussian Eagle was an honest-to-goodness dedication to people who, like me, have been let down by employers being less reliable than they were and undervalued by job interviewers. My wife wanted me to have him saying that he just overslept ONCE. But that tack was taken by an Australian entry.
    **I cannot remember whether his misspelling was on purpose or not! Yeesh.
    Mr. Tura Lura’s verse came out a bit awkward–but so’s his pose, about to stomp one of the thieves’ phones.

    And Baron de Liechtenstein? I wound up being more proud of the flagstone walkway even though the hero looked the most like a comic book cover of anything I’ve done recently.


    I also almost submitted a pic called ‘Stalin’s Heroes’ but that was just the graveyard background–it felt cheap and morose, despite being an interesting historical point. Oh, and the flag: more appropriate here than anywhere else–the flag of the museum of laughs.
    Because only those possessing should be oppressed!


    Herr D

    We pause here for a strange interlude . . .
    **”To past times well remembered.” A card attached to a OEOHFPPE–M? I think I showed you the originals of these:

    Anyone who doesn’t enjoy reading or has American English as a second language may wish to skip any entries I make in the “Blue Moan” series and go on to the rest.

    “Blue Moan” had a disastrous beginning. The comic strip was originally a 3-4 frame panel intended to run twice a week in a college newspaper. My mistake was I had no knowledge of inking. Mysteriously the first episode of the original appeared without a problem and the comics page editor complimenting me heavily. I say mysteriously because he told me later that he “couldn’t darken my work enough” to make it work two sentences from announcing he was “too intoxicated” to run the photocopier. I used the pen name Indy Gault as a joke that no one got. Ah, well . . . I dedicate this reboot to my longest-running neglected friend, M. May the patience I tested never be quite tested that thoroughly again!

    Ep. 1

    Ep. 2


    Herr D

    If I am to believe the stories my father and two grandfathers used to tell me, I am of beyond mixed heritage–perhaps nearly pureed . . . I got to thinking about my Native American roots and–uh–

    So I’ve invented this new concept. Native American medicine men were very practical. Bad dreams? Make something they get caught in. Bad dreams about drought and bad harvest? Maybe the feathers should be blue and green. Dreams of sickness–maybe add a white feather for purity. But what if your dreamcatcher gets so full of bad dreams it stops working?

    1. Turn it around to empty it. 2. Play music through it with an air-powered instrument. Preferably music about tate-waci, or wind dancing, because flying dreams are usually very good ones. 3. Try to blow bad dreams out onto pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin seeds sleep too much and die too easy. They need to be more restless.
    Like so:
    I haven’t tried it yet–have to wait for next Halloween.
    Next up, a pic of ‘Native American things’ I have carved out of wood and actually SOLD.


    And last, having met one of those relatives who never wasted anything. The concept of scalping led me to the runway; all the squaw divas will want one of these!
    Note the even tanning and stitching. Great workmanship!


    Herr D

    This is a monster page. First, the Van der Waal creature known as The Tangle:
    This one you have to think about before you’d know how scary it is. The speed of movement and growth and ‘budding.’ The decentralization of vitality. The main thing I’m unhappy about is I don’t think I depicted the ‘twisting’ motion the upper half of the building made in the air after it was bit off.
    Next, aliens play cards, too. The ‘earthling’ game. They’ll bet us as poker chips or–whatever.
    Last, muppet-inspired, the Escapee From Lab J eats rubber bands coated with Windex. No one knows what he might do, so we don’t let him — HEY, HE’S LOOSE!


    Herr D

    We’ve all heard of the British Invasion, but what about the Arthurian Inversion?
    Do you get all three quips? In case they are too obscure, see below.
    The man’s name was Pendragon; it was the sword and the stone; the slang is drain the lizard.


    Herr D

    This time I thought about nursery rhymes. If you know your history, you know that they have hidden meanings. “Ring around the rosie” was a story about disease; “Hey Diddle Diddle” was a character contrast within a famous household.
    –What if a bard really DIDN’T tell the true meaning of one of those rhymes?
    The temptation would always be there. The easiest thing to do would be what Willem Dafoe did: write a story that uses the same information. A bard could make sure he didn’t get as close as, say, a writer, but would always tend to reuse meter, rhyme schemes, phonetic themes, plot devices, archetypes . . . well?


    Obviously people today don’t mind repeatedly and radically altering old works of fiction. Something else, everyone knows the old saw about ‘winners writing the history.’ How many times can a world essentially ‘lose’ world-changing truth? For an answer to that, I can recommend the old short story “Nightfall” by Isaac Asimov.


    Herr D

    Someone asked me once why I think about aliens so much. I think I replied that I probably thought of humans as alien. I am certainly one of the most long-running cases of culture shock experienced by a native in his own country. I actually often suffer from ‘jamais vu.’ This phenomenon DOES make it easier to think of things no one else does. Like the following:

    In physics, there are certain problems that must be solved for a specific set of values, because they can’t be solved for ONE answer. One example is calculating central positions with a set value of gravity between three gravity wells. One possible explanation for this (if you bend your brain a bit,) is that the positions within the set are potential teleport hops. All you would need to do would be to link three gravitons, (if they exist,) within the set with certain frequency beams like positrons. The ‘engine’ that accomplished this linkage and whatever was attached to it would ‘blink’ randomly between those three points. So the cagey speedster would aim his beams wide apart, hoping the random hops would be far enough to cause great speed. Each hop would automatically change the trajectory of the beams, necessitating a computer to keep track of constellations and potential hops.
    The ship should look something like this for marketing purposes: the GTF Audahier
    Of course, the vehicle should only be able to blink between points with the same force of gravity found in the point of origin. That may mean waiting around until the right triangulation of three gravitons occurs. Which could, in theory, take forever . . . but at least it would be impossible to blink into something — that would be an unheard of gravity value.


    Herr D

    This jumped out at me. What if I were suddenly visited by an alien and told he needed land transportation? If the alien looked like this one, I KNOW I would first offer him my bike but call it a “Steinemmobile.”


    When would a fish need a bicycle? If the fish were: mentally and technologically advanced, unhindered by certain over-traditional notions of human culture, harried, and having had some bad luck. An alien or the perfect modern career woman. Interesting overlap.


    Herr D

    “We got a little nervous about Lab J. That thing that got loose? It chewed up the electric fence and a Saab before going back. Here at the Facility, though, we are NOT supposed to pry. So Bill and I walked out there and we saw this other creature. It played us a tape of their security guard saying everything was fine. It seemed to be doing his rounds. That’s good enough–we don’t need to worry, right?”


    I happen to think the first one of these, with the watch on the arm counting arrows, is scarier than the second. I’m interested to know whether people agree or disagree. If you feel strongly, PM me and tell me “watch” or “no watch” and why.



    Herr D

    Have you heard of phantom limb syndrome? It doesn’t sound like it might mean . . .


    Unfortunately I ran out of time on the pop quiz for submission and didn’t include limbs or a red mist protruding from the ‘splat.’
    For the public domain electrical-powered hero contest, I submitted her as a multi-tasker. Flying and force-bolts and heat lightning? Perhaps fighting a giant crab would come natural.


    At least the after-party would be well-catered, right?


    Herr D

    The Fetch, also posted in weapons category of forum.
    Launched using gunpowder from a one-shot tube, ideally the fetch would impale the shoulderblade of a deserting soldier. The cord drawn tight for incentive, the person holding the other end says “fight or die.” Since even the American military has shot deserters mid-battle to discourage desertion, I wonder why no one thought of these in the middle ages?


    At least grapefruit-size, I figure. The deserter would be down to one arm, and automatically defending a leader.

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