So here on What Were They Thinking? (the series where we look at the stupidest, most ill-advised things in all of comic book history) we talk about Marvel and DC a lot, and that's understandable. They are the Big 2, the comics publishers with the longest histories and the largest outputs of stories and behind the curtains politics to pull from when it comes to bad ideas. But that doesn't mean that indie comics are off the hook. No sir, they can be even worse at times *cough* Image *cough*. But today, instead of talking about the people you might expect, I've found something that really, really needs to be highlighted on this series. So we're going over to Broadsword Comics and their long running series; Tarot: Witch Of The Black Rose.
(Reader Discretion Is Advised)
Ok, before we start, I know next to nothing about this series. It was suggested that I cover it and after some research... well, I can't not do it can I? I mean, one of the first results when you type Tarot: Witch of The Black Rose in on Google Images is this for crying out loud.
And this is apparently a serious Fantasy-Action series and not a, what phrase did I use when we covered the Superman/Big Barda thing? Oh yes, a "piece of specialist literature for gentlemen".
Ok, so let's be honest here, this P.O.S contains so much nudity that it might as well be porn. From what I can find, there's only one recurring male good guy in the series, the main character is bisexual and every other major character who isn't related to the main character is a lesbian. And all the characters seem to be based on some sort of male fantasy. You've got the sexy witch, a female werecat, a sexy vampire goth girl cheerleader (that's a triple whammy that one), a voluptuous mother, an assassin called (and I'm not making this up) Latex Red. She looks like this:
Remember this is legitimately not a porno mag. Anyway, this character is a psychotic lesbian with MASSIVE TITS who dresses as a latex devil and hangs around with other assassins who dress like anime school girls. I repeat, this is not a porno mag.
So, do I need to go any further with explaining why this is a WWTT worthy comic? No? Well, I'm going to anyway. You see there's another reason why this series was suggested to me. My source couldn't remember which issue it was (or was too ashamed) and I haven't been able to track down the exact issue, but I have found multiple references to it, so I know this story exists. You see, when I find stuff to potentially write about for this series I'll note it down and put a little description to remind myself of why I'm covering it. Last week I put down Robin v. Robyn for DC's lawsuit against Rihanna. This week, my little reminder was (and I repeat I am not making this up and this series was not a porno mag) haunted VJ.
That is correct. This series ran a storyline where a woman had a visitation in her vagina. A manifestation in her muff. A haunting in her hoo-ha. A ghost in her gash. A phantom in her front entrance.
(Apologies, I just face-planted the keyboard.)
I'm so, so sorry. I know, I'm going to hell for that, but I couldn't resist. I'm still trying to comprehend the fact that a comic book publisher, a legitimate business for the purpose of making money, actually allowed a storyline to go through that would allow me to make those euphemisms. What Were They Actually Thinking? Not even Image (who by the time this series started in 1999 might as well have changed its name to the Cheesecake Factory, the amount of sex they used to sell their comics) would run a storyline like that. Marvel and DC, who both use rape as a way to make their series "more adult", would look at that and say "nope, we're not even publishing that on Epic/ Vertigo". It's like the plot of a no budget torture-porn film. And this series isn't supposed to be either horror or porn (apparently). There comes a point where you just don't know what to say because you can't comprehend what is happening. Oh and this series is still on going, it passed 100 issues last year. The writer/ artist (because of course he both wrote and drew this) had previously worked at DC on Catwoman (presumably that era is very easy to distinguish as it's the era when you couldn't see her face if she hung upside-down), Batman and Green Lantern. Oh and he worked on Vampirella too, so that explains a lot. You know, actually, I'm not surprised this got published, because I've just remembered that this dude is the owner of Broadsword Comics, so of course this would get through. If you can't get someone else to publish you "not porn honest" then just D.I.Y (which is the point of porn isn't it?).
Anyway, I think I'll cut this off here, before I actually lose my mind.
And with that
My… This is like, the Image of Image.
Is Latex Red’s signature move putting eyes out of intended victims with or crushing heads between those things? . . . this series does remind us why only people who belong in an industry should own a company in that industry.
A more thorough review of the story in question.
And Herr D, I think her most… prominent weapons were Nuclear breast implants. Chris Sims covered that one too.
@Bael- Thank you very much for that. I’m really glad I didn’t know exactly what that issue entailed before writing this now, because I have to remain PG (for the most part) when doing these and I highly doubt that would have been possible had I had that much information.
Let’s just say, Jim Balents, I declare you a Liefeld. You are that bad. Hang thy head in shame, snap thy pencils in half and may you never “write” another “comic” again until the day you die. And when that happens, don’t come back and haunt who ever gets your body parts. Cheers.
De nada. If I have to know these things, I’m happy to share the pain. Chris Sims talked about this series quite a bit before tapping out. His take downs are well worth the read. The whole series seems to be barking mad. As to Balents… well, it’s not my kink, but more power to him for getting paid to do what he clearly loves.
It’s to early for this, i can’t start drinking now!