Poll Position: Fantastic!

It's Mister Fantastic Day here at HeroMachine.com, and to introduce our Poll Position question, I want you to listen to the following thoughtful piece by Mr. Norm Macdonald on the naming of the foremost super family:

[hdplay id=1 ]

In light of that riveting discussion, our poll question is:


For those of you who can't access the audio, at great personal pain I have transcribed the entire sketch below.

Voiceover: The origin of the Fantastic Four! Our heroes, flying in an experimental rocket ship, are assaulted by cosmic rays. Upon landing they discover they have fantastic super powers! Now, let's listen in and discover how Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Johnny Storm, and Ben Grimm became the Fantastic Four!

Reed: OK, I was up all last night, and I think I've come up with a great name for the group. Since we all have such fantastic powers, I think we should be called the Fantastic Four!

Sue: Ooh, the Fantastic Four, I like that!

Johnny: I like that!

Reed: And I've come up with individual names as well, if I may. Ben Grimm, you are a rock like thing of a man, you will be called "The Thing"!

Ben: Great!

Reed: Sue Storm, you are a woman who has the power to make herself invisible, "The Invisible Woman" is your name from now on!

Sue: Good!

Reed: Johnny Storm, you are human, and yet you are a torch! The Human Torch!

Johnny: The Human Torch, ok!

Reed: And I, Reed Richards, can stretch my body like a rubber band. I will be ... Mister Fantastic! OK, let's get onto business. First order of business for the Fantastic Four --

Ben: Uh, Reed?

Reed: -- Dr. Doom has the entire world's plutonium supply and --

Ben: Reed? Excuse me for a second?

Reed: Yes Ben?

Ben: Uh ... ah, never mind.

Reed: What is it, Ben?

Ben: It's nothing, it's nothing.

Reed: Ben, we have to speak openly here.

Ben: Well, it's just about the names.

Reed: Uh huh, do you like yours, the Thing?

Ben: No, I'm fine with that, it just seems a little ... Well, I'm kind of a thing of a man, you're calling me The Thing. Sue's a woman who can become invisible, she's the Invisible Woman.

Reed: Makes sense.

Ben: Johnny's human, yet a torch, so he's the Human Torch, right?

Reed: Sure.

Ben: And you can stretch your arms like a rubber band, and you've made yourself Mister ... Fantastic.

Reed: Yes, that's fantastic.

Ben: Yeah.

Reed: Yeah.

Ben: Just ... seems a little ... odd. You know.

Johnny: Yeah ...

Reed: I don't understand the problem. I mean, we were all named after our power.

Ben: Yeah, but your power is to stretch like a rubber band.

Reed: Right, that's why I came up with the idea Mister Fantastic, it's a fantastic ability I have.

Ben: Right, no one ... no one's saying it's not fantastic.

Reed: I mean, many people, when they see me stretch, they often use that word, "fantastic!"

Johnny: I think what Ben's trying to say, Ben right, is that we all have fantastic powers, but we're called what we do.

Ben: Right.

Johnny: Yours is ... stretching.

Sue: Maybe Mister ...

Johnny: Stretch Guy!

Sue: Well, I was thinking Stretch.

Reed: But that's my name.

Ben: Right, El Stretcho!

Sue: El Stretcho!

Reed: No, no, no, not El Stretcho. No, it's Mister Fantastic, is my name, ok? Now if you guys have problems with your names, we can talk about it, my name is Mister Fantastic, let's talk about Dr. Doom.

Johnny: It's just not fair.

Reed: What? ...

Johnny: ... Ben, could ... right?

Reed: Fantastic is, uh, uh, an adjective that describes what I do!

Johnny: Well why aren't we adjectives?

Reed: You are! You're the Fantastic Four! You like that name, don't you?

Johnny: But individually --

Reed: Do you like that name?

All: Yes!

Reed: OK. So you like it when you're the Fantastic Four, but you don't like that I'm called Mister Fantastic?

Ben: Now Reed, just, just hear me out. We're the Fantastic Four.

Reed: Right.

Ben: You're MISTER Fantastic.

Reed: Right.

Ben: The Fantastic Four comprises The Thing, The Invisible Girl, The Human Torch, and ... Mister Fantastic.

Reed: Right.

Ben: Doesn't that seem a little odd to you?

Reed: What's odd about that? Just because my name's Mister Fantastic and the group's called the Fantastic Four, that's your problem?

Ben: In a nutshell, yes.

Reed: It's a coincidence!

Johnny: A coincidence you created.

Reed: There's only so many names ... (sigh) Look. The group's been named, OK?

Johnny: Why can't you be called like we are, what you do? What your power is?

Reed: OK, I think we're saying the same thing. I think we're saying the same thing.

Ben: OK, what are we saying?

Reed: We're saying we're fine with me being called Mister Fantastic, I mean in different words, right?

Ben: No, no! Reed, look, what we're saying is, you should be called Mister Stretchy Arms.

Reed: Listen, I, the name ... the thing is, the group has been named, ok, and that's it! It's in today's newspaper, as a matter of fact.

Ben: What do you mean it's in the newspaper?

Reed: Take a look!

Ben: "The Fantastic Four, headed by Mister Fantastic, will fight Dr. Doom today at 3."

Reed: There you go.

Ben: Byline by Reed Richards, aka Mister Fantastic.

Sue: What?!

Reed: That's a different guy, ah, I don't know who that is, and I don't know how the press get their sources, whatEVER ... Look, you don't want me to be called Mister Fantastic, I won't be called Mister Fantastic, OK? you can call me Mister Ass Face, that's where we're going.

Ben: Come on, don't.

Reed: No no, I'm changing my name! I'll phone the editor of the Times tomorrow and I'll say, hey, I'm changing to Mister Ass Face, uh, reprint all the papers, ok?

Johnny: We don't want this.

Ben: Come on, Reed.

Reed: We'll be Mister Ass Face and the Fantastic Three, and the press will have a FIELD DAY with that!

Johnny: If it's that important, you're Mister Fantastic.

Ben: Just be him, who cares?

Reed: OK! So I'm Mister Fantastic?

Ben: Yes.

Sue: Yes, you're Mister Fantastic.

Reed: All right, so I'm Mister Fantastic! Good. Good.

Ben: What should we do now, Mister Fantastic?

Reed: You don't say it like that! Do not say it like that!

Ben: All right, Mister Fantaaaaastic!

Reed: Oh ho ho, I see what you're doing, ok, ok!

21 Responses to Poll Position: Fantastic!

  1. Wade 2.0 says:

    Really funny. I like Rebound myself.

  2. Joshua says:

    Bah! The so-called, and inappropriately named, “Mr. Fantastic” is actually given a day here at HeroMachine.com? Hebert, you dare to insult DOOM! Where’s Doom’s day? I, Doom, am none too pleased about this! Doom is a doctor, while Richards? Merely a mister. So help Doom, Doom will rain down fire upon your heads until Doom is honored with a day at HeroMachine.com. Hebert, make it happen…or else!


  3. Runt82 says:

    I hope someone makes a character called Mister Ass Face in HM3 now. I’d try, but I lack good HM skills.

  4. Myro says:

    I’m pretty sure I actually called Reed Mr. Stretch Guy up until I was 7 anyway.

  5. Jack Zelger says:

    My little nephew made up names for them, too. I do think Stretch Man was used at one point. Also, even after learning Ben Grimm was “The Thing,” he preferred the original name he gave him, “Rock Boy”.

  6. Brad says:

    Mr. Ass Face leads by a mere 2%… clearly, telekinesis is superior to being rubberized.

  7. Oquies says:

    Mr. Ass Face seems appropriate. He sure acts like one. Reading the dialog by the way was much better then hearing it in my opinion.

  8. EnderX says:

    Wasn’t he officially called ‘Stretcho’? By Ben at least? I’m fairly sure that’s how I remember it…

    Oh, and Joshua(2)? The last I checked, Doom’s Day was running around in the DC universe.

  9. Great stuff. Also I like his name but it is A LITTLE selfish….Still nice find Jeff! You make my days less boring. *sigh* I miss my T.V….

  10. Myro says:

    Doom’s Day is also an official holiday in Doctor Doom’s homeland of Latveria.

  11. “El Stretcho”, the way “Sue” said it was perfect.

    Norm McDonald is so deadpan. Hilarious! Why wasn’t this ever an actual skit on SNL?

    This bit sounds like a focus meeting that I had the unfortunity in which to participate. That’s my new word “unfortunity.” Read it, say it, love it! That is all.

  12. Joshua says:

    Myro, is it? You are mistaken, for everyday is Doom’s Day in Latveria. However, what you’re thinking of is a mandatory observation where the slave-labor is permitted to don the visage of Doom for 24 hours, while their back-breaking misery is extended. It goes by the name, “We, The Unworthy, Are Graced By Our Master Doom To Commiserate His Struggles”. The fools are given the honor to understand–that is to say, if those blobs of tissue passing for their brains can truly scrounge up the neurons to do so–Doom’s life.

    Doom, of course, will eventually subjugate the world, but in the meantime, is it too much to ask that Hebert put aside a day to celebrate all that is Doom?


  13. Myro says:

    Atomic Punk (11): Unfortunity is now my new favorite word, replacing awkweird. As in, I had the unfortunity to come to work today while sick as a doqg.

  14. spidercow2010 says:

    Just got done decorating the Tree of Doom and hanging metal boots on the Mantle of Doom in hopes that St. Vic will fill them with …DOOM! Then, in the morning, we’ll begin again, for every day is jolly, jolly Doom’s Day here. Praise Doom!
    (kill me. please kill me now.)

  15. I got a great NEW name! “Mr. Flexiable!” O’ oo!!! Or “elongated fantastic guy”! Wow, those SUCK.

  16. Amscray says:

    In the spanish translated Marvel comics, the ever-lovin’ Thing is called “El Golem”. That makes a heckuva lot more sense than just an orange thingie. Which it probably is. Furthermore, on Reed’s case, it explains why Sue prefers flying fish to rubber. Just sayin’. Rebound indeed.

  17. Amscray says:

    My bro says that Reed is “Mr. Fantastic” simply because he is the BRAINS of the team. He makes the Kirby-esque gadgets and the building, and (besides Dr. Strange) is Marvel’s answer to Marvel-sized problems… Except Aunt May as Galactus’ Herald.

  18. Amscray says:

    (sorry for the triple-post, peeps:)

    Here she is, Aunt May, as Galactus’ Herald. NOT a What if!


  19. thejay says:

    I think it’s obvious he should be called Dr. Douche.

  20. Vampyrist says:

    To me the reason his name isn’t stretch based is because that is only part of his powers. The bulk of his usefulness comes from his intelligence so that should factor into his name. Those two things are hard to connect with a simple name, so he has a generic hero name which works.