Remember when walruses were cool? Me neither.

If ever an actual published comic book sounded like a truly bad "Champions" scenario, this is it:

Meanwhile the Beast's lecture was interrupted by a super hero wannabe, the bumbling Frog Man. Angel and Iceman came to Beast's side after the interruption and asked what Frog Man wanted. Frog Man told them he wasn't there to cause any trouble but wanted to join the Defenders.

I can see the earnest, sweaty GM huddled behind his screen, eyes peering out anxiously as he describes that scenario to his players. He can tell they're not really buying it -- Frog Man? All these people just happen to show up at a lecture at the same time? Pull the other one! -- so frantically he whips out his ace in the hole, the clincher he knows will bring his skeptical crew around to how awesome this campaign really is:

Hubert was excited to have his new powers and became the goofy menace known as the Walrus. He wanted to be the best mass destructionist in the world and started off by causing havoc at a Kwikkee Burger joint. His Uncle Humbert told the Walrus to head his way to Brooklyn University and destroy the world-famous Beast in combat. He wanted the Walrus to prove that he was the greatest product of modern science and the both of them would be famous.

With a trembling voice, he whips out the full color visual and announces "That's right, gentlemen, your awesome foe leaps from the shadows and announces, 'Beware the awesome menace of ... The Walrus!'"

Cue gales of laughter.

I'm glad the artist included the completely random rainbow coloring on the chest "W", as I don't think the "special" helmet, socks-as-mitten-gloves, furry unitard, and webbed claw booties quite nail the concept on their own, especially given how wrongly named he is. Because if any big, hairy, "proud" character were going to grace the pages of the comics, let's be honest -- he'd be The Bear, not the Walrus. And if you don't get that reference, good for you; stay sweet, kid.

(Image and character © Marvel Comics, Inc.)

17 Responses to Remember when walruses were cool? Me neither.

  1. Gargoyle323 says:

    “Goo Goo G’Joob…”

  2. Joshua says:

    I second that, Gargoyle.

  3. Jigglypuff says:

    a costume worth of a massive WTFage outrage!

  4. Why do I get the feeling that a lot of Marvel artists were snorting blow in a Studio 54 bathroom stall during the 70s?

  5. Laridian says:

    Did he get to fight the Eggmen?

  6. Shade2075 says:

    Was this after the Beatles sang ‘I Am The Walrus’?
    If its after not only is it hysterical, but it is a complete rip off ( Look at the cover of magical mystery tour).
    My other thought is WHY.

  7. Oquies says:

    I love his battle cry now I can’t wait to use it.

  8. redvector says:

    Look at some of the Defenders stories of the 70’s and early 80’s. They fought a group of villians called the Headmen. A guy with a human head and the body of a gorilla, a chic with the body of a supermodel but her head was a red globe with glowing eyes which could detach and fly around firing laser beams. And a sorceror whose brain got put into the body of a Bambi-like deer then got put into a monster with lampreys for arms.

  9. Owl_Poop says:

    I argue that Marvel became more style than substance abuse… excuse me, substance, and thus we have the one millimeter close to copyright infringement, The Walrus.

    But, who cares? It puts the comic in “comic book”, right? And also, with hellacious deadlines, even I would come up with asinine things like that. For example: I bought a Wolverine issue from the 90’s only because someone at Marvel thought he could be sneaky and have Logan fight the bad guys from the (anime/manga and two american version movies) series “Guyver”. Lack of imagination and storytelling ability? True. Did it look cool enough for a sale? Absolutely.

    Tusk ’em hard, Walrus. Woo – Woo.

  10. Owl_Poop says:

    This is why stuff like “The Tick” exists. 🙂

  11. The creator says:

    a kangaroo, a porcupine and now a walrus, can’t wait to see Marvels take on a hippopotamus…

  12. Mr. Q says:

    I thought John Lennon was the Walrus?

    I know, others have made the Beatles reference but I had to contribute too.

    Mr. Q

  13. DiCicatriz says:

    Marvel does have a Hippo themed super-villain!

  14. Owl_Poop says:

    Awesome!! They have this Avenger’s super-pets series out now, but they really should ressurect Kraven to hunt these other super-peeps down. Starting with the White Rabbit. Then he can go for The Owl. I’m not sure if The Mole Man would count, but he should be saved for last. This is funny. But it’s better than DC’s fascination with monkeys…

  15. Neon Sequitur says:

    I am the egg-man!

  16. knight1192a says:

    Ok, now what have we learned class? That’s right, too much acid while readin Alice in Wonderland and listening to the Beatles “Magic Mystery Tour” at the same time makes comic writers come up with the stupidest characters.

  17. @DiCicatriz: Thanks for the link.

    “He was a normal hippopotamus that was transformed into a humanoid hippopotamus by the High Evolutionary. His leg was bitten off by Mac Gargan/Spiderman now he and other victims band together to destroy him.”

    So you got this “High” Evolutionary running around in PINK armor turning hippos into unemployable schmucks who wear wife-beaters? Said unemployed Hippo joins a Twelve-Step program. Then the other characters EAT his leg!?!

    So Mac Gargan was sitting around one day all, “Dude, munchies. I could eat a horse.” Then, in his meth-induced haze, he thinks, “Dude! Hippo is Greek for ‘horse'”.

    Deadline nothing. That’s a flashback!