Poll Position: Villain cage match

Why restrict ourselves to comics when the world of geekdom is so much larger? So I didn't -- here's your poll position question of the week:


Discussion, as always, after the jump.

  • Bizarro: Superman's powers, Smurfette's brains. He'd sure be a wildcard, though I bet one of the "Great Leader" types would figure out a way to turn him over to their side to deal with Magneto or Megatron shortly before they cut his pasty white throat.
  • Cobra Commander: Let's face it, this guy is a wuss. He fights dudes who started out with brillo-pad hair, no genitals, and feet that spin 360 degrees, and still couldn't win. He'd be Vader-bait in two seconds flat.
  • Darth Vader: "Magneto, I am your father! **whoo haaa, whoo haaa**" Despite this Nazi-helmed, black-caped paragon of evil having fallen in the public consciousness to the point where he's co-starring in a Ben Stiller movie, for the love of all that's nerdy, let's not forget that at one time he was the terror of an entire galaxy. Although, having now seen him as a petulant, whiny, sullen teenager, frankly I wouldn't mind seeing his metal bits get torn asunder by an irate Magneto, who is rarely in a mood to tolerate jokes about his murdered parents. "Feel THAT Force, punk! And quit breathing on me like some phone pervert, it's creepy!"
  • Magneto: It's almost unfair having him in a combat that includes a giant robot Transformer and a cyborg Sith Lord, but I still think it'd be fun to see how this would play out. I could see one of the other "Great Leaders" using him to clear out the riff-raff before turning the decidedly non-ferrous Bizarro on his arrogant, mutant-loving keister.
  • Megatron: Were Magneto not involved, this much-derided transforming robot might have a chance. As it stands, though, I think the Mutant Lord would rather quickly be wiping metallic goo off his boot. "It transformed into tinfoil, how quaint."
  • Sauron: Please.
  • Voldemort: Double please.

I admit, I threw Sauron and Voldemort in there purely to make sure I had all the geek bases covered. Sauron's best trick was turning into a cloud and getting blown away after getting his butt kicked by a freaking hobbit, and Voldemort spent way too much time as a talking hunchback to be taken seriously. At least, in terms of a cage match; I'm sure both would be much more formidable with time and resources.

Anyway, looking over the list which, in my defense, was written very late at night after staying up reading the last installment of Jim Butcher's "Alera" series (which is awesome, by the way), I'd have to say the most likely candidate to emerge would, sadly, be Bizarro. The only other guy on the list with a chance to even hurt him would be Voldemort, as the Great White Blunder is vulnerable to magic, but I don't think He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken would last very long against everyone else.

Who do you think would win in this silliest of all slugfests?

16 Responses to Poll Position: Villain cage match

  1. J. Tester says:

    Sauron, all the way. I don’t know how on earth Darth and even Magneto got so far ahead of him, but they wouldn’t last 2 seconds against the Dark Lord of Mordor. Has anyone ever actually READ the Lord of the Rings and/or the Silmarillion? The “man” was beyond the scope of power available to even the greatest of the five wizards on Middle Earth. Those five wizards, by the way, were the physical vessels by which the Creator and his Valar (creator angels, of a sort) enforced their will and/or kept balance in the world of Middle Earth. Pretty darned powerful, if you ask me.

  2. violodion says:

    Melkor’s greatest lieutenant? Yeah, no contest.

    well, putting aside the dopey status as a plot device slash McGuffin-ry. Silmarillion was good for characterizing what all the grand characters were.

  3. DJ says:

    Voldemort. He would use magic to control Bizarros mind and wipe out any competition. He could easily handle Darth Vader by turning his own lightsaber against him and bringing the memories of his past flooding into his mind. And lets not forget he has a spell that kills people. Just BAM kills them dead. That would handle Magneto if Bizarro didn’t. Cobra Commander would die of fright. Megatron would be harder but if its a full on cage match the Mageneto would probably finish him off but if not I bet there are tons of spells that will. He could easily have Bizarro rip Megatron to shreds.

  4. thejay says:

    Voldmort/Sauron. If you read the books, you know that however narrow-minded and inresourceful in combat they seem to be, they’re survivor types. those bastards keep coming back. Sauron once got trapped on a sinking island – Numenor – and managed resurface in time for Isildur to cut his little finger, then survived for three f***ing more millenia. Voldo had seven magical insurance policies, and he only got whooped because of dumb minions and a damn lucky teenager (that’s coming from a fan of HP).

  5. Damien says:

    Well, for half of these, I have to ask–“Movie or original versions?” I’d vote David Prowse’s Vader over Hadyn’s any day, I horribly disliked the movie Megatron [“I can SMELL you, boy!” WTF?????], and “real” Magneto vs Ian McKellan? And like J Tester and Thejay said, immobile-eye LotR Sauron vs Silmarillion Sauron? Kinda hard to kill Sauron without his McGuffin…

  6. RSC5 says:

    After five minutes of splash-page battle, they settle down and decide to form an evil council.

    We’re fucked.

  7. John says:

    I literally LOL’d at RSC5’s answer. “The Brotherhood of E-vil Great Leaders!”

    LOL indeed!

  8. Hakoon1 says:

    Cage Match, eh? Magneto could smash everyone with the cage! He also could take off Sauron’s armour and smash him with it! He’d win! He’d take the wires out of Darth, leaving him to slowly suffocate!

  9. Worf says:

    Here’s how it would play out:

    IF we’re talking “Second age with the ring” (i.e. silmarillion) Then Voldemmort would start with “Avada Kev…” and get Mega Fraked by Sauron. Magneto would see this huge hulking metal robot and rapidly decide to shove IT around the room to crush all possibilities and then crush Megatron himself. So in the first few seconds we’re left with Magneto, Bizarro and Sauron. Now, as Magneto is powerless against the other two, one of them would crush him. Most likely Sauron just because of reaction time. Bizarro would still be thinking IF he was mad at being struck with the giant toy or happy that Megatron “decided” to come and play.
    And that’s the big toss up… Bizarro IS vulnerable to magic, but Sauron’s great weakness is the big fat shiny ring on his hand. IF Bizarro decides to “play” with it (ripping it off Sauron in the process) he wins. Otherwise Sauron wins. SO.. does Bizarro notice the ring in the frenzy of the battle (with people getting smashed to bits left and right) or not???? I think he’s still be trying to play with tin-foil-Megatron to react. Sauron WINS!

    ps.NOW if it’s LOTR-no-ring-Sauron then Bizarro all the way! (Voldemort would go down with Magneto’s first strike)

  10. Matt says:

    Magneto for me definatly, he could crush Cobra Commander, Voldemort and Bizzaro, he could rip Darth Vader in two due to his suit and metalic limbs, he could crush in Saurons armour and kill him that way (also ripping apart his ring) and as for the giant METAL! transformer Megatron (Enough said).

  11. DJ says:

    Voldemort would start by Avada Kedavaring every living being in there he could. That takes down Magneto,Bizarro,Cobra, Darth and possibly Sauron. Now he is left with Megatron whom he could use a transfiguring spell on.

  12. Bael says:

    First, Magneto uses Megatron to kill everyone vaguely human, including Sauron. Bizarro is probably too much for Megatron, and destroys him, then kills Magneto. Of course, bored now, he starts playing with that shiny gold ring…
    Sauron wins.

  13. Jose Inoa says:

    I voted for Magneto because, coming from the Marvel Universe, he suffers from Jean Grey’s Syndrome like everyone else. He could die… but he’ll just come back anyway. Voldemort would forfeit the cage-match and go sack a universe somewhere, leaving Magneto to take the championship belt, title, and show his gratitude to the fans by skewering them with the cage’s individual parts. ‘Nuff dead? I think not.

  14. William A. Peterson says:

    Bizarro, at least as long as he no am wanting to win!
    If he am wanting to win, him will not be, but so long as him am wanting to lose, Victory am certain! :->

  15. Frey says:

    Sauron, no question. Sauron was an all-powerful being that, even without the ring in his possesion, survived, and we’re also probably talking about Sauron as a person, because what cage is big enough to hold the black tower? Either way, since the ring cannot be destroyed unless it’s put in the lava in Mount Doom (Which does not really EXIST!), Sauron takes possession anyone who wins the physical battle, so either way, Sauron wins.

  16. godofplague says:

    if we swap megs for unicron then that would be a whole new game.

    I’m going vader force powers vs magic same deal.