Poll Position: On being the Mister

I admit, this week's Poll Position seems to be a little weak, powered by a lascivious fascination with the female form, but bear with me my friends, for there is some food for thought in the following conundrum:


Discussion after the jump.

Those of you in the reading audience will fall into two very different camps: Those who are or have been at some point married, and everyone else. It's like the other side of the event horizon on a black hole; you can't possibly know what's on the other side until you've been there, and once you go you can't ever come back. Keep in mind that I am indeed (very happily) married to a wonderful woman, so that's going to color my responses here. And honey, this is for entertainment purposes only, I of course would never choose anyone, no matter her super-powers, personality, or cleavage-revealing cut-out white clingy outfit, over you.

  • Black Canary: Ask Green Arrow what it's like to date Black Canary. He's got a secret memoir, to be published only posthumously, entitled "When the Wig Comes Off: My Life As a Battered Significant Other." Very sad. Plus, an angry wife screaming at you is bad enough without throwing super-powered voices into the mix. Trust me fellahs, you can't turn the football game up loud enough to drown out ol' BC.
  • Huntress: As a Catholic, Huntress could either shoot you herself with her well-worn crossbow, or have one of her multitude of mafioso relatives do it for her, then get it absolved in confession shortly thereafter. This is not a good combination in a spouse.
  • Kitty Pryde: How lazy do you have to be to not click on the Google search box and make sure you're spelling someone's name right? This lazy. I know, look away -- it's not pretty. Still, I've always like Kitty, if that's her real name and spelling; she had that innocent, honest quality that melts the hearts of nerds like me. Plus her powers are mostly non-lethal, so if she gets mad at you there's no, you know, crossbow bolt to the ol' block and tackle.
  • Lara Croft: On the plus side, Angelina Jolie. On the down side, Angelina Jolie. On the plus side, she'd bring home fabulous treasure and unimaginable booty, plus loot! On the down side, there's a better than even chance she'd club you to death with that ridiculous braid.
  • Starfire: An unbelievably gorgeous alien creature, totally dependent on you for the interpretation of Earth customs ("Why yes dear, it's perfectly normal for Earth females to bring their mates beer all day long, it's sort of expected"), who has the power to blast anyone who irritates you to smithereens. Plus she runs around all day in what can only be described as somewhat flimsy wrought iron underwear. Oh sure, she's got an entire space fleet trying to kill her (and presumably you as her husband or wife) but that's a small enough price to pay.
  • Sue Richards: If she's just divorced from Reed, forget it. I am not going to have the world's smartest ex-husband hanging around thinking up clever new nanobots to swim up through my shaving cream and making my nipples fall off or something. If he's dead and gone, that's something else again. Sue's nice and all, but she seems too weak-willed to me. Plus, come on, why have a wife you can't even see most of the time? Sure, if she was invisible to hearing, maybe, but as is -- no. That's like buying a Porsche that has the super-power to be a mini-van most of the time.
  • Supergirl: I lost track a long time ago whether she was a Protean shape-changer like Chameleon Boy, or Superman's Kryptonian cousin, or some sort of other freaky creature, but I am left a bit cold by the prospect of a spouse who could fly me into the Sun if she gets in the mood. But that's just me, I'm old fashioned that way.
  • The Wasp: Rich, fashionable, super-powered, and reasonably intelligent. In other words, High. Maintenance.
  • Wonder Woman: No way I'm marrying a woman who can a) tie me up and force me to tell the truth and b) has an entire island full of super-powerful man-hating relatives. The holidays are stressful enough, thankyouverymuch.
  • Xena: Hot? Check. Badass? Check. Awesome, revealing, titillating yet practical outfit? Check. Potential "bonus partner" aka Gabriella? Check. The only downside to marrying Xena would be that I'd probably explode every time I heard that cry, leaving the consummation of the vows very much in doubt.

One thing you have to consider in any of these cases, of course, is "What kinds of enemies are going to try to turn me into Aunt May to get a hold on my honey?" Sue Richards, for instance, has guys after her who can eat planets. That's not a good thing. Wonder Woman pisses off Ares, the god of freaking WAR. So does Xena, of course, but Hercules/Xena Ares is kind of a pansy compared to Wonder Woman Ares.

Plus, I have to confess, I have the hots for Xena. I may have mentioned this before, but my incredibly awesome wife threw a surprise "super-hero themed" party for my thirtieth birthday, where she dressed as Xena, and ever since then I get all shivery and quivery at the memory. Hubba hubba. So she'd definitely be my choice.

Who would you pick as your spouse, and why?