Poll Position: On being the Mister

I admit, this week's Poll Position seems to be a little weak, powered by a lascivious fascination with the female form, but bear with me my friends, for there is some food for thought in the following conundrum:


Discussion after the jump.

Those of you in the reading audience will fall into two very different camps: Those who are or have been at some point married, and everyone else. It's like the other side of the event horizon on a black hole; you can't possibly know what's on the other side until you've been there, and once you go you can't ever come back. Keep in mind that I am indeed (very happily) married to a wonderful woman, so that's going to color my responses here. And honey, this is for entertainment purposes only, I of course would never choose anyone, no matter her super-powers, personality, or cleavage-revealing cut-out white clingy outfit, over you.

  • Black Canary: Ask Green Arrow what it's like to date Black Canary. He's got a secret memoir, to be published only posthumously, entitled "When the Wig Comes Off: My Life As a Battered Significant Other." Very sad. Plus, an angry wife screaming at you is bad enough without throwing super-powered voices into the mix. Trust me fellahs, you can't turn the football game up loud enough to drown out ol' BC.
  • Huntress: As a Catholic, Huntress could either shoot you herself with her well-worn crossbow, or have one of her multitude of mafioso relatives do it for her, then get it absolved in confession shortly thereafter. This is not a good combination in a spouse.
  • Kitty Pryde: How lazy do you have to be to not click on the Google search box and make sure you're spelling someone's name right? This lazy. I know, look away -- it's not pretty. Still, I've always like Kitty, if that's her real name and spelling; she had that innocent, honest quality that melts the hearts of nerds like me. Plus her powers are mostly non-lethal, so if she gets mad at you there's no, you know, crossbow bolt to the ol' block and tackle.
  • Lara Croft: On the plus side, Angelina Jolie. On the down side, Angelina Jolie. On the plus side, she'd bring home fabulous treasure and unimaginable booty, plus loot! On the down side, there's a better than even chance she'd club you to death with that ridiculous braid.
  • Starfire: An unbelievably gorgeous alien creature, totally dependent on you for the interpretation of Earth customs ("Why yes dear, it's perfectly normal for Earth females to bring their mates beer all day long, it's sort of expected"), who has the power to blast anyone who irritates you to smithereens. Plus she runs around all day in what can only be described as somewhat flimsy wrought iron underwear. Oh sure, she's got an entire space fleet trying to kill her (and presumably you as her husband or wife) but that's a small enough price to pay.
  • Sue Richards: If she's just divorced from Reed, forget it. I am not going to have the world's smartest ex-husband hanging around thinking up clever new nanobots to swim up through my shaving cream and making my nipples fall off or something. If he's dead and gone, that's something else again. Sue's nice and all, but she seems too weak-willed to me. Plus, come on, why have a wife you can't even see most of the time? Sure, if she was invisible to hearing, maybe, but as is -- no. That's like buying a Porsche that has the super-power to be a mini-van most of the time.
  • Supergirl: I lost track a long time ago whether she was a Protean shape-changer like Chameleon Boy, or Superman's Kryptonian cousin, or some sort of other freaky creature, but I am left a bit cold by the prospect of a spouse who could fly me into the Sun if she gets in the mood. But that's just me, I'm old fashioned that way.
  • The Wasp: Rich, fashionable, super-powered, and reasonably intelligent. In other words, High. Maintenance.
  • Wonder Woman: No way I'm marrying a woman who can a) tie me up and force me to tell the truth and b) has an entire island full of super-powerful man-hating relatives. The holidays are stressful enough, thankyouverymuch.
  • Xena: Hot? Check. Badass? Check. Awesome, revealing, titillating yet practical outfit? Check. Potential "bonus partner" aka Gabriella? Check. The only downside to marrying Xena would be that I'd probably explode every time I heard that cry, leaving the consummation of the vows very much in doubt.

One thing you have to consider in any of these cases, of course, is "What kinds of enemies are going to try to turn me into Aunt May to get a hold on my honey?" Sue Richards, for instance, has guys after her who can eat planets. That's not a good thing. Wonder Woman pisses off Ares, the god of freaking WAR. So does Xena, of course, but Hercules/Xena Ares is kind of a pansy compared to Wonder Woman Ares.

Plus, I have to confess, I have the hots for Xena. I may have mentioned this before, but my incredibly awesome wife threw a surprise "super-hero themed" party for my thirtieth birthday, where she dressed as Xena, and ever since then I get all shivery and quivery at the memory. Hubba hubba. So she'd definitely be my choice.

Who would you pick as your spouse, and why?

21 Responses to Poll Position: On being the Mister

  1. The Imp says:

    I’ve gotta say, none of them appeal to me. I’d pick Elektra Natchios. But then I’m just sick like that. ๐Ÿ˜€

  2. Bael says:

    Sue Storm, for me. With one or two truly spectacular exceptions, she’s the most stable and sane of the lot. Now we wait for the deluge of Power Girl votes for the two most obvious reasons in all of comicdom.

  3. violodion says:

    As with any comic character, it rather depends on which writerโ€™s &/or artistโ€™s run with that character. Probably what ruins the โ€œbig nameโ€/iconic titles is the enormously uneven treatment of the characters. ๐Ÿ™

    Names which pop to mind:
    1โ€“ Jennifer Morgan from the Grell run of _Warlord_ (โ€œspell users do it with magicโ€)
    2โ€“ Tamara from the Grell run of _Starslayer_ (hottie with a gun!)
    3โ€“ Elektra from the Sienkiewicz-Miller run of _Elektra Assassin_ (crazy in the best possible way =:-o )

    Not familiar with the listed heroines…

  4. Worf says:

    Ok, first of all I’ll have to say the obligatory: You forgot POWERGIRL!!!!!!

    Now for my vote..Wonder Woman all the way. a Stunning, drop-dead gorgeous, ex-GODDESS, who can go toe-to-toe with Superman and loves little ol’ me? Count me in for all the marbles baby!

    Ok, so I have a little thing for her… So much so, in fact, I’ve already photoshopped my real wife’s face onto a drawing of Wonder Woman.

    And Jeff, I envy you. Your wife dresses as your fantasy super-hero? That’s like the Princess Leia bikini thing for Star Wars fans.

  5. J. Tester says:

    Of this group, I’d have to go for Wonder Woman. I like that she’s got spirit but still comes around to logic, even if it takes some time. The physique which can only be described as “Amazonian” is pretty nice, too. ^_^ But!
    Given a broader selection(forgive the pun), I’d take She-Hulk over the lot of them, any day. A brilliant mind, great sense of humor, not afraid to get dirty (literally AND in other ways ๐Ÿ˜‰ and her gargantuan, emerald-skinned, statuesque hulk form? Frickin’ HOT. *salivates a bit*

    Uuuhhh, err… I’m not a fanboy or anything, I just like the color green, is all….. I swear…. ^_^

  6. DJ says:

    Kitty Pryde for one reason. Lockheed. Come on I mean A DRAGON AND A HOT GIRL!

  7. amathakathi says:

    i’ll have to go with lara croft on this one – and not the angelina jolie version, but rather the michael turner comics. Boy could that man draw…
    Though Sue Storm was a close second, F4 was pretty horrible, but Jessica Alba practically made it worth it!

  8. John says:

    Wonder Woman! Tie me up, baby!

    (oh, be-HAVE…!)

  9. DJ says:

    Hehe I could imagine naughty time with The Invisible Woman

  10. Runt82 says:

    I’m going with Kitty Pryde as I think she comes with the least number of “issues” of those mentioned on the list.

  11. Cavalier says:

    I have a 20 year crush on Shadowcat, so there is no way I could vote any other way. Cute, sweet, and no powers or enemies of mass destruction.

    Most of those women are high maintenance. Black Canary, Huntress, Lara Croft, and Wasp would hardly be around; and don’t you dare ask them to tone back their work. Xena and Gabriel are already a ‘couple,’ even ignoring lesbian undertones. Sue Richards just seems so bland. Starfire is hot, but rather odd, such as her reputation to kiss people with little reason. I’m not sure what Supergirl IS anymore.

    Any of them would be fun to DATE, but for settling down I can’t disappoint Kitty.

  12. Damien says:

    Starfire, but I have a thing for the “confused foreign girl” type. And red hair. Besides she’s got that uber-happy naivete thing going, and that can be really fun. Too many of the others are “caught up in their work”, where Starfire just wants to have fun in between smashing enemy galactic civilizations. I can see picnics and nature walks with Her, but most of the others–WAY too serious all the time.

  13. Zorbas The Awesome says:

    STARFIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE its a GORGEOUS ALIEN!!!!!!!! She doesnt know earth customs….(ahem) ANYTHING could be an earth custom to her!!!!!! AND if somebody annoys me…ZZZZAP dead annoyance!!!!

  14. Joshua says:

    Like you, Jeff, I’m ultimately choosing my own wife ๐Ÿ™‚

    But for the sake of this poll let us examine a crucial factor in choosing our better (…and in this case it’s true.) halves: sex. And not to worry, I assure all of you this post will be in good taste and professional. Do you all remember Larry Niven’s essay, “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”? I figure the reverse is applicable, and as such should give you pause to consider narrowing your list. For instance, a few of these ladies possess super-strength. That’s a no-no right there. Why? Well, chew on this for a bit: Say your superlady is in the throws of…”passion”, and being unable to control herself maims you in the process. “Oh honey, if it’s any consolation, you were the best lay in the 28 known galaxies.” Wam-Bam, no thank you, ma’am. As for the others? Well, take in consideration what Jeff said: who wants to be on THEIR bad side? Yeah, Sue is a risk. I’d hate to piss her off and she wrap an invisible field around my head or give me a stroke. But the reason I can’t choose Xena is because I believe she prefers “snu-snu” with the other team. Don’t see any bonus partner benefits there, because I think the other one would attempt to emasculate you if you suggested it. I say attempt, fellas, because (…I can only speak for myself) while I enjoy the art of romance and seduction with my wife and can be a sensitive type, I sure as hell wouldn’t punk out for anyone, let alone an amazon. ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. Excession says:

    What’s this, Atom Eve and Dupli-Kate not even on the list? Shame.

  16. Timespike says:

    What about Black Cat?

  17. Timespike says:

    Be that as it may, I’d rather be married to the REAL woman I am than some crazed super….

  18. Runt82 says:

    Any married man who says they’d pick their wife is copping out. I’m married as well, but I made a choice. Man up, fellas. ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. kryptkal says:

    My knee-jerk geek reaction is to go with Wonder Woman because…well come on! Do I want the incredibly hot and strong (both physically and mentally) goddess of a woman in love with me, out of all the men she kind of swore not to associate with? Ummmm, HELL YES! However, I am a bit of a realist and while I may fantasize about Wonder Woman (don’t judge me), the reality is that I’d more likely go for and be much happier with a more normal and stable girl like Kitty Pryde. She’s got that quaint girl-next-door feel and is incredibly cute. Besides, one major downside for me is that Wonder Woman is immortally young. That would disturb and worry me too much if I wasn’t too. So, Shadowcat all the way.

  20. DJ says:

    I could never choose Wonder Woman. The whole lasso of truth thing would suck. *lassos you*”So what did you get me for my birthday?” or “Do these pant’s make my butt look big?” It would be a painful death.

  21. John says:

    Well played, DJ. Well played indeed!