Caption Contest 55: Badgering the witness

No, that's not a euphemism, it's the subject of this week's triumphant caption contest return! Come up with the best replacement dialog for the empty word balloon below and you'll win* either a) your choice of three items to be included in HeroMachine version 3 (subject to copyright laws) or b) I'll draw your face and put it in HeroMachine 3 for all the world to make into super-heroes! Here's your challenge:

(Edited to Add: Keep it clean, folks. We're going back to the PG-13 ratings, stay within the bounds of what you'd hear on a network TV sitcom. Innuendo is one thing, but outright four-letter-wording and such is going to get your entry discarded. Remember, kids read this.)


Leave your entry or entries in the comments to this post and next Tuesday I'll pick a winner. Good luck everyone!

*I'm not doing the custom illustration this week because I'm swamped and all my drawing energies are going into HeroMachine 3, so apologies if that's a disappointment, but it's the way things have to be for a bit.

(Image and characters ©2009 by Bill Willingham and DC Comics, Inc. from "Fables" number 82.)

59 Responses to Caption Contest 55: Badgering the witness

  1. coyote ytmn says:

    1 no no no you turn out fine! its your kids some things got to be done about your kids!!

    2 yes yes im a talking badger now give me all your cash now!

    3 wow white whitch you let you self go affter the first war .

  2. Damien says:

    1] Now listen here, Aunt May–give me what I came for or I gnaw off something important! [YES, I know it’s not Aunt May…]
    2] I’ll show you how much wood a woodchuck can chuck!
    3] Excuse me, but do you have any place to hide a hairy four-foot pianist?
    [we’re still on unlimited entries, right?]
    4] Lady, that wig you’re sporting is made of MY hair–and I want it back!
    5] My, grandma, what big glasses you have!

  3. D says:

    1)No! It’s my word! I had it first!
    2)I’m an early settler. Get it? settler…oh,never mind.
    3)Why are you so surprised? All animals talk in fairytales! Come to think of it, they talk in English too!
    4)I’m from Badgers’Drift. (Fans of Midsomer Murders will know what I’m referring to).
    5)I’m lost. Do you know the way to Ratty and Mole’s house?

  4. miggo says:

    1. Look! Invisible flute! *pllll*
    2. See? The cheeseburger was thiiis big!
    3. Never eat yellow snow.

  5. Rick says:

    1. Let me test these for freshness… good enough!
    2. Pardon me, bestiality. for or against?
    3. Do you have any idea what I could do with these whiskers? Let me give you a hint….

  6. Merrick says:

    1) Seriously … the blue pill?

    2) Hey grams did you eat those mushrooms of mine?

    ( sorry if #2 that is out of bounds )

    3) Let me show you the true power of the dark-side

    4) Like you have never seen a beaver before?

    5) ….. and this is where you are supposed to say “My Word” ACTION!

    6) Look lady i know what you are after, i am NOT your next handbag ? UNDERSTAND!

  7. Danny Beaty says:

    (Deleted by Jeff for inappropriate content. This is a family-friendly blog, mostly, and almost all of these were over the line. Sorry Danny.)

  8. Jonny Demon says:

    1. Honk,honk!

  9. 1. Either tell me where Liefield is or ill BADGER YOU ’till you DO!!!!

    2. (Deleted by Jeff for inappropriate content.)
    *discredit #2 if thats a little to much*

    3. Have you heard, The Good News?

    4. I know, 11 INCHES

  10. The Imp says:

    1. I won’t let it get weird, mama…

    2. No way these are fake!

    3. …So then I told him, Jerry, it’s never gonna work, we’re from two different worlds.

    4. Wipe that smirk off your face or I’ll wipe it off for you!

    5. Whose word was that again?

  11. Niall Mor says:

    I’m sorry, you must be looking for that Geico lizard. He’s down the hall.

  12. Damien says:

    I’m gonna mention this since Jeff apparently forgot to mention it this week–but generally this is a family-friendly blog. You need to keep this PG-13 or lower, please!

  13. Jeff Hebert says:

    Thanks Damien, good call.

  14. Dan says:

    1) So, yeah, the paternity test results came in, it turns out I’m not Peter’s real father.

    2) Whatever you do, don’t let Jeff test out the new Heromachine on you!

    3) Little Jimmy has fallen down the well again!

    4) Run! Save yourself! I’ve… Got… Fleas…

  15. Danny Beaty says:

    @Jeff: No need to be sorry. It’s just a contest.

  16. Rick says:

    Imp, your #1 had me rolling! Classic!

  17. JR says:

    wow Martha Stewart, even you can’t outrun aging, That’s why I’VE got WRINKL-X !

  18. JR says:

    wow Martha Stewart, even YOU can’t outrun AGEING, that’s why I’VE got WRINKL-X!

  19. JR says:

    sorry for the double post my computer isn’t feeling good so sorry.

  20. JR says:

    EHH! BABE….you are 3 puffs from a FRUITCAKE!

  21. Ghôst says:

    A) Don’t worry, the kings and queens of Narnia will grant you safe passage!

    B) How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?

    C) How many times do I have to say it lady!? I’m a BADGER not a RABBIT!

  22. DJ says:


  23. epochfox says:

    m’lady there is something that I must tell you. For years I have watch your quiet beauty in solid silence but no more! I love you! I can’t live another day without you! If you say no, I will crawl into my hole and die a slow painful death. Please….. say you love me

  24. Paul says:

    1) Listen lady for the last time I am not the gopher from Caddy Shack!

    2) Hey grandma do you remember the game “Tune in Tokyo”?

  25. Gabriel says:

    “Not in those shoes lady. We have a strict dress code”

  26. Dane Bramage says:

    Well I may be 49 years old but I’m not the oldest beaver here!

  27. Runt82 says:

    1) I iz hungreh. I can has cheezburger?

  28. Runt82 says:

    2) Badger…Badger…Badger…Badger…Mushroom…Mushroom!

  29. Cory says:

    1. You’ve got a lovely buncha coconuts.

    2. Don’t worry, I’ve been practicing.

    3. The word of the day is ALZHEIMER’S, can you say ALZHEIMER’S?

    4. Did you hear that Jeff is censoring the posts again? Freakin’ kids!

  30. Steve says:

    1. (Edited for inappropriate content)

    2. …and so THATS what they call a Prince Edward.

    3. …and that’s how I won the fair maiden’s heart and saved the world!

    4. …that’s when I took off his mask, and revealed that it was really Old Man Winters!

  31. Runt82 says:

    Warning: Massive Explosion of Cheesy Pick-Up Line Ahead.

    3) Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he’s missing an angel!
    4) If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
    5) Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on Earth!
    6) Your daddy must have been a baker, because you’ve got a nice set of buns.
    7) Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
    8) Your name must be Mickey because you’re so fine.
    9) Your daddy must be a hunter because he sure caught a fox!
    10) Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call FINE PRINT!
    11) If you were a bag of chips and I was a car battery, you’d be Frito Lay and I’d be Eveready.
    12) I’m a Love Pirate, and I’m here for your booty! ARRRGGGHHH!!!
    13) You must be a magnet, because it looks like you are attracted to my buns of steel.

  32. Runt82 says:

    I did it again… 8) is supposed to be #8.

  33. Loki says:

    Madame, you are *not* crazy! your in Disneyland!

  34. Loki says:

    you see Alice, even rabbits change species here in wonderland!

  35. Bael says:

    Badger? I don’ need no stinkin’ badger!

  36. Socrates says:

    I don’t know how to say this, Granny, but you’ve got a lump on your breast.

  37. ninjast4r says:

    “Vote for Willy Weasel! If I get elected mayor, I promise that my first act is to kill the whole lot o’ ya, and burn your town to cinders!”

    “Lady, do you know what kind of animal I am, because I sure as hell don’t!”

    “Help, help, Rob Liefield is drawing again! Soon everything will be horribly out of proportion and no one will have feet!”

  38. Blue Blazer says:

    1) How much for three hours?
    2) Badgers!? We don’t need no stinking badgers!
    3) Oh…uhhhh…this is how badgers…um…say hello?

  39. Blue Blazer says:

    Change my #2 to “Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior?”

  40. MCTales says:

    Its my word against yours!

  41. Dan says:

    Oh and here’s another one. Maybe a bit of an obscure reference but it’s one I’ve never forgotten…

    “Wait! That is no orc horn! Open the gates!”

  42. Steve says:

    Im mad that you edited my #1 Jeff…it was hilarious…or so I thought.

    5. …and thats when Sarah decided that Timmy just wasn’t fit to be the father!

    6. Just throwing it out there….but Im pretty good with my tongue…

  43. StrangezThingez says:

    1) You are NOT hallucinating.
    2) Pardon me, does this happen to be your word?
    3) Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…
    4) This is my house and you follow MY rules, granny!
    5) There’s some dirt on your clothes. Here, let me just sweep it off…
    6) I don’t know, but I feel so intense right now…

  44. TheNate says:

    And I said to Jeff: All those animal heads in HeroMachine 3, and you couldn’t include a badger?

  45. Sol-leks says:

    I’ll punch you straight in the boob

  46. TheNate says:

    … and it’s because of my grandfather that they call that scam a “Badger Game.”

  47. TheNate says:

    But most of the people at Tax Day Tea Parties don’t realize that they will actually pay less under Obama’s plan.

  48. Xstacy says:

    Then he says, “We call it the Aristocrats!” and King Peter struck him dead. Just absolutely smote him!

  49. Hakoon1 says:

    1) Lady, you do not wanna go in your toilet.
    2) For the last time, you don’t say “My word” you say your words!
    3)My fantasy mind warriors will protect us from harm!
    4) No! It’s MY WORD!

  50. HalLoweEn JacK says:

    1, … and that’s when they realised I wasn’t actually the Marquiss, and they threw me out of the ballroom!

    2, … but even once I took off my mask they STILL didn’t believe that I was a badger.

  51. HalLoweEn JacK says:

    3, …so there I am falling to my death when I see this other badger. I yell out “do you know anything about parachutes?” and HE yells back “NO! Do you know anythign about gas cookers?”

  52. HalLoweEn JacK says:

    4, I’m sorry to say, this doesn’t look good. The Judge won’t stop laughing when I object to prosecution badgering the witness.

  53. HalLoweEn JacK says:

    5, …Actually I’m a kind of Chimera. Body of a badger, brain of a human, and with you around, part of me resembles a horse!

  54. HalLoweEn JacK says:

    6, Look snow white, the dwarves are dead, SOMEONE has to wear the clothes!

  55. StrangezThingez says:

    7) Ma’am, I’m paying you $30,000 so that I can touch you real good. Okay?
    8) This is an offer you can’t refuse! Has anyone come up to before to tell you that they’re gonna give you children?
    9) Sometimes meeting youngsters slows the juices… If you know what I mean.
    10) Don’t mean to be offensive, but you seriously need LifeAlert or no one will know when you croak.
    11) I’m gonna take you on a ride tonight, baby!

  56. D says:

    6) (To paraphrase a line from Fiddler on the Roof)

    So? Am I so much to look at? The way you see, and the way I look, we’re a perfect match!

  57. TheNate says:

    You heard 50 Cent got shot nine times? I’m the bad-badger who did it.

  58. almost insane says:

    Aunt May got quite a shock when she saw uncle bens reincarnation

  59. Steve says:

    7. So online you said you looked like a mix of Carmen Electra and Gina Gershwin…but honestly…you look too old.

    8. Ok, face it, we both lied about our appearances, but I thought you said you were a cougar!

    9. (Variation of 8) Hey babe, I know we stretched the truth about our appearances a little bit, but at least I TOLD you that I was a filthy animal.

    10. I want to father the demon spawn inside you!