Poll Position: The recession-proof job position

No one likes to be unemployed, and with jobs crashing faster than NASCAR drivers on ice skates, a good position is hard to find. Luckily super-villainy never goes out of style, so you've got your choice of employers as a low-level gang member. Rent's due in a month, so who would you sign up with?


Discussion after the jump.

First, boundless thanks to super-genius and good buddy John Hartwell for thinking up this week's Poll Position while I was creatively bankrupt. I think it's a beaut, and I can't wait to look at my exciting opportunities in the fast-paced world of criminal mastermindery.

  • Cobra Commander: On the plus side, COBRA is clearly a large organization, and you're likely to get some decent benefits. On the negative side, Cobra Commander is pretty demanding, and seems like the kind of boss who wouldn't think twice about sending you out to do their laundry or whatnot, and he's likely to kill you for defiance if you get the wrong kind of starch for his jodhpurs.
  • Dr. Doom: Working for a monarch has some great perks, like the right to boss servants around the castle and probably to get your tavern tab comped at the Latverian Inn. On the downside, he's likely to kill you for offending his ego, which is despairingly easy to do.
  • Galactus: Galactus doesn't really have a "gang", just a Herald, so in that sense you're in the money -- free super powers! However, he's likely to eat your planet and, should you protest, you as well, which is a bad way to go.
  • The Joker: They say a good sense of humor is one of the most important attributes a boss can have, and you're definitely covered on that score. However the "Employee Handbook" indicates he's like to kill you at any moment just, and I quote, "for the hell of it".
  • Kingpin: You want a boss with a strong head for business and a proven track record of bringing in the cash, which Kingpin definitely has. However if you mention his wife, or women in general, or carbonite, or Walt Disney being cryogenically frozen, he's likely to kill you in a heartbeat.
  • Lex Luthor: When considering a career in low-level thuggery, you want some sort of retirement plan in case you ever "go legit". LuthorCorp certainly offers an abundance of such opportunities, which is great. However, he's likely to kill you without warning if you scuff one of his shiny new inventions.
  • Two-Face: Your odds of catching him on a good day are fifty-fifty, which is a heckuva lot better than it is with most bosses. Unfortunately if you get him on a bad day, he'll kill you.

So there you have it, some really golden opportunities for a life of thuggish crime. I'm tempted to work for Cobra Commander, because at least you get some good weapons training and the basics of a military education, which would serve you well if you needed to leave for another job with, say, a third world country or at the Post Office. I like the idea of super powers inherent in being a Herald of Galactus, too, plus you can't beat the chance ot travel to strange, exotic, exciting new worlds and eat them. It'd be awfully lonely, though.

Ultimately I think I'd have to go with Kingpin for job stability. Plus I hate cold weather, so I would be unlikely to make unfortunate references to his frozen wife.

Who would you rather work for?

31 Responses to Poll Position: The recession-proof job position

  1. Joshua says:

    Gonna have to go with Galactus. The way I figure it, there are two perks: 1). Jeff already mentioned being augmented with para-human abilities, which when the time comes to defy Galactus (…and it will happen eventually.), you’re going to need ’em. 2). Come on, you can’t beat the travel itinerary. The universe holds some rare wonders and if you thought the Grand Canyon was breath-taking, well…you have seen nothing yet. Now, I will address the ‘herald’ issue. There are millions of uninhabited worlds cluttering the cosmos and I’d rather play galactic roadside clean-up than Zagat’s to the embodiment of global armageddon. There’s my two cents.

  2. DJ says:

    Galactus. He can have my planet if I get super powers. I’ll even pour some ketchup on it for him.

  3. John says:

    That’s cold-blooded, DJ. Cold-blooded!

  4. Hades says:

    Galactus, pretty much everything has been said for me already.

  5. Runt82 says:

    I chose Cobra Commander. I mean, who wouldn’t want the chance to have their head crushed between Scarlett’s thighs?

  6. DJ says:

    I want superpowers! And if he doesn’t like ketchup I’ll find him something else! I mean heck…humans are cool and all but like you said there are other planets out there.

  7. Nimbus says:

    I had to go with Galactus as well (for the reasons above). You don’t just get low-level superpowers as a herald – you get ultra mega powers that make you one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy. Mwuhahaha!

    Still, Galactus’ heralds are a bit of a cheat. If we were talking about non-superpowered hireling types, I always fancied being in A.I.M. as a power-hungry scientist. Maybe it’s the beekeeper uniform that appeals?

  8. EnderX says:

    And, ironically given the discussion here, it’s because Galactus promised his planet would -survive- that Norrin Rad chose to become the Silver Surfer.

    Fisk might be nice, but mess up and things tend to go nasty for you. He’s not very forgiving (“Understatement of the year award goes to…”), although he does seem to have some sense of honor.

    Jeff, if I choose Lex Luthor, can I go work for Lexcorp as a normal employee instead of as a general generic thug?

  9. HalLoweEn JacK says:

    Wow – the fact that the joker is winning so far is… a little disturbing.

  10. weirdo says:

    i would not want to work for Fisk. i just couldn’t handle it. to much presser and well… dare devil scares me!!(and so does the Punisher, can you imagine going up against that phyco!)

  11. Moonshade says:

    My choice has gotta be Galactus. Super powers and the ability to travel the universe, sign me up.

  12. Danny Beaty says:

    I pick Galactus because he has the power to put boots and gloves in the HM3 alpha, and the ability to color the white webbing paterns.

  13. collex says:

    I would go for Doom. Awesome living quarters, a lot of advantages, Lavteria seems like a very nice country and the paycheck must be niiiiice.

    But I agree with Halloween Jack: I never understood what wacko would want to sign up with a deranged clown.

    By the way Jeff, what happened with my suggestion? Are you saving it for later or has it just not inspired you? You can tell me, I won’t be upset at all. I’m just curious;)

  14. Kalkin says:

    Galactus is the best employer. He is just uncaring for his servants. Working for a lunatic like Joker or Twoface can end very badly even before meeting a hero. Cobra is also a bad job, because that organization always developes lots of openings. Dr. Doom can kill you any moment, if you are not very careful at what you say to him and Luthors lakeys have a nasty habit of winding up as guiney pigs. The Kingpin’d be the best boss, but you’d have to get used to regular beatings in the hands of Spider-man and Daredevil. Avoiding beatings in the hands of middle class superheroes is another plus for Galactus.

  15. HalLoweEn JacK says:

    *lol* Kalkin nailed it!

  16. Fishpants says:

    Based on the 80s TV show (vs. comics) I have to go with Cobra Commander. These guys shot and were shot at constantly, but nobody on either side would even get wounded. Every time a Cobra plane blew up, you’d see that parachute right afterward, so even those guys didn’t die. So basically you can be completely incompetent and you still won’t get killed, plus I hear they have good dental.

  17. HalLoweEn JacK says:

    Another reason to vote for Galactus is, while all the other villains exist within the usual moral framework of humanity and are therefore ‘bad guys’ or ‘evildooers’, namely, selfish bastards, Galactus is the manifestation of a cosmic force and outside the framework of morals as humans understand them.

    Hence, the death of planets isn’t quite as evil as Luthor’s real estate scams or Kingpins domination and depression of urban slums.

  18. Jeff Hebert says:

    That’s an interesting take, Halloween Jack. I’ll have to think about that, but my gut reaction is that there’s no way eating an entire planet full of billions of sentient life forms is less evil than scamming some people out of real estate money …

  19. Xstacy says:

    If you wanted to, you could explain away the evil *most* villains do as (in their own eyes) necessary, the lesser of two evils, or outside the usual moral framework. Just depends how bad you want to twist things.

    I think I’d go for Cobra, because, hey–all the Crimson Guard have college degrees. It’s a higher class of thug. And I’m not quite greedy enough to sacrifice entire inhabited worlds (and they *have* to be inhabited for Galactus to eat them; lifeless worlds don’t give him what he needs) just for super powers that ultimately don’t make me any more effective than low-powered heroes.

    (Sure, the Surfer wins fights. That’s because he’s a good guy now. He didn’t win so much when he was still the Herald, and the other Heralds have frankly crappy track records against any hero they meet, regardless of power.)

  20. Timespike says:

    Luthor. If I can survive long enough and get some good skills and experience under my belt, maybe I can use my fantastic resume to get a job with WayneTech later, which would be really sweet.

  21. violodion says:

    Galactus, no contest.

    see also, Epic Illustrated #26 thru #34

  22. Mr. Q says:

    Gotta vote for the devourer of worlds on this one. The other choices have a retirement plan that, lets face it, kinda sucks. O_o With Big G, you get free powers and you race through the cosmos. Of course, Earth becomes his next meal but its not like it was gonna get better with age. ^^;

    Maybe you’ll hit a planet full of hot amazon babes. Just make sure you keep it to yourself. 😉

  23. von Bek says:

    Cobra for me, the chance to hang out with Storm Shadow!(when he isn’t on the other side)

    Plus I can apparently appear to be a normal accountant, but really I’m one their “highly trained” Crimson Guard. Maybe if I get too good, I can go freelance (like Destro) or skip sides (like Storm Shadow).

  24. Jose Inoa says:

    Ugh… I’m with the Galactus Standby Heralds Union. The retirement plans are pretty good, and there are plenty of Lucky-Charm Stars out there for Big Purple to feed on.

    I just can’t work for earth-based organized crime syndicates, or the podiatrist. I might end up trapped in a power crystal machine or something. Besides, Doombots don’t have a moral compass.

  25. DJ says:

    Good point about the Doombots Jose…maybe I’d fit in better with Doom.

  26. weirdo says:

    you no the fact that most ppl are saying that they are voting for Galactus ad the joker is well…bad…and i almost voted for Lex but know that i thing about it…he SUCKS!i mean how many time has superman stopped his plans?

  27. Xstacy says:

    Well, that’s true, weirdo, but it’s not all bad working for Lex. I mean, if you’re an hourly wage slave, you get paid the same whether the plan works or fails. And Superman won’t kill you, or even knowingly let you die under a falling building, so you’ll still be alive at the end of the job, probably. And his plans seldom involve sending hirelings to perform mass slaughter, so you’d have a cleaner conscience than some.

  28. Jeff Hebert says:

    The whole issue of who you’re going to be expected to fight is an excellent one. Xstacy’s got a great point about working for LexCorp — Superman’s not going to let random goons get smashed by falling rubble if he can help it.

  29. John says:

    Daredevil, however, *will* beat the snot out of a wide variety of Fisk goons on a regular basis, so it’s a good point to take that into account as well!

  30. Bael says:

    The Heralds of Galactus have the lowest mortality rate of the bunch, and the best upward mobility. Terrax is the only one I know that isn’t at least an honorary good guy these days. Though I have no idea about the current model. And anyway, talking monkeys are highly overrated. There are always more.

  31. haz says:

    I hadn’t considered the “likelihood your enemy will kill you” angle, but it’s a good point. I go with Luthor because, well, I almost always go with Luthor anyway. But here, there are more opportunities to go legit and I’m pretty sure he’d fund my PhD so I wouldn’t have to be some university’s indentured servant.