Sons of Scissorhands

We all know Tim Burton was doing serious weed when he created "Edward Scissorhands", and we all remember what difficulties that lovely fictional character had just trying to perform everyday tasks. So why in the name of the dainty-footed Buddah would Image Comics make two blade-fingered dimwits in the same comic?


The first dashing young cutlery-digited "hero" there is Wolverine Ripclaw and the second is Wolverine Ripclaw Warblade. You can tell they're different because Warblade has a gigantic horse tail sticking out of the back of his skull and wears blue-green, while Ripclaw also has a giant horse's tail sticking out of the back of his skull, but he's wearing regular blue! A lesser audience would miss those subtle tell-tales, but Image knew even then it was attracting the cream of the crop.

The other thing they both have in common, of course, is that instead of fingers they have giant finger-ish metal claws. You might wonder how metal finger-claws bend at the joints to allow their owner to, you know, perform the kind of basic tool-manipulation that distinguishes us from our simian relatives, but you're missing the point -- you stab and slash and kill with finger claws, while regular fingers are only good for gouging out eyes! Duh. Clearly you do not have what it takes to be a creative Image genius.

Rest assured, though, that much gut-stabbing and flesh-rending occurs in this book. And it's always accompanied by a multi-toothed grimace of either pain or disgust at their own inability to wipe in a sanitary fashion because, hey, toilet paper and metal claws don't mix.

Maybe that's what the super-duper long pony-tails are for?

Great, now I wish I had giant metal finger-claws so I could gouge out my own eyes in an effort to get that mental image out of my head. Blech!