Monthly Archives: April 2008

Belch Man also works …

This may be the greatest bad super of all time. Or the baddest great super, I can't decide.

Gasbag

How can you not love a giant, inflatable guy named "Gasbag" whose power is to belch out various noxious clouds, accompanied by an explosive FRAAAPPP? I mean, we're all either working alongside or related to someone exactly like this; let's just be thankful the real life versions don't actually wear spandex, or they wouldn't be the only ones hurling at supersonic velocities.

Random Panel: I'm called Gasbag

Silver Star 1

Caption Contest 4 Prize

Mark Shute, the winner of Caption Contest 4, has approved the illustration he won for entering. Can you tell that Mark likes a certain school while despising another? It's tricky to spot, but look carefully and I bet you'll see what I mean:

Terrapin versus Devil

If you want to win your own free custom black and white illustration of whatever you like (within reason), you can take a crack at Caption Contest 5:Chimps and Androids, now running!

A concerto of vampire pummelling

What is the sound of a fist hitting a vampire's face sound? Let me count them:

Multi hits

That'd be five, for those of you keeping score at home. Apparently vampire faces are quite multi-tonal. I think my favorite onomontoPOWia here is "GWH!", distinguished by its complete lack of vowels, but really, getting that many tones out of one bloodless meat bag is pretty impressive no matter how you slice it. Particularly considering the puncher is working with two broken legs, as this guy apparently is.

Seriously, what is up with the way that guy is hitting Morbius? I was so confused as to how that stance is anatomically possible that I diagrammed it in Photoshop:

Multi hit diagram

It's just barely sort of workable, if you assume that human calves can be rotated ninety degrees sideways from the knee. And if you squint, and cover up all the difficult anatomical bits with explosions.

Perhaps that is why Morbius has decided to assume the lotus position for his beating, and why he seems to be nodding so vigorously. "Ah, redhead-san, truly you have mastered the art of Zen broken-legged fighting. GWH!" I guarantee you, if more transcendental meditation classes featured pinstripe-wearing, backwards-legged detectives beating up blue leisure-suit-clad vampires, I would totally go to one.

BONUS! Morbius gets hit so hard his face turns into oatmeal, which apparently sounds like KRAM! No, I haven't ever heard anyone's face make that sound while hit, but then I've never seen anyone hit a vampire, have you, Mr. Smartypants? I thought not!

Kram!

Random Panel: Severe psychological trauma

Sleepwalker 31

Random Panel: So this is death?

Sleepwalker 31

Slammazon

I wouldn't call this a "bad super costume" necessarily (although I do wonder why her boots are different sizes and how in the name of all that's spandex her breasts don't come flying out of those metal plate cups), but I am posting it here because I love her name so much.

Slammazon

Slammazon. It just rolls off the tongue, dripping with promise of strong-woman, face-punching, metal-armed awesomeosity. No outfit could measure up to a name that great, so I give Kirby a pass on this one -- she looks good, but according to the laws of physics (or meteorology, I can never remember which) it's literally impossible to design a uniform as glorious as that moniker.

The gigantic pink "SHBOOM" accompanying her entrance is spot-on, though, the only way it could be better is if instead of "SHBOOM" it said (in the same font and color) "SLAMMAZON!". Because a name that good deserves to be both a character and a sound effect.

Random Panel: Scum like you

Scum like you give America a bad name!

The boobs have two faces …

In 1982, Daryl Hall and John Oates (the Ren and Stimpy of the early 80's pop music scene) recorded a classic song called "Maneater". In 1993, Jack Kirby turned that fabled duo's musical masterpiece into visual form:

The skull-faced bikini

Let's mediate for a moment on that epic song's lyrics and reflect on how perfectly this character's non-outfit embodies it:

She'll only come out at night
The lean and hungry type
...
The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a jaguar
...
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Oh here she comes
Shes a maneater
...
I wouldn't if I were you
I know what she can do
Shes deadly man, and she could really rip your world apart
...
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Oh here she comes
Shes a maneater

I cannot imagine a more apt depiction of a "Maneater" than a woman with fang-tipped skulls at breasts and groin. And just look at the seductive evil of her disco-dancing pose; clearly this lady is one wicked customer.

Or maybe she's just misled. Maybe she ordered some edible panties, not realizing that in fact the panties eat you. At least you can be sure that's the last time she buys from "Vlad's of Hollywood".

(Image and character ©1993, Jack Kirby. Song lyrics ©1982 Hall & Oates.)

Caption Contest 4 Winning Prize

Leiha has received her custom illustration for winning Caption Contest 4. It's a friend of hers who likes to bow-hunt buffalo, and here is the final version:

The Buffalo Hunter

You can see her winning entry here. You can win your own custom illustration in Caption Contest 5, now going!