This week’s “Random Monday Mashup”, wherein I take one (and only one) panel from ten randomly chosen comic books to try and make a story, features the adventures of Baja Wally, sex-ed teacher from the future. Plus roller skaters!

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In an effort to prove that bad fashion is indeed timeless, in 1996 DC saw fit to introduce yet another incarnation of The Flash (apparently a hundred and eleven super speedsters is just not enough) — scientist John Fox from the year 2645:

His logo and those weird yellow triangles that replaced the wings from the original Flash’s outfit are actually holographic projections that hover a couple of inches off his skin. I hate them. But not as much as I hate the weird jaggedy red vein/lightning bolts running through the blue and black parts of the uniform. It looks like he’s either full of lava, or this close to bleeding out. I also hate his chin strap. I’m not a big fan of those in general, and this one just makes his long, lugubrious face look even more horse-like.

Most of all, though, I hate his huge, bulky, “speed-metal” gauntlets. The beauty of the original Flash costume was its simplicity, with the bold red making the yellow lightning bolt elements really leap out at you. Blue and black don’t convey an impression of speed, and with the red cutting crooked lines through the whole thing, it all looks broken up and clunky. The bulbous gauntlets just make it worse.

Overall, this outfit doesn’t make me think “oooo, speedy!”, it makes me think “oooo, cheap knock-off from the future!” He’s even smooching Wally West’s girlfriend in this image, as if it’s not enough to steal the poor guy’s name, powers, costume logo, city, and MO! I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he’s also licked Wally’s mouse, worn his underwear, and sat in his sports car while passing gas just to make the thievery complete.

(Image and character ©1996 DC Comics, “The Flash”, #116.)

Today’s edition of OnomontoPOWia teaches us that when you’re fighting assassins in the Far East, you get Asian-food sound effects:

Next week The Djinn will be tackling Mexican banditos with a mighty “Fajeeeta-skillitt!” sound, before moving on to Rachel Ray, punctuated with a resounding “crock-POT!”

(Image and character from “Coyote”, Vol. 1, No. 7, ©1984, Stephen Englehart.)

Courtesy of Slate, the most talked-about video game at the Game Developer’s Conference is not Gears of War, but Crayon Physics Deluxe. Watch the video, and you’ll see why I thought this was perfect for the kind of people who like HeroMachine:

If that isn’t the most awesome thing I’ve seen in months, I don’t know what awesome is.

Would you like your very own custom drawing by Jeff “Professional Illustrator” Hebert, only you don’t know how to get it? All you have to do is enter the “Create Your Own Caption Contest“, just like Dan did, who now has this illustration of one of his characters, “Miss Music”:

The description he gave me was:

If you’re up for it, you could do a picture of Tammi in her Miss Music costume. Nothing special - she dresses like a drum majorette with the short frilly skirt, cowgirl boots, that fancy top with ties from side to side, and the big furry hat with the feather sticking up.

I think it turned out pretty well, hopefully you all will like it too. And then you’ll get your butts over to Caption Contest 3 and enter yourself, so you can get your own drawing of whatever you like!

To answer his question:

I will now count the ways I like — no, make that love — his new body:

1. Mange-ridden dreadlock ponytail flying the opposite way from his leap;
2. Off-center tattoo (?) “X” on his face;
3. Bizarre xylophone/washboard rock vest;
4. Veins on the outside of his arms, which frankly doesn’t quite seem medically wise;
5. Two words: Zeppelin cape;
6. Vampire goth chick arms pasted into his armpits;
7. Gigantic, rubber-band-bound thighs atop dainty ballerina feet;
8. Ability to speak without opening lipless mouth;
9. Three-lobed right kneecap;
10. Black fishnet for one set of arms — apparently it wasn’t stretchy enough for the massive upper man-arms.

Yeah, I think that about covers it. I think I’ll use that line the next time I haul my disgusting body out to the local public pool and when the woman I’m speaking to recoils in horror, I’ll whip out this image and say, “Hey, it could be worse!”

(Image and characters ©1993, Marvel Comics, UK, Ltd., from “Battletide II”, No. 3.)

The winner of Caption Contest 2 was Dan Swanson!

And here is the comic book panel you’ll have to fill with witty repartee to get a shot at your very own custom drawing as well as all the glory that goes along with winning something on the Internet:

Good luck! In your entry, please specify what person gets which line of dialog. For instance:

Green Lantern: I can’t believe how long that guy is taking in the bathroom, what’s the holdup?!
Six Pack 1: Why don’t you just whip up a green latrine, GL? And make it snappy, my pants are already halfway down, and I don’t know how much longer I can …
Six Pack 2: … ooops.

And as always, please try to follow the Sitcom Rule: Don’t write anything that wouldn’t pass a network censor. Yes, even the stupid ones.

The winning entry will receive a prize of one free custom black and white web illustration by yours truly, of pretty much whatever they want (within reason, so be reasonable Dan!). Here is the sketch I did for Hades, the winner of Caption Contest 1:

(Edited to rearrange the pictures and to remove the note about changing Dan’s entry, which I ended up changing back to the original.)

(Top image from “Coyote”, Vol. 1, No. 9, ©1984, Stephen Englehart.
Bottom image from “Hitman” #11, ©1997, DC Comics.)

This week’s “Random Monday Mashup”, featuring one panel only from each of ten randomly selected comic books, begins in a seedy London bar with a conversation between a bartender and a thrill-seeking young motorcycle salesman named Tommy:

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As a special bonus OnomontoPOWia, I bring you the greatest sound effect panel of all time:

You may now stop reading super-hero comic books for all time, because no panel could ever be more awesome than this one. You have won the comics industry.

ETA: I didn’t post this on a Friday because it’s not one I discovered myself; it’s been highlighted on a number of sites for a long time. But as the commenter pointed out, “Captain America, I command you to WANK!” is in fact why I brought it here. It may be the greatest command ever given by a super-villain.

This is the 100th post on HeroMachine.com, and nothing can express my celebration like this onomontoPOWia:

We’ve partied so hard, we’re bringing the building down with a mighty “Ka-Ramba!” Did I say ka-ramba? Aye, ka-ramba! Somewhere a Simpson is smiling, and I don’t mean OJ.

Thanks to everyone who’s taken part in the blog so far. I hope you’re all enjoying it, and please send a link to any friends who you think might get a kick out of bad super-hero costumes, creating an online application, making cool drawings, or other random bits of comic book fun.