Category Archives: OnomontoPOWia

What is the sound of a fist hitting a vampire's face sound? Let me count them:

That'd be five, for those of you keeping score at home. Apparently vampire faces are quite multi-tonal. I think my favorite onomontoPOWia here is "GWH!", distinguished by its complete lack of vowels, but really, getting that many tones out of one bloodless meat bag is pretty impressive no matter how you slice it. Particularly considering the puncher is working with two broken legs, as this guy apparently is.

Seriously, what is up with the way that guy is hitting Morbius? I was so confused as to how that stance is anatomically possible that I diagrammed it in Photoshop:

It's just barely sort of workable, if you assume that human calves can be rotated ninety degrees sideways from the knee. And if you squint, and cover up all the difficult anatomical bits with explosions.

Perhaps that is why Morbius has decided to assume the lotus position for his beating, and why he seems to be nodding so vigorously. "Ah, redhead-san, truly you have mastered the art of Zen broken-legged fighting. GWH!" I guarantee you, if more transcendental meditation classes featured pinstripe-wearing, backwards-legged detectives beating up blue leisure-suit-clad vampires, I would totally go to one.

BONUS! Morbius gets hit so hard his face turns into oatmeal, which apparently sounds like KRAM! No, I haven't ever heard anyone's face make that sound while hit, but then I've never seen anyone hit a vampire, have you, Mr. Smartypants? I thought not!

If you've ever wondered what the sound of a dismembered vampire arm crashing through a windshield and then reattaching itself is, wonder no more:

Now you'll be prepared the next time that question comes up in class.

I had to wonder, however, why the vampire in question would want to reattach the arm, since it seems like having a detached limb capable of flying around independently with enough power to smash windshields might be an advantage in a fight. But I rarely battle the forces of evil any more, so what do I know?

Of course, given the vampire's massive grin and hearty belly laugh, maybe an arm ka-slorping back into place just feels really, really good.

(Image from Vamps, #4, ©1994, DC Comics.)

Today's edition of OnomontoPOWia teaches us that when you're fighting assassins in the Far East, you get Asian-food sound effects:

Next week The Djinn will be tackling Mexican banditos with a mighty "Fajeeeta-skillitt!" sound, before moving on to Rachel Ray, punctuated with a resounding "crock-POT!"

(Image and character from “Coyote”, Vol. 1, No. 7, ©1984, Stephen Englehart.)

This is the 100th post on HeroMachine.com, and nothing can express my celebration like this onomontoPOWia:

We've partied so hard, we're bringing the building down with a mighty "Ka-Ramba!" Did I say ka-ramba? Aye, ka-ramba! Somewhere a Simpson is smiling, and I don't mean OJ.

Thanks to everyone who's taken part in the blog so far. I hope you're all enjoying it, and please send a link to any friends who you think might get a kick out of bad super-hero costumes, creating an online application, making cool drawings, or other random bits of comic book fun.

As a bald guy, I have never needed a scrunchie, those elastic hair bands girls use to tame their locks. And a good thing it is, too, since I learned from "Battle Tide II" that in super-hero terms, a skruntchie actually means pushing your metal hand-blade through a demon's head:

I think we need to alert female Earthlings about the danger of those seemingly innocuous ties, because I think we can all agree that a blade to the head is a high price to pay for looking fashionable.

From the immortal pages of "Battle Tide II", we learn the origins of a common saying:

"You shraktch my back and I'll shraktch yours."

Note that the management of UGO is in no way responsible for inflicting this horrible pun on an unsuspecting nation.

(Images ©1993, Marvel Comics UK Ltd., “Battle Tide II”)

Usually when it comes to onomatopoeia, a sound gets turned into a word. But super-heroes have the power to reverse that, turning words back into sounds. In addition to generally involving massive amounts of violence, that's just one way onomontoPOWia is better, as you can see here:

GASH!

BRASH!

KRUTCH!

Sure, "crutch" is misspelled on that last one, but I think if you're using your metal brain to smash out a demon's nose, you're allowed to swap a "c" for a "k" every now and then. I tried using that excuse on my English teachers in high school, but sadly they knew I didn't have a brain at all, much less a metal one. Sigh.