Community Submissions: Superhero Movies You’ve Never Seen (And Why You’ve Never Seen Them) with Skybandit

Ok guys, time for the first of our Community Submissions, this week brought to you courtesy of Skybandit. Submissions next Thursday are now open. You can find the rules and other submission information here: Link

Anyway, I will now go away and leave you with Skybandit.

Seems like every other week now a new super-being stars in a CGI laden film doing fantastic things and saving the world from other super-beings. Thanks to advances in SFX, we are now in the Golden Age of superhero movies. Gone are the days when Superman’s flying was rendered by crude animation, Starman’s by being suspended by obvious wires, balloons shaped like Captain Marvel being towed around, or dummies of Commando Cody sliding down a cable.

Even with the present popularity of the genre, sometimes movies fall in the cracks and are never seen again. While most of them are deserving of this ignoble fate, there are some nuggets to be gleaned from this celluloid dreck, and you can decide for yourself if anything here interests you. Since most of you ungrateful brats have no sense of or appreciation for history, these articles have been limited to English language films made in the last 40 years. This week’s turkey:

The Fantastic Four

 CS F4

New Horizons

Plot:

The FF go up against a comic-relief version of Dr. Doom and some guy that lives in a sewer.

This abomination only got made because Marvel Comics wouldn’t renew Neue Conatantin Films option to make a Fantastic Four film unless they first made a Fantastic Four film, so they gave Roger Corman a few million bucks to pump this thing out before the deadline. It was a bad pastiche of several story lines and the “original” villain the Jeweler, whose lair was in a storm drain. To quote MST3K’s Pearl Forrester, “It stars nobody and features nothing.”

CS F4 2

New Horizons

Scarecrow, Dorothy, Tin Man and Lion

 

Marvel was appalled by the result and bought the movie back from Bernd just so they could order all of the copies destroyed. Unfortunately, Roger’s film went and got copied by some enterprising individual on his staff and ended up as countless bootlegs that are still being sold at every Comic Book Convention in the world. Eichinger actually went on to make the (serious) Fantastic Four film of 2005, so his underhanded ploy evidently worked. That one (and the ridiculous sequel) also sucked diseased donkey balls, but they did have better special effects.

CS F4 3

New Horizons

CGI, Corman style. Also know as cartoon animation

Why you should see it:

It’s a superhero movie produced by Roger Corman and is hilariously bad.

Why you haven’t:

Marvel paid the producers to destroy all copies of the film because it sucked so badly.

They were right, of course, but that’s beside the point. Plus, it’s on YouTube right now.

CS F4 4

New Horizons

Glad no one can recognize me under all this latex!

 

Thank you and good viewing.

JR19759

About JR19759

Email: jr19759@hotmail.co.uk Twitter: @jr19759 Deviantart: JR19759 Deviantart HM Group: Heromachine-Art

6 Responses to Community Submissions: Superhero Movies You’ve Never Seen (And Why You’ve Never Seen Them) with Skybandit

  1. Hey, I have plenty of apreciation for history. I’d love to see what monstrosity (pun intended) you can dredge up from before the last 40 years. Also, I don`t mind subtitles so fire away with all your non-english horror shows! 😉

    ps. to our admin: Loving this new “preview as you type” thingie!

  2. Not gonna lie, you have completely sold me on this movie.

  3. I know what I’m gonna be for Halloween…

  4. Seen some of it. And yes, it’s hilariously bad. Nice one, Skybandit.

  5. If this movie had been described as being “interesting, and with a few decent scenes” I wouldn’t have cared to watch it. But as soon as you say it’s absolutely awful I feel like I have to see it.

  6. I used to have it on my computer, several computers back. Yes it was so bad it was funny.