Vartox. JAMES Vartox.

Sometimes a super hero costume is so bad, it leaps off the page and slaps you upside the head with its hairy thighs. OK, ew. But because it’s a drawing you can sort of let it slide. As a case in point, I present to you the classic Superman villain, Vartox:

Note the leather Speedo, the always-repulsive male thigh-boots, open vest with no shirt (the better to gaze upon the hirsute majesty of his manscape), and of course the Bert Reynolds Memorial Mustache, without which no homage to macho would be complete. Yes, this looks like your worst “My Dad dressed up for Halloween” nightmare, because it is. At least, if you’re Sean Connery’s kid, because this wretched bit of sartorial madness originated in his movie “Zardoz“:

And here you see the reality that as bad as something might look as an illustration, reality can be far, far worse. In no universe, ever, have gun belt suspenders holding up orange diapers over thigh-high leather boots been a Good Look for a man. Like, ever. Cap it off with a receding hairline and long pony tail combo and you, my friend, have achieved epic levels of bad costuming.

So on Halloween, please, I beg you, do NOT go out dressed like this. Or on any other date. Or planet.

About Jeff Hebert

Jeff is a 45 year old city boy who has somehow found himself located in Colorado, fulfilling his lifetime dream of making a living drawing super-heroes all day.

16 Responses to Vartox. JAMES Vartox.

  1. Oh man… I remember Vartox or whatever, I hated him so much as a kid.
    But here in Austin (a town full of hipsters, film buffs, and film hipsters) you could dress like Zartoz and people would think you were super-cool.

  2. Patriot_Missile

    ..or any other PLANET… Damn… Good thing I have my Logan’s Run outift as a backup.

  3. Zardoz was too far ahead of it’s time. So far in fact, that it’s too far ahead of our time. Truly a masterpiece. I’m only half-joking anyway… I actually… kinda… sort of…. enjoyed it.

  4. Cringe-worthy as it is (Vartox or Zardoz), this made me chuckle.

  5. GAAAAH! My eyes!

  6. Why on God’s green Earth is this guy wearing clamshells on his shoulders?

  7. Can anyone ealse hear the 70′s porn music in the background!?!?

  8. punkjay:
    Why on God’s green Earth is this guy wearing clamshells on his shoulders?

    To show that they took EXTRA time on the costume?

  9. Gabe Puratekuta

    punkjay:
    Can anyone ealse hear the 70′s porn music in the background!?!?

    Every time I see that ‘stache

  10. Basing your costume on Sean Connory’s most pantsless role may be a bad idea, but I believe there was method in Vartox’s madness. He was hoping the Man of Steel would be laughing too hard to fight effectively.

    Or else somebody was doing some serious controlled substances in the DC office that year.

  11. See now, I think if they had gone with “Sean Connery in his most pantsless role!” as their tag line, they might have had a winner. Because that’s an awesome line.

  12. That is a fairly awesome line–and their female audience might have grown temporarily.

  13. Keric: To show that they took EXTRA time on the costume?

    They should have spent extra time PLANNING this guy’s costume and less time drawing clamshells on his shoulders!

  14. Lost member of the village people?

  15. spidercow2012

    I gotta say, however, that as retchulous as the Zardoz costume was, no other actor in cinema history could have ever come as close to pulling it off as Sean Connery.

  16. He looks like another bad character from a telemundo show or something. So just…WOW ( shaking head )…