Goldbug, yo!

Goldbug had a problem. He enjoyed running around town in his gangland bandana, but he also wanted to be a super villain. His brilliant solution proved he belonged in the upper echelons of crime -- fashion crime, that is:

The integrated bandana look lets him retain his street cred while still allowing him to wear spandex. Not an easy achievement, believe me.

Even better, this sartorial revolution led to another great innovation, namely patterning your chest to look like you're armored, even if you can't afford armor! It's brilliant. Imagine the intrepid heroic adventurer facing Goldbug for the first time. Assuming he or she can get over their immediate fear of the bandana -- "Will his Crip or Blood mates be jumping me if I stop him?!" -- they still might hesitate wondering if their blows will have any effect against his awesome red-and-gold, "No, it's not an Iron Man ripoff" faux body armor.

The squiggly lines in the arms and calves further serve to confuse the enemy. Is he some sort of gold-meister, or is that lava? Do I wear my asbestos underwear or do I need to rush off and double the guard at Fort Knox? That kind of hesitation can kill you in a super battle if you're not careful.

And so we salute you, Goldbug, and your combination Firestar/Spider-Man Eyes/Iron Man Armor homage. Peace out!

16 Responses to Goldbug, yo!

  1. William A. Peterson

    Or, more likely, they’ll just punch the daylights out of this loser, and not worry about ANY of the above! Actually, fake armor can be a MAJOR problem when the Hero hits you with a REAL Armor-Piercing round! {Splorch!} 😀

  2. Iron-Man, the early years.

  3. I’ve been noticing more and more the lazyness of these characters. No wonder this guy was a dud. Lame costume, stupid powers, and check out his “real name.” Jack Smith? Gee that must have taken all of two seconds to think up. I looked him up on another website, and it looks like they later changed his name to Matthew Gilden, but in the process turned him into a knock-off Blue Beetle. Then the Punisher killed him. Good Job Frank!

  4. Actually he has a point. I never suspected that Jack Smith, that panty-waisted fool, could be a master criminal.

  5. It looks like his costume is missing puzzle pieces

  6. We can see his “six-pack”, but he doesn’t have a nose under that face mask?

  7. @Dionne Jinn(6): Better yet, you can see his sunken cheekbones but can’t see his nose. Maybe he doesn’t have one…

  8. Also, you can see he thinks very highly of himself. He refers to himself as a panty-wasted fool.

  9. Good point, Worf (7). I just wonder why Phantom of the Opera soundtrack suddenly started playing in my head… “Empty hole where his nose never grew” and so forth.

  10. He’d be a Blood, it’s a red do-rag.

  11. Dionne Jinn (9): Funny, I’ve had Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” stuck in my head since I’ve first seen this costume today. GET OUT OF MY HEAD, KANYE!

  12. Wow what drugs were the desighners of this costume on, so I can avoid them at all costs. He looks like he’s going to a dead concert the way those bands of red kinda swerl like tie dye! His hands are too small too. The contrast between the background andthe character is so contrasting it gives me a migraine. Can somebody give this guy some gold to buy a new outfit please.

  13. Patriot_Missile

    I agree with the others, Mr JB. That thought bubble did it. If the costume wasn’t gonna look like a bug, he could’ve at least sported a bug logo on his chest. I give this outfit two thumbs up… my nose, cuz it stankz.

  14. What was he thinking? This costume is in two parts. Not particularly insect-like at all. Definitely needs a centre-section, too, to avoid Unsightly Male Unitard Issues.

  15. Gold bug? How about Gold thug.

  16. Hes all gangsta.