The Nipple Clamp of Doom

Look, I get it, the Image Nineties were all about the Age of Excess, with heads getting exploded and “dark” heroes and guns and pouches and basically every gimmick that could get a fifteen year old boy to swipe three bucks from his dad’s wallet on the sly. But seriously, a cyborg zombie modern era Jonah Hex ripoff?*

Given that your editor comes to you and says “Hey, Mr. Big Shot Artist Guy, howzabout taking a few minutes off from the jeans commercials and knocking me out a cyborg zombie modern era Jonah Hex ripoff”, I understand that you’ve got to produce. I mean, hey, the Nineties aren’t going to last forever and those thigh pouches don’t fill themselves with ill-gotten loot, right?

But what in the name of all that’s good and decent would lead you to give any character a breast pump? Especially a male character?

Maybe that’s what’s going in the various pouches — baby’s gotta eat when undead Jonah Hex comes home, after all. Though given where that tube is leading after feasting off his engorged man nipples, I’m thinking it’s not a pouch that’s involved. And that’s disgusting.

* I know nothing at all about Deathlok, and am riffing off just this one image, because making fun of super hero costumes is what I do. I am fully aware that he is not a zombie, but I’m pretty sure he’s a cyborg of some sort and dead certain he’s got at least a little Jonah Hex DNA coursing through the ink in his veins. Or something. I’m just here to make you laugh, folks, and if “engorged man nipples” doesn’t do it, well then apparently you’re a lot less immature than I am.

(Image and character ©Marvel Comics, may God have mercy on their souls.)

9 Responses to The Nipple Clamp of Doom

  1. I call them Mipples!

  2. In his original mid-seventies incarnation (which took place in the nineties), Colonel Luther Manning (a brave soldier and military tactician) was killed during war games. While Manning was dead, General Simon Riker organized a military coup and overthrew the government. The part of Manning’s brain responsible for military tactics (whatever part that may be) was saved and augmented with a computer. Manning’s body was augmented with bionic prosthetics and a fluid that prevented him from deteriorating. Manning (now designated “Deathlok”) was revived and used as a hitman to kill any enemies of the new regime. However, Manning’s brain retained enough of his personality and Deathlok rebelled against the new regime. Deathlok was co-created by Doug Moench and (my favorite comic book artist) Rich Buckler. Later, Marvel would give Deathlok a different origin, but the original (wich appeared in issues of “Astonishing Tales”) is my personal favorite. The original Deathlok is also my favorite comic book character.

  3. I agree with Danny, original Deathlok is a great character, even if the writing is a bit on the campy side. I especially loved the alternate future take, rather than trying to jam it into the regular comics universe.

  4. Now the rippling “bunchies” make sense … they’re not extra muscly bits, they’re excess fluid buildup from the reverse breast pump of life giving juices.

    There’s a sentence I would never have imagined ever writing :)

  5. Well, the thing that gets me the most in Deathlok is not his looks (although a stealthy assassing guy having shiny metal parts, red shirt and easily identifiable flag insignia is quite something), but the very concept of him is the most interesting part. Isn’t he supposed to be an army supersoldier project or something? I know americans love cool and shiny superweapons, but aren’t there better ways to spend billions of dollars on a weapons project than putting it all on one guy armed with a pistol?

  6. You had me at “engorged man nipples”

  7. No, Kalkin. No there isn’t.

  8. I’ve wished for awhile now that Tony Stark could give Deathlok a hellacious upgrade like he did Spidey. I have the action figure and the HeroClix figure, and man-nipple-necro-fluid-hose-thing notwithstanding, I can live with it.

  9. Definitely upgrade this character’s look. I like the idea of him, but not his look. They should make his outfit seem functional with his tech, like that of an astronaut or a pilot’s flightsuit. Also, his cybernetics could have that mix of Stan Winston/H.R. Giger look to his technology, since they look anything but cybernetic.