Caption Contest 51: The family jewels

Come up with the best replacement dialog for this blank comic book panel and you'll win a free custom black and white illustration of whatever you like (within reason)!


After the skull-punching and flame-throwing of the last two weeks, I thought you might appreciate a change of pace. The rules, however, are the same as always: no more than three entries per person, left in the comments to this post, which are appropriate for a PG-13 rating. I'll announce the winner next Tuesday, so good luck everyone!

Good luck everyone!

56 Responses to Caption Contest 51: The family jewels

  1. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer says:

    1. Oh, THOSE family jewels!
    2. Does that happen EVERY time you sneeze?
    3. Soylent Green is people!

  2. Avatar Danny Beaty says:

    1. Yep, I’m definitely having his baby!

    2. I think I’m having an orgasm!

    3. It’s a good thing I’m wearing my kneepads!

  3. Avatar Xstacy says:

    The hypno-contacts are working!

  4. Avatar Cory says:

    1. HE went to Jarrod!

    2. OH…I should NOT have had that second burrito…

    3. I wonder what’s happening on Lost…

  5. Avatar Steve says:

    1. Oh No! GRANDPA!

    2. Oooooh…I wonder if he’ll get me a boob job too!

    3. YES! I knew pretending to be a woman would get me all I desire!

  6. Avatar James says:

    1. At last! After the ENTIRE Kama Sutra, the jewels are MINE!

    2. Nice, I wonder what my OTHER husband got me for our wedding…

  7. Avatar Cory says:

    @jeff….did you take a look at my idea…think its a good concept? so people who ARENT Steve and dont win all the time…can get their ideas drawn out too…

    @Steve (no offense)

  8. Avatar DJ says:

    1. That’s…it? Do you think I’m that cheap?!”

    2. You think I’m stupid? I know that’s cubic zirconium!

    3. Ge…Gesundheit ?

  9. Avatar Jose Inoa says:

    [1] Golly! When Mr. Quartermain said he was going to “count his blessings”, I was just hoping everything would come out well. But THIS..!

    [2] Holy Hannah Barbera! Only a REAL MAN would poop diamonds for me! Now for the laxative…

    [3] Ferris was right! Cameron’s butt really IS wound up tight! But will they sell on eBay?

  10. Avatar Skiriki says:

    1) “That’s a whole lotta bling!”
    2) “Wait — now I have nothing to wear that matches with these!”
    3) “Are they supposed to glow like this? And why do they have this strange clover-like stamp on them?”

  11. Avatar Ian says:

    1. Gene Simmons! NOOOOOOO!!

    2. He made all those…from where he poops!

    3. The jewels…they’re speaking to me! “A-Rod used.”

  12. Avatar von Bek says:

    I wish Carbonman would stop blowing his nose in public.

    I’m still going to have see the other ones before I make up my mind.

  13. Avatar Frankie says:

    *That’s it Dolly, just keep a straight poker face and Mr. Jenkins will never know that I have any interest in his finely polished jewels.*

  14. Avatar Frankie says:

    *Diamonds! A girl’s best friend. Wow! What a coincidence. I bought him a dog for our anniversary.*

  15. Avatar Brambles says:

    I must admit, I wasn’t expecting an assortment of used dental braces for an anniversary gift…

  16. Avatar Frankie says:

    *Gasp. Every time he comes around, my London bridge falls down.*

  17. Avatar Asmodeus says:

    You got me bracelets? But I sold my arms to buy you this rare engine part. You sold your car to buy these bracelets? I’m divorcing you.

    Those are nice, but I’m still married to someone else dear.

    Bling senses….. tingling!

  18. Avatar Whit says:

    1) Why, my best friend! And you, um, what was your name again?

  19. Avatar Niall Mor says:

    Damn! Diamonds AGAIN?

    But . . . they smell funny!

  20. Avatar Solander says:

    1. Wait, those are all the wrong size! He only got me five carat size and I take ten.

    2. He wasn’t kidding! When he said he would get me something with diamonds I thought he meant a pack of playing cards.

    3. I’ve been married for ten years and the man I love still brings me diamonds for my birthday. If my husband ever finds out, he’ll kill me.

  21. Avatar Whit says:

    They’re nice, but can they give me spot-free dishes?

  22. Avatar Cole Brott says:

    1)Why did i mary all those men!?
    2)Those won’t fix my face!
    3)Is this ALL you have!

  23. Avatar Loki says:

    Now THAT’S a super power!

  24. Avatar StrangezThingez says:

    1.Must… touches…the precious…

    2.Are those… plastic?

    3.I thought these sold out on the Home Shopping Network?

  25. Avatar Loki says:

    2. “my prrreciousssss”

    3. now all I have to do is act surprised…

  26. Avatar Loki says:

    I’d like to change number two to “shiny shiny, pretty pretty…”


    2. Wow! Finish: Electrasol really IS the diamond standard!

    3. But I wanted a PONY!!!

  28. Avatar Whit says:

    3) Ah, finally! Daddy Warbucks keels over and leaves me his fortune!

    [Because, you know, she looks like grown-up Annie]

  29. Avatar HalLoweEn JacK says:

    1. Oh sh!t! When I said I’d sell my soul for a diamond necklace I never thought anyone would actually take me up on it!

    2. Oh god, it’s finally happened. Must play it cool… WHAT THE HECK IS CRAWLING UP MY LEG?!?

  30. Avatar HalLoweEn JacK says:

    3. Oh my god! Did he just fart?

  31. Avatar Kaiju says:

    1. Their right! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!
    2. *absent Minded*

  32. Avatar Socrates says:

    1. Cha-Ching!

  33. Avatar D says:

    Darn! Instead of a fish and chips shop, I went to a jewellers! I obviously need glasses!

    Oh, no! The wind’s changed! I’m stuck like this forever!

    Is this what you mean by getting your rocks off?

  34. Avatar Bael says:

    I wonder if he has anything in gold

  35. Avatar Bael says:

    If those are the jewels, then what did I just stuff down my pants?

  36. Avatar Aidan says:

    The family jewels! At long last! Thee not know what sorrow
    i caused for them to be in my possession mere mortal!

  37. Avatar Aidan says:

    (gasp) No! The accursed family jewels have reterned to my possession! All of my beloved relations have been murdered with those jujus in their torn pockets!NOOOOOOOOOO!

  38. Avatar Aidan says:

    FINALLY!The vast family fortune has been past to meeeeeee!mew ah hah hah hah hah hah cough cough cough cough cough. Drat! I should have killed everyone BEFORE I had lukemia. DRAT DRAT AND DOUBLE DRAT!

  39. Avatar Socrates says:

    2. “This gives a whole new meaning to the words ‘Spanish Flies for rich guys’ !”

  40. Avatar Ballin' Boy says:

    Those are gonna go straight to my thighs.

  41. Avatar Socrates says:

    3. “No gold-digging for me… I take diamonds! We may be off the gold standard someday.”

  42. Avatar amathakathi says:

    Nice try, but I still musn’t forgive Bill for that whole Lewinsky thing

  43. Avatar amathakathi says:

    2. Diamonds would buy my love, I would be fine with zirconium… but as for these uranium jewels…

    3. Good he still thinks I’m the Queen of England… but for how long?

  44. Avatar Xstacy says:

    If only he knew how many men at this family reunion have already thrust the jewels in my face.

  45. Avatar miggo says:

    1) I guess I can tell him about my sex change later..
    2) Oh my god! He actually forgot the fabric softener on this cloth!
    3) Must. Obay. Hypno. Toad. Must! Obay!

  46. Avatar Damien says:

    1] How did he pull all that out of my ear?
    2] He’s a great guy and all, but MARRY him? I mean, he’s so…so…SHORT!
    3] This is just like “Indecent Proposal”…..Maybe I should make like it’s “Basic Instinct!”

  47. Avatar Jester says:

    1. Impossibly shiny tin-foil on a slightly used napkin… At least it was better than last year’s present…

    2. What does he mean, “How do they look?” He does know I’m blind, right?

    3. Dear sweet cheese on ice! Those are the most beauti– IS THAT MY MOTHER’S BROOCH?!

  48. Avatar Dael says:

    1. …but…that’s not my baby…

    2. mmmmmmmm crunchy. You are pleasing to Xithax, waterbag.

    3. …but they are so big around…that means….(in smaller type)o my goodness okay breathe

    I must humbly bow to Xstacy, who totally stole.

  49. Avatar Tal says:

    1. Jeweled or not, I’m not into handcuffs!

    2. When I said ‘Get me some ice for my ankle’, I never thought…!

    3. Oh no! He stopped taking his cleptomania meds again!

  50. Avatar TheNate says:

    Wow – I didn’t realize how much I ordered from QVC.

  51. Avatar theaven says:

    Is that what I’ve been pooping out I’m going to be rich!!!!

  52. Avatar Ballin' Boy says:

    How am I going to get all this past the guards and into my cell?

  53. Avatar The Imp says:

    1: How can I tell Grandma I don’t WANT her dentures?

    2: I’m never gonna be a mule again. Never.

    3: Wait till I tell Paris and Britney about THIS! Those bitches…

  54. Avatar ninjast4r says:

    “Mmm… pie…”


    “I forgot to wear pants today! Maybe if I wear enough bling, maybe no one will notice!”

  55. Avatar Ballin' Boy says:

    Well I guess that’s my que it’s time for me to change into my alter ego Flaaaaava Flaaaaaav.

  56. Avatar RoVan says:

    “Thief! Thief, Baggins! We hates it, we hates it, we hates it forever!! It’s ours, it is, and we wants it. My Precious! “