Sons of Scissorhands

We all know Tim Burton was doing serious weed when he created “Edward Scissorhands”, and we all remember what difficulties that lovely fictional character had just trying to perform everyday tasks. So why in the name of the dainty-footed Buddah would Image Comics make two blade-fingered dimwits in the same comic?

ripclaw
warblade

The first dashing young cutlery-digited “hero” there is Wolverine Ripclaw and the second is Wolverine Ripclaw Warblade. You can tell they’re different because Warblade has a gigantic horse tail sticking out of the back of his skull and wears blue-green, while Ripclaw also has a giant horse’s tail sticking out of the back of his skull, but he’s wearing regular blue! A lesser audience would miss those subtle tell-tales, but Image knew even then it was attracting the cream of the crop.

The other thing they both have in common, of course, is that instead of fingers they have giant finger-ish metal claws. You might wonder how metal finger-claws bend at the joints to allow their owner to, you know, perform the kind of basic tool-manipulation that distinguishes us from our simian relatives, but you’re missing the point — you stab and slash and kill with finger claws, while regular fingers are only good for gouging out eyes! Duh. Clearly you do not have what it takes to be a creative Image genius.

Rest assured, though, that much gut-stabbing and flesh-rending occurs in this book. And it’s always accompanied by a multi-toothed grimace of either pain or disgust at their own inability to wipe in a sanitary fashion because, hey, toilet paper and metal claws don’t mix.

Maybe that’s what the super-duper long pony-tails are for?

Great, now I wish I had giant metal finger-claws so I could gouge out my own eyes in an effort to get that mental image out of my head. Blech!

8 Responses to Sons of Scissorhands

  1. William A. Peterson

    You’re not being fair, Jeff!
    {Of course, you’re not even trying, but…}
    Both characters can ‘morph’ their hands into regular, everyday sort of hands, or into all sorts of bladed monstrosities…
    If they WERE stuck with the bladed hands, it would be tough to go to the bathroom, yes… {Oooops!}

  2. That at least makes a little more sense. Although in the entire issue I have, neither of them is ever walking around with anything but claws. Because, you know … claws.

    Doesn’t it bother you at all that they’re exactly the same character, only one has a ridiculous helmet and the other one has ridiculous facial tattoos? I mean, come on, they BOTH have liquid-metal claws that stretch and morph and GEEZ this get stupider and stupider the more I know about it.

  3. I’m thinking what else they can do with those morphing hands.

    If you know what I mean.

    Yes, maybe two and half hours of sleep is not enough to read this blog and stay on sanity’s good side.

  4. Come on, it’s perfectly obvious. One is a mutant cyborg indian, and the other is an alien halfbreed. Totally different. Oh, and one was created by Jim Lee, while the other wasn’t.

  5. Oh, yeeeeah! Ripclaw is from Cyber Force, and his gimmick is supposed to be… a bear! And Warblade is from Wild C.A.T.s, and both his arms are strechy like Mr. Fantastically Elongated Plastic Man… with sharp fingers that also stretch… uhm… SO! Anyone read the One-Shots where each of these Image teams actually battled Marvel’s X-Men?
    Look, I will play the Devil’s advocate here.
    These ‘ripoffs’ stem from the idea that in order to be the champ, you have to beat the champ. What’s tougher than a wolverine? A big ol’ bear. What would improve a 3-4 foot reach for a nasty punch that cuts? Warblade’s gimmick.
    Granted, fanboys (I’m one) get the urge to outshine Superman, Spider-Man, and Wonder Woman (remember the 90’s ‘Bad-Girl’ fiasco?), but when someone wants to create a unique superhero Super-Skrulls and Amalgam Comics is a good place to start.
    Is Badger really a Wolverine ripoff anymore than Black Cat or Ms Fury or Tigra or Cheetah (take your pick, DC or Gold Digger) or Vixen or Red Fox or Silver Fox or Hepzibah …etcetera are to… Catwoman?
    Just a thought.

  6. Interesting points, Jose. I started to make a comment but it got so long I am turning it into a post, instead, coming up shortly.

  7. The quality and different-ness of these characters varied wildly depending on who was writing them. Warblade actually wound up somewhat like the t1000 from Terminator 2 in terms of powers at some point along the line; he could eventually even shape wings and stuff out of his body.

    The WildC.A.T.S. at some point just turned into the Wildcats and got a bit less over the top in the process. The first few issues, at least, were some of the more entertaining products of the Iron Age. (Travis Charest art didn’t hurt either, though that man can’t draw feet, either.)

  8. Fez the Baron

    I have to reply on this one.
    Yes the base concept is that they were the “wolverine” of their respectrive team, but also they explained, sorta, the gig. ripclaw powers are more related to those of the old toon “Bravestar” in that he could mimic certain animals powers, the cyberdata saw potential and decided, fuck that, to give him some cybernetic enhacement to make him more deadly. Read chopped off his hands and replaced them wiht nanomachines materials that morph in blades. Warblade had naturally a T1000 body(note both come out when T2 movie was the most awesome movie in history, more or less), and he too got cyberenahncemnt from cyberdata.
    Actually my only complain was that it was never cleared apart claws what else cybernetic systme they got, expecially warblade, since he coudl morph claw a natural kheran hybrid power, so what they gave him?