Super Bad Breasts
Look, I like a full-figured gal as much as any red-blooded heterosexual American male, but super-hero breasts are just too ridiculous for words. You’re flying around at high rates of speed without benefit of an airplane. The wind gusts are incredible. And all you have between your quadruple-D cups and two bloody black eyes is spandex. Not a good design.
The latest example that got me irritated is from the pages of Marvel’s execrable “Ultimates 3, Issue 1″. Out of nowhere a teenage Valkyrie leaps from her flying horse, sword held high, to slash at Venom. Look at this photo and see if there’s anything amiss here:
I ask you, outside of horribly botched enhancement surgery, have any nipples in history ever been located on that part of the breast? Breasts just don’t do this, boys and girls. Then, of course, you have to ask yourself why there are nipples in this illustration at all. Besides being anatomically ridiculous, they’re completely gratuitous — who in their right mind wades into battle wearing nothing but a cut-off white t-shirt which has, apparently, just been drenched in water by the producers of “Girls Gone Wild”?
There’s so much wrong with “Ultimates 3″ I hesitate to even mention Nipple-Gate, but the abuse of the female figure in the comics industry is one of those things that really bugs me. Not that the males in this issue fare any better; there are so many guys with forearms the same girth as their biceps I thought I was at a Popeye convention. And every page looks like it was dipped in a black India ink wash. I’d criticize the dialog, but even calling it “dialog” is giving it more credit than it deserves. Bad plotting, bad art, bad writing, bad layouts, bad characters, bad concept, bad expressions, bad everything, this comic book is just bad bad bad bad bad bad bad.
…
Well, maybe it’s not that bad, but Lord it isn’t good.
(Image and characters ©2007 Marvel Characters, Inc.)
December 22nd, 2007 at 9:58 am
Didn’t Sequential Tart used to have a column about stuff like this, back in the day? a ‘bizarre breasts’ column or somesuch?
I seem to recall them harping on the issue routinely. It was a while back though.
December 24th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
GOOD GOD YOU CAN PISS AND MOAN WITH THE BEST OF THEM, HUH? Also, the gratuitous use of the word “bad” in your review really helped drive the point home. Hammering that word in over and over was really a good way to show what a competant writer you are.
December 30th, 2007 at 5:33 am
uh, I think the reason for the up-turned nipples is the effect of gravity. I think that they were going for the “leaping attack” breast mode. when certain breast types get airborne they tend to have a “popping back and up at the same time” action. If you look at the whole panel, you will see what I mean. I am sure this is a stupid question, but, have you ever seen a woman attack someone and her boobs stay perfectly stationary? I didn’t think so. Welcome to the world of reality action comic book boobs.
December 30th, 2007 at 6:06 am
I’ve made a lifelong study of breasts, so yes, I am familiar with their performance characteristics in a variety of conditions. My intense study continues to this day. Which is what bugs me about this particular illustration — the nipples are in the wrong place given what they’re doing. They’re way too high up, leaving way too much breast tissue beneath them. Unless Valkyrie has retractable robo-breasts (which I wouldn’t put past Jeph Loeb), there ought to be much more mass mounded up behind the nipples as well, if they’re being flung so radically.
The reason I hate it so much isn’t because I don’t know anything about anatomy, it’s because I know enough that when it’s egregiously wrong, as it is here, it just jumps out at me. This usage is both gratuitous and anatomically incorrect. Leaping from a flying horse and wielding a broadsword doesn’t make your nipples float to the top of the breast, no matter what the gravity field is.
December 30th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
THANK FRIGGIN’ GOD, SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT. I’m sick and tired of how most people nowadays complain about women not having large enough breasts. Listen. Being a female, LARGE BREASTS AREN’T ALL THAT GREAT. I don’t know what the hell there is to look at honestly, and yeah, sure I’m proud of them. But they AREN’T at all comfortable and most women could agree.
I’m finally proud that a MAN out of all of those BOYS could stand up and say that big breasts just aren’t a good superhero attribute. It’s true. If people expect the superhero to be so damn athletic and sporty, bounding off rooftops… well, it isn’t going to be easy with F-sized cups. Sorry.
You have points in my book. Regardless of what other people say, I think it was an EXCELLENT point. Very well stated.
December 31st, 2007 at 5:36 pm
Hearing a gunshot, Our heroine’s rushes into action! One look at her and men are entranced! It’s Bigbustia (crappy name, I know, shuddup about it)! She leaps into action, running towards the gunshot! She takes a mighty jump up on the rooftops to reach the other side! Suddenly, her chest swings upward, there’s an ungodly -WHUMPF- noise and then blackness… Our Heroine comes to a few hours later, unharmed except for a few bruises. She looks around to see what happened… then she looks down. Muttering to herself something about jumping too hard, our Bigbustia leaps into fighting crime once again…
Case Closed…
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:05 pm
wats wrong with large breasts?
sex sells is the principal that almost all our media runs on so why stop now? i have no problem with big breasts and big hammers