Poll Position: Batman versus …

This week's Poll Position is an unabashed dive head-first into giddy, gibbering fan-boi fantasy:


Discussion after the jump!

Everyone enjoys exhibiting unseemly amounts of prepubescent joy at the prospect of Batman kicking some other beloved (or reviled) comics icon in the face. And here at HeroMachine.com, we're no exception. So let's shed ourselves of any notions of artistic integrity, good taste, or a desire for plot and think about whose ass we would most want to see Batman kick.

  • Batman vs. The Avengers: For The Avengers, Batman might have to use both hands instead of having one tied behind his back like he usually does for a fair fight. After all they have at least one god and one unstoppable muscle-bound brute, plus whatever fashion disaster The Wasp is gadding about in this week, and that's just not fair. Still, he's The Goddamn Batman, so while this particular fight might take a double-sized annual or something, there's still no doubt the winner is gonna have funny pointy ears on his cowl when the dust settles.
  • Batman vs. Batman: Don't ask me, I just work here. Technically of course the sheer awesomeness of having TWO Batmen in ONE story would exceed the legal limit for testosterone so Congress would have to outlaw this issue. Or TRY anyway. But thinking about Batman kicking Batman in the face is making me feel all funny in my tummy so I have to stop now.
  • Batman vs. COBRA: I think it would be funny to see what biting putdowns Bruce would come up with while cutting through this pack of second-rate amateurs like a Ginsu through a can of Bud.
  • Batman vs. Conan: This would work best if Bruce were somehow transported back to Conan's world and actually would be kind of interesting. Conan sort of is Batman, only without the whole "respect for law and order" thing. And more muscles. And a seriously bad haircut.
  • Batman vs. Decepticons: I would totally buy this if only to see the Batmobile turn into a giant Transformer and eat the Boy Wonder. Also, Utility Belticon rawks.
  • Batman vs. Iron Man: Eccentric rich billionaire vs. eccentric rich billionaire. Is there any way this doesn't end at a baccarat table?
  • Batman vs. Wolverine: The ultimate fanboi wet dream. They'd have to print this one on special goo-resistant Teflon pages.
  • Batman vs. Wonder Woman: He's already beaten Superman more times than a rented drum, he might as well try his luck with the second most powerful and iconic figure in the DC Universe. Why don't any of these "What If" issues ever end up with Batman bagging the super-chicks, anyway?
  • Batman vs. The X-Men: Like The Avengers, just one is not enough to take on Bats. Give Xavier's entire team a shot and it might last for more than two pages.

In all seriousness, this is completely stupid. And it is in that spirit that I would say I would green-light "Batman vs. Batman vs. Wolverine". I know that's not on the list, but if Batman can change the rules, then so can I. So nyah!

Make your witty Batman-fanboi-related comments below!

13 Responses to Poll Position: Batman versus …

  1. Joshua says:

    It’s funny, but there actually was a one-shot where Batman confronted “himself” (…torn over his guilt to rescue a suicidal criminal, Bruce Wayne is visited by an internal manifestation which identifies itself as “Batman”. ), and though technically not the beat-down everyone was expecting, there was a decent bit of brow beating. Anyone familiar with Batman: Ego by Darwyn Cooke?

  2. Danny Beaty says:

    Has Batman fought the Punisher? Anyway, I’ll vote for Batman vs. Iron Man. Batman vs. Moonknight would be cool also.

  3. The Imp says:

    Seeing as Moonknight basically IS Marvel’s rip-off of Batman, I’d like to see that too.

    I’d also like to see Batman vs. assorted James Bond villains.

    Batman: Do you expect me to talk?

    Goldfinger: No, Mr. Batman! I expect you to–hurkkk—batarang… in… throat…

  4. Danny Beaty says:

    @Imp: Batman vs.Doctor Doom would be cool. In an earlier post, someone said that Batman beat the Hulk. How did Batman beat the Hulk? Hulk has been up against martial artists before, and all they succeeded in doing was ticking-off the Hulk and getting their asses kicked. Did Batman use sleeping gas on Hulk, or mess with Hulk’s inner ear thingy and keep Hulk off balance? How did Batman do it?

  5. William A. Peterson says:

    X-Men, absolutely!
    Bruce could actually win that one…
    MoonKnight would be cool, I agree, but Bats versus the Avengers?
    See “Bambi versus Godzilla”, with Bruce as Bambi…
    Never mind Thor or Shellhead, Cap would be enough to embarass Bats, all by himself!
    {I know, they’re both dead at the moment, but that’s not going to last!}
    Diana would put Bruce over her knee and spank him like the Bad Boy he is, and make him feel sorry for having tried…
    They’ve already ‘done’ Bats versus Wolvie (though the ending was an absolute cop-out), and The Wrath was basically Batman’s opposite number, as is OwlMan from “Earth I” (don’t ask!), so that one’s been overdone…
    Batman versus G.I. Joe’s Cobra would just be tedious, and not half as interesting as Batman versus A.I.M.!
    {“Try dodging this Gatling Laser, Mister Wayne!”} :->
    While Conan’s not exactly a wimp, we’ve already seen Bats beat up Schwarzenegger, and Bruce has probably read far more Conan comics, than Conan has read Batman Comics!

  6. darkvatican says:

    I went w/Bats vs Iron Man, as I think that fight would be treated the MOST realistically. Besides, I think it would be awesome to see Bats put the hurt on Stark. I would want to see this happen with old school Iron Man/batman, though. The modern “extremis” Iron Man is ghey beyond belief. “Hey, let’stake this guy who has powers cuz of his suit and make the suit – which he will still wear, of course – completely redundant! Yaaaay, we’re smaaaaaart!” Retarded, if you ask me. Anyways, that’s why I chose Iron man. AS for the others…

    Vs. Avengers: they would treat this the same way they did Vs JLA. Which is to say without ANY consideration for the individuals he’s taking on. Don’t get me wwrong – Bats is one of my absolute favs, but come on people. That utility belt can only hold SO many other heroes’ “kryptonites” before it gets ridiculous.

    Vs. Batman: this was my second choice, for reasons stated very well by Jeff.

    Vs. Cobra: Marvel’s version of the cobra organization is FAAAAAAR more dastardly and well-run than the cartoon version that a lot of people automatically think of when they hear the words “cobra” and/or “GI Joe”. Still, I think that Snake Eyes is about as close to Batman as that universe gets and he can take on an entire cobra base himself, so I don’t need to see Bats do it again.

    Vs. Conan: Could be veeeeery interesting. But. It wouldn’t be. They would almost certainly make this a ridiculously easy victory for Bats, even though, as jeff said it, Conan is his world’s “Batman” in a lot of ways. When Marvel did their Cap vs Conan years back, it was ridiculously easy for Conan to beat Cap, and the reverse would be the same if Bat took on Conana, I believe.

    Vs. Decepticons: This could be interesting, but the coolest thing about transformers for me is seeing and hearing the transformation, not watching it in still-life on a panel. I could never get into the transformers comics for this very reason.

    Vs. Wolverine: This would be the reverse of the Batman vs Captain America that was done in the 90s. They would make a perfunctory showing of how the two are “about equal” and then have something lame happen that would, of course, result in Wolverine being the winner. Because wolverine always wins. Always. Which is why I hate him. Or at least, I hate the way his writers DON’T do their job, which is to write cool/interesting stories.

    Vs. WOnder Woman: As Wonder Woman is a part of the JLA, I consider this to have been done already, in spirit if not on paper. After all, if Batman can beat ALL of the JLA, then Wonder Woman alone would OBVIOUSLY not be a problem, right? *scoffs at the ridiculous nature of those story arcs*

    Vs. X-Men: If Wolverine is a part of the team, then there’s no point in me going on. If he is NOT part of the lineup that Bats would be taking on, then there’s still almost no reason for me to go on, but I will for the sake of being thorough. The X portion of the Marvel U is a big, angst-filled teenage drama. It has some very powerful people in it, but for the most part, they are all so absorbed in their own “human problems” that they would not prove the least bit challenging for Batman, DC’s veritable god of planning/preparation.

  7. darkvatican says:

    heh heh I wrote “Conana”… Must be Conan’s female incarnation. lol

  8. The Imp says:

    @DV: Is that to the tune of ‘My Sharona’? 😀

  9. darkvatican says:

    …Probably, actually. 😉

  10. Bael says:

    @Danny. Short version: Batman used a knockout gas, the Hulk held his breath long enough to get Batman worried, then Batman used a nerve strike to the solar plexus to make the Hulk breath it in. The second fight didn’t go that easily, though.
    Conan would be good. I’d argue that Conan isn’t the Hyborean age Batman, but Batman’s opposite number. Instead of relying on preparation and planning, he is simply relentless and unstoppable.
    I’d also like to see a really good Batman/Captain America fight instead of the usual “Going Through The Motions So We Can Get To The Teamup” version we always get.

  11. Danny Beaty says:

    @Bael: Thanks for the info!
    @Everyone: How about Batman vs. Nick Fury? That would be cool.

  12. William A. Peterson says:

    At first glance, Cap versus Bats would seem cool…
    they can both clear out a roomful of mooks, right?
    But, Batman’s mooks are typical members of Organized crime (which is to say, losers), while Cap’s roomful is of Nazi Soldiers, armed with SMGs, and *specially trained for the purpose of killing Captain America*!

    Nick Fury’s cool, and everything, but there’s no way one old man can take on Batman…
    Though, if he’s in his SHIELD-issue Flying Car, complete with the 30mm Gatling Gun (yikes!), it could get a little more interesting!
    Bats usually doesn’t get to play with Military grade ‘toys’!

  13. The Strange Goliath says:

    Batman vs. COBRA.
    Maybe it’s because I jut read the excellent GI Joe Cobra (co-written by Christos Gage and Mike Costa and drawn by Antonio Fuso).
    Or maybe it’s just the thought of Batman teaming up with Snake-Eyes. My inner child loves the thought of that. And I can’t blame him.