Nick Fury, that is, IN SPACE! With a tip-o-the-hat to Mighty God King (and to my buddy John for thinking of the idea), your challenge for the week is to come up with the funniest replacement dialog for Nick's second, shouted word balloon on this dynamic classic Marvel cover:
Make as many entries as you think appropriate in the comments to this post. The winner (as judged by Ye Olde Balde Avenger -- i.e. me) will get EITHER a custom black and white illustration of whatever he or she likes (within reason, and subject to a now-lengthy delay for completion) OR their choice of an outfit or related outfit items to be included in HeroMachine 3.
So put on your thinking caps (beneath your space helmet, apparently, but over your cigar -- also in a space helmet) and make with the funny!
(Image and characters © Marvel Comics and used here for entertainment purposes only.)
1. Except for us.
2. That Nobody. Good man.
1. Sorry about the “lunkhead” thing! I’m just grouchy!
2. The best they can hope for is 85, tops!
3. Wait, are these Finheadians? Crap, they DO live forever!
1.Now let’s kill us some Sea Monkeys!
2…Unless you have a beard as awesome as mine!
3.And when you DO die, you’ll be reincarnated in stupidly pointless spin-offs like this one!
1. SO HURRY UP WITH MY LATTE!
2. AND WE AIN’T NOBODY!
3. SO WHY QUIT SMOKING! *cough*
4. ESPECIALLY THESE SUBTLEY CODED ALIEN REPRESENTATIONS OF EVIL!
5. HEY! WHO REPLACED MY AMMO WITH SUPER-SILLY STRING?!?
6.
1. Unless you are important to the plot.
2. On the bright side, chances are you won’t stay dead long.
3. At least you won’t if you keep making fun of this comic!
4. Except for Apocalypse, Mister Immortal, the Eternals… Okay most people don’t live for ever.
6. APPARENTLY!
7. WITHOUT MAJOR SURGERY!
8. SO CATCH SOME BULLETS!
1. Wait a minute! These guys aren’t wearing swastikas! OH CHRIST!
2. Better dead than red! Hey, that might catch on in a few years!
3. You up front! Stop winking at the audience!
4. Hold still while I get that giant worm off your head! Damn it, you moved!
5. This is for calling me “Dick Furry”!
6. Why do these space rifles have silencers?
7. The derby’s not working, Duggan!
8. I’VE GOT A RAT IN MY SHORTS!
9. I’m not “boring” you, am I?
10. Screw you AND the mule you rode in on!
11. DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL!
10. PEW PEW!
11. HEY! MY GUN IS BENDY!
1. because nobody asks to get born.
2. soldiers use in your advantage the light green color of our uniform to camouflage with the dark space.
1. They’re keeping me from watching Heroes!!!
2. Unless You’re Made of Diamond!!!
3. But Beware the LOLCat!
4. I just hope I dont lose an eye!
lets see sam jackson do this
1) Unless you’re on the cast of Heroes
2) Though unfortunately this coverart will!
3) And in the case of your durby and mustache Jack, that’s a good thing!
4) Well, I will, but the rest of you are F’d.
5) BTW, these are just standard army fatigues, so we’ll be alive for abou…
6) Wtf, when did blond hair and blue eyes give way to orange skinned, 4 fingered alien mutant freaks?
7) Uh, pretend that was heroicly motivating not depressingly fatalistic.
1. ESPECIALLY ROB LIEFIELD!
2. Especially when I’m FIRING MY LASER!
3. And I mean NOBODY!
1. EXCEPT FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA!
2. To Infinity and Beyond!
3. First one to 50 kills gets a custom black and white illustration of their choice!
4. Git ‘r’ Done!
1. DAMN YOU LIEFIELD!!!! STOP GIVING US MORE FISH-ALIENS TO FIGHT!!!!!!!!!
2. Unless you’re CHUCK NORRIS!!!!
3.EXCEPT ME BECAUSE IM CHUCK NORRIS!!!
4. SOMEONE CATCH THE BLACK MAN RUNNING AWAY!!!
5. WHO THE HELL THREW THEIR GUN INTO OUR SHIP!?!?! DAMMIT!!!
6. WHERE’S SUPERMAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM!!!??!!!
7. Sgt. Fury…This is your helmet speaking…you only have 5 minutes worth of oxegen left.
Let the air out of them, even if we were in vacuum!
1. NOW LETS KICK SOME ALIEN VAMPIRE SEA MONKEY BUTT!!!
2.FOR SPARTAAAAAA!!!!
3. I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE WHAT IF’S STORYS! *small print* I mean come on, alien vampire sea monkeys? what the hells next?
1. By the way! 15 minutes saved me 15% on my car insurance!
2. Did you say this makes me look FAT!!??
3. Man up, punk! It’s only a flesh wound!
4. You have LOST the game!
5. You don’t move, I’ll do it the American way: LAWSUIT!!!
6. What did you just say, scaly imbecile!?
7. Say, these Krauts look a little too alien…
8. Never mind the guy with the bowler hat, I AM YOUR DOOM!!!
9. This is totally not an anachronistic setting!
1. And HEY! ANYBODY NO WHETHER THESE GUYS ARE KRAUTS OR JAPANESE?
2. ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMEBODY JAMMED A SWIZZLE STICK IN MY GUN!!
3. THAT MEANS YOU DUM-DUM DOOGAN!
4. EVERY SOLDIER UNDER MY COMMAND OWES ME ONE. HUNDRED. FISH MAN. SCALPS! AND I WANT MY SCALPS!
5. YOOOOOO JOE!
6. AND WHEN WE GET DONE WE KICK THAT WATCHER GUY’S BALD BUTT!
1. And, God, I wish I kick the bucket soon!
1. And we sure can’t outlive this embarrassment!
2. Even the idiot who thought this up has to die eventually!
3. Keep shooting your red rope thingies!
4. And no, this is not a Starship Troopers ripoff!
5. So long, and thanks for all the fish!
1. Cripes! Watch out for that ridgehead in the back! I don’t like the looks of those jumper cables!
2. Now someone remind me who we’re shooting today!
3. You jackasses behind me are running away, aren’t you?!
4. Now let’s go find the moron that named a space war “World War Two”!
5. OUT HERE, NOBODY CAN HEAR ME SCREAM!
12. But first, this word from our sponsor!
13. Now for something completely different!
14. I haven’t seen this many rednecks with guns since we were in Texas!
1. Papa Spank!
2. Make way for the Howling Astromandos!
3. Sucker Smith! Horse’s Ass Horton! Follow Dum Dum and me!
4.
1.This quite the Dead Man’s Party!
1. Why is my head in this goddamn soap bubble?!
2. Hey! Who put these fish in here? This is not a goldfish bowl!
3. And remember folks, happiness is a cigar called Hamlet!
1 It’s time for an advertising sequence, guys.
2 We must be proud to our action figures
3 Don’t forget. If the producer drop off the show, no more derivated product and no more money for us.
1] We thank you for coming on this, the day of my daughter’s wedding!
2] Curse you, Red Menace!
3] Watch as my finely-crafted weapon shoots deadly ropes through my opponents! Get yours today!
um…my #2 was supposed to have an additional [Thank goodness we don’t have problems like this on Earth…] Drat my useless knowledge of HTML…
1) Let’s make this the best damn fanfic ever!
2) IMA CHARGIN MA LAZER!
1. “I thought the ‘Reds’ were supposed to be on our side!”
SPACE NAZIS! I HATE SPACE NAZIS!
1. And get your hand OFF of my CROTCH!!!
2. But so help me, Nobody, you are going DOWN!!!
3. So let your impending mortal demises motivate you to VICTORY!!!
1. I mean it! Five minutes! My @#$%! nose ITCHES!!!
2. Perforate them COMMIE BASTARDS FROM MARS!!
3. Scramble!! Tito’s mango salad is reaching CRITICAL ASS!!
4. Howzabout a LASER ENEMA ya RED FASCISTS!!
5. Right Bucky? I’d like ta see Cap try flingin’ his frisbee out here!
1. And stop yelling “pew, pew, pew”!
2. Show those pacifists who’s boss!
Airports get worse every year, man.
1. Crap, my tape-measure gun went off! Sorry, guy.
2. Break it up, Fish-Heads! I said NO MUSICAL NUMBERS!
3. And folks at home, you can get a “Sgt. Fury in Space” commemorative plate just like the one I’m wearing. You get the whole set: Derby Guy, Fred From Scooby Doo, and Token Black Guy.
1. Not even CAPTAIN AMERICA for Christsake.
2. So let’s just hope someone’s actually gonna BUY this comic-book!
3. And no need to be “Howling” here, it’s SPACE!
4. Except for Aunt May, of course!
5. Especially not when their ennemies have Whip Gun!
6. Worst, YOU ONLY DIE TWICE!
7. “Here is Cpt. Picard speaking. Who are you and what are you doing in my bloody holodeck???!!!”
“Duggan! Why are you wearing your durby under your space helmet?”
“Unless you’re the Hulk. That guy has all the luck.”
“Damn it! Who loaded my gun with a bo staff?”
“Blonde soldier number 2, get down here and put your anti-gravity boots on. I have eyes in the back of my head, damn it.
“Give me back that Fillet-O-Fish. Give me that fish. Give me back that Filet-O-Fish. Give me that fish. What if it were you hanging up on this wall? If it were you in that samdwhich, you wouldn’t be laughing at all.”
12. SO TAKE THAT, CLIFF RICHARDS!
8. And trust me, even if we’re in space, EVERYBODY WILL HEAR ME SCREAM!!!!
Especially these guys!
“Stay tuned for the next episode of ‘Pigs in Spaaaaace.’ “
1: And for the love of God, PROTECT YOUR FISHBOWLS!
2: Now somebody get my licorice stick out of this guy’s chest!
3: Drinks are on me after this is over!
4: Wait, are these Nazis or partisans?
13. SO LET’S ALL ACT LIKE MEN AND GRIMACE!
MERRY CHRISTMAS YA FILTHY ANIMALS! AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, TOO!!
-or-
Better dead than red, scaly and Mohawked!!
And stay tuned for DUMB ASSES IN SPAAAAAACE!!!!!!
1. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
2. MY GUN CAN’T SHOOT STRAIGHT.
3. LOOK AT ME WHEN I KILL YOU!
4. I WANNA BE A CHELSEA PENSIONER!
Gang way I gotta go the can before I…too late!
In space nobody can hear you crap yourself.
The security in this space port sucks.
Dinner’s in 30 minutes, and THESE FISH WON’T FRY THEMSELVES!
Cry havoc, and let loose the dogs of allegorical jingoism!
1. “And what the hell am I doing in a ‘What If’ Issue? Call my agent!”
2. “Now! Turn the griller on!”
3. “But Elvis is still alive!”
4. “Unless you are Michael Jackson.”
1. YOU LIVE JUST LONG ENOUGH TO BE IN THE SEQUEL!
(Dark Knight Spoof)
2. nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nuh (Million Dollar Man Sound)
3. WHEN IN SPACE, DO AS THE SPACEMEN DO…MOON WALK!
4. Unless you have a power level of OVER 9000!
5. I get knocked down, but I get up again..hahah…Chumbawumba
1. But Cory SHould Win, cuz its his Birthday!
2. We can’t let Steve win!
SO THANK GOD THESE SPACEMEN AIN’T NOBODY!!
I need to redo my number 7
7. Sgt. Fury…his is your helmet speaking…your oxygen just ran out.
7. Where the hell’s my Latte?
8. INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH!!!
9. It’s Morphin’ Time!
Dammit Dugan, take off that stupid hat.
Using a bugle as a sonic weapon in space while wearing a closed helmet shouldn’t be the most impossible thing we do all day!
Especially that kid with no hat, cigar, or bugle to set him apart and show his character! Sorry, nameless extra!
1.But don’t let that stop you from trying!
2.Five bucks to the guy who gets the reference!
3. That Includes COmmies!
4. Except goldfish! You see what happens when you flush ’em?
5. Crap! Is the Japanese space station? These Orientals all look the same to me.
6. Get yer fins off me you DAMN DIRTY FISH!
BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN RUN AWAY!!!!DAMMIT!!!
that is my #8
“Ugh! Geez, I just…good thing I’m wearing Spacies, the NASA approved astronaut diaper.”
“FOR FISHPAAANTS!!! Um, FOR EARRRTH!! What are you looking at? I’m not with them.”
14. SO LET’S LICK THESE GUYS! *small print* Wait, I didn’t mean… oh hell, just *big print* FIRE!
15. WITHOUT EXPERIENCING AT LEAST ONE ATOMIC WEDGIE! OOOOW!
9. And can somebody catch that goddamn floating gun before someone get hurts!
“No fear! They’re just like you and I. They need oxygen to breathe and you can penetrate their bodies with a stick of rope.”
aren’t you sorry you superglued you hat to your head now?!?!
Jeff, for reference to my number…1 in comment 63