Mashup 7: That's one ugly baby

Welcome to another edition of the Random Monday Mashup, my weekly effort to make an entertaining story out of one (and only one) panel from each of ten randomly selected comic books. This week we encounter two terrible parents, an invasion by alien crocodiles, and an orphanage doubling as a lab for experimenting on humans. And awaaaaaay we go!

Our story opens on an Earth ravaged by an invading alien army, resisted by a small band of courageous men:

Human scum, behold the hordes of Klegg!

Watching from the sidelines are three handsome but lazy members of the local GROSS (Get Rid of Slimy girlS) club, including the buff Osar, who makes a shocking observation:

A WOMAN fighting as a warrior?

Indeed, a woman not only fighting as a warrior, but helping to lead the resistance to victory!

Let’s plunder and have ourselves a party!

With the dangerous fighting over, Osar hurries on to the promised party and soon makes his move on Arizona, the winsome and doughty warrior woman:

What’s your name, miss?

Desperate to have her, Osar kicks his game up a notch!

OK, I’ll put on jammies!

Incredibly, Arizona accepts the strange offer, bringing Osar back to her apartment where she promptly hands him her newborn son.

He’s UGLY!

She tells Osar her plan -- if he'll dump the ugly lump at the nearby "orphanage" (H.E.L.L.), they can have their fun.

A parent, wailing with concern for an injured child.

Well, maybe "injured" isn't the right word when the only thing wrong with the lad is that he's ugly, and maybe "concern" isn't the right word for what's motivating the amorous couple into dumping the kid off at the local gene store, but dump him off they do, leading the staff to an amazing discovery.

Attendants were astounded at his feats of strength.

Indeed, the lad's feats of strength are astounding, if by "astounding" you mean "let him beat the snot out of the facilities".

Something knocked the heck out of HELL, didn’t it.

When the crappy couple learns of the babe's astounding powers, Osar throws up from the realization that he has helped give away what could have been his lifelong meal ticket.

It stinks, Arizona, the ugly thing’s gone and I don’t have it.

Such are the wages of lust and misogyny, my good Osar, maybe next time you'll pay less attention to your hormones and a little more to the rights of women and children!

The comics in today's Mashup in order of appearance are:

  1. "Judge Dredd", Vol. 1, No. 10, ©1984 Eagle Comics.
  2. "Kull the Conqueror", Vol. 3, No. 1, ©1983, Marvel Comics Group.
  3. "The Micronauts", Vol. 1, No. 14, ©1980, Marvel Comics Group.
  4. "The Question", No. 15, ©1988, DC Comics, Inc.
  5. "Captain Canuck", Vol. 1, No. 3, ©1975, Richard D. Comely, Comely Comix.
  6. "Popeye: Borned to the Sea", Special No. 1, ©1987, Ocean Comics, Inc.
  7. "Jack Kirby's Secret City Saga", Vol. 1, No. 0, ©1993, Jack Kirby.
  8. "Action Comics 1 Reprint", ©1992, DC Comics.
  9. "The Micronauts", Vol. 1, No. 12, ©1979, Marvel Comics Group.
  10. "Showcase '93", No. 1, ©1993, DC Comics Inc.