How best to tie one on?

Shockingly, in our guise as the Cosmic Guardian we opted NOT to shoot our annoying neighbor in the face last time. In this Modern Age of Post-Modern Super Heroing, I’d say that qualifies us for inclusion in the Heroic Hall of Fame right there. While personally I might be disappointed in our upright behavior, it nonetheless has led us to a bar, and for that I think we can all be thankful.



Here’s the problem with math. We did the “right thing” by not shooting someone in the face with alien rockets. Surely that’s worth at least one drink. But since there are two of us, that doubles the amount of drinks we deserve. Which is now two drinks, so that’s four apiece. You can see how the power of fractions and chaos theory quickly mean that we will eventually have to have, like, at least a dozen drinks. And that’s a lot.

But this is super-hero stuff, folks, and we have an enormously powerful suit of armor that magically transforms into a briefcase (where was this awesome idea years ago, makers of Transformers? Who wants a robot that transforms into a boring old gun or semi when you could have one that turns into an accountant’s attache case!). Surely any alien race advanced enough to develop space travel would be able to invent a suit of armor that instantly sobers you up when worn.

With that unassailable logic, I turn the actual decision over to you all. Do we slug it out on the mean streets against other muscle men in spandex or do we hang out at Applebees and chugalug with our new super buddy?

(All text is ©2012 by Matt Youngmark and Chooseomatic Books from the excellent “Thrusts of Justice”, which you should totally go buy your own copy of since we’re only scratching the surface of the hilarity enshrined in these pages).

About Jeff Hebert

Jeff is a 45 year old city boy who has somehow found himself located in Colorado, fulfilling his lifetime dream of making a living drawing super-heroes all day.

13 Responses to How best to tie one on?

  1. The Atomic Punk

    It’s early but everyone is ready to part-ay. Glad I’m not the only functioning alcoholic around here.

  2. I think we should hold off on the drinking for fear of repeating the brawl between Tony and Rhody in Iron Man 2. Alcohol and armour-mecha-suit-things don’t usually mix very well, alien or otherwise.

  3. Eh. We were conservative last time. Let’s go for broke this time.

  4. Let’s celebrate and wait for our third to show up. It will save time later tracking her down. Besides, I’ve played enough D&D to know that the best way to find trouble is to try to just have a quiet drink in a tavern. DMs (and presumably authors) seem to hate that.

  5. I’m thinking that since we only got our powers this morning (in story) and we were already drinking, it’s probably not a good idea to go on a binge. Plus, we did deceide that we wanted to research the suit instead of fighting, so I don’t feel our best course of action now is to plant our butts in a bar. Lets do something besides running away from an old lady, shall we?

  6. If Demon in a Bottle taught us anything, superheroes in armour shouldn’t drink.

    Besides, I’m assuming that we’ll black out and have lost our armour suitcase – leading to a Hangover style retracing steps

  7. While I’d be up for having a celebratory beer or two, that doesn’t seem to be an option. It’s either go bust some bad-guy heads right now, and skip the drinks, or look forward to some alcohol poisoning, stomach pumps, and court-mandated AA meetings.
    Having said, it would be hilarious sitting in on that meeting, to have a super hero trying to keep a secret identity explain why he’s attending Alcoholics Anonymous in that circumstance.
    Anyway, even if we stick to what we’ve ordered (and when does that ever happen?), that means that Dale has ordered 8 drinks, and then we’ll be doubling up (i.e. ordering another round of 8 drinks). While it seems our hero has developed a higher tolerance for alcohol than I have, after 8 drinks, I’ll guarantee something stupid is going to happen, like losing our power armor suitcase or publicly outing ourself as a superhero. And take into account, it’s not just us. Dale is also imbibing, knows our secret identity, and probably has a head start on us. Since we’re supposed to be keeping the armor secret, I think the best option is to cancel the drinks, settle the tab, and hit the streets for some good old-fashioned villain bashing.

  8. Remember, only YOU can prevent drunken superheroing!

  9. Lord Sauron, Master of Middle-Earth

    I’m going with the fight crime option because it’s traditional and also, beers and superpowers are really not a very good combination.

  10. DubbleYoo: Remember, only YOU can prevent drunken superheroing!

    Cute, admirable, and awesome! I already cast my vote, but I rescind.

  11. I went to Journalism school, and if it taught me anything, it’s that reporters can chase a pint of whiskey with a six-pack and drive home safely to write the next day’s column. Besides, we’ll get interrupted before we’re plastered. Stay and drink!

  12. spidercow2012

    “…and a pint of oil for my briefcase, barkeep!”

  13. Who needs alcohol when there’s new super-powers to be tested?! We can get plastered anytime, right now there’s a world that needs saving!